The PickleOs

Wierdness! i got tagged!

2006-11-24T20:42:00.000-08:00

6 wierd things about me.

1. I adore my husband's eyebrows. I like to pull on them and smooth them down. Sometimes I just stare at all the hair on my hubby's face...

2. I like to eat lemons with my popcorn. I like salt on my lemons, salt is good on popcorn...

3. I make my husband "tuck me in" when I go to sleep. He stays up later than me and I must have a goodnight kiss and pillow time, before he is free to be a night owl.

4. I can squeeze my belly together and make it look like I have a butt on my stomach. Or cleavage, use yer imagination on that one! lmao

5. I sortof learned to ride a bicycle on my honeymoon. I rode into a garage sale, and the garage.

6. I don't like to eat Hot Spicy food... and I'm Spanish Mexican American. .. I couldn't tell you how to cook with chilies much less know what 's what.

Now I got to tag 6 other people and tell them to leave a comment on my blog and stuff and make em tag 6 other people or they will go poof and turn into dust bunnies!

I will try to do that but I don't know if I know 6 different people to tag! Geez

Wow!
Headless
JustPat
Chargoo
Kevmo
Sethward

What A Bunch of Turkeys

2006-11-24T20:37:00.000-08:00

Hey - happy Tday. We been celebraten. Missed my Dad so much yesterday. Woke up and just sobbed in my pillow. The rest of the day went better- Thank God for distractions. Today we had second Thanksgiving and I made a turkey dinner and such. We went to see BORAT. Please save your money and just trust me that the movie is a waste of mental space. I am sad that I spent money on such crap. Flushed Away on the other hand was a great family movie and I was glad to have seen it. Uhm, lot's too say but sleep deprived and must make second entry about wierdness

Fullness

2006-11-16T05:02:00.000-08:00

Hey I have orientation at Williams & Sonoma tonight. Heh. I will be on my best behaviour but one never knows!

Things going on in our lives. Lots. Lots.Lots!
We have been busy.

We built a deck. Floyd ( our dog) went to meet his maker. We carpeted living room and stairs. I painted ( with Seth's help) and re-arranged the dining room. Seth worked on stripping paint in archway between living room and dining room. We repoly-ed the wood floors in living room and dining room. We adopted a 6 month old puppy. She has been in the animal hospital for the last 2 days with pnuemonia. Seth has his 35 birthday on Friday and we will have a shin dig on Saturday. I have surrendered the reigns of Thanksgiving dinner to my Mother in Law and have withdrawls. Somewhere in all this chaos my car needed repair, I lost another 3 pounds toward the baby goal, and I have begun the planning stages for dream in gastronomia.
Yeah, I need to breathe! I've missed ya'll stop in and say hello sometime!

And call it Macaroni

2006-10-14T04:32:00.000-07:00

So I have been off trying to figure out my self. So far I have uncovered some interesting things...

Dr. Dave- my therapist is pretty cool and I see him once a week for my hour long Trauma Parfait and Recovery session. I show up and cry a lot and wonder why I'm crying so much. Then I get a flash of lightening insight and try to figure out if there is any hope for breaking my patterns of destruction. It's like trying to make a dish without knowing all the ingredients or using a recipe. I think I am dealing with some simmering mom issues and that pretty much pisses me off. I mean how many times does one need to go over this Sh*t?! It's painful and I wish I could just get over it all ready, but dang it like a million splinters and everytime I try to pluck it out it just goes deeper and festers. On a shiny note:

Last week I had a shiny glimmer of a dream, culinary school or something. Seth went out and bought me an expensive-ass SHUN KNIFE for GOD'S SAKE! I won't say how much it costs but damn I was surprised. I went on a food prep frenzy and then he hedged and hawed about Williams & Sonoma hiring for the holiday season.. We went in the next day and I boldly went where so many have gone before. I applied for a job at the mall.

Okay, I applied for a job at Williams & Sonoma! lmao!

If you don't know about http://www.williams-sonoma.com then you are not a Foodie and I must go fast and pray for your Foodie Soul. I being a dork, but dang!

So yesterday I had the glory of participating in the lovely group interview. I felt like I was in college- insecure and disappointed in life in general. ( sez alot about my thinking huh?) I got to see behind the curtain and witness the sensous cavern of the stockroom. It was like Dante's Inferno back there! Walls stacked high with product and lovely lovely product. I swooned and knocked off a whisk from it's perch on the endcap of a shelving unit. I trembled and felt awe and sadness.

Why would I be disappointed? I think it has to do with the idea that they want warm bodies for the holidays and then they throw you back into the water... Or maybe it's the concept that if I ran a store as wonderful as WS that I would take some interest in the quality control of who I hired. I know I am a snot. I think I just imagined it would be different to be hired at WS than like say... being hired at a grocery store. I wanted pedigree. Dumb me.

The Deconstruction of what happened and my reaction:

I think this job means more to me than normal. I'm trying to make a change and trying to prove to myself that it's worth it somehow. I just threw away 10 years of crap. I am so afraid of getting more crap. I have a deep need to feel superior or think I am superior already and people disappoint me constantly. This depresses me. I feel abandoned by my Mom's inability to not compete with me in everything and just accept me . I feel angry that I am excited about working in a mall. I feel afraid that I will over-do it and start that evil pattern of being perfect and dominating everything everyone pissing people off, etc. I feel broken.

Phew, anyway. I think I'll take a break and work on the ol' elliptical trainer. I think I have some calories to burn, or something, my head is too swollen for comfort right now!

Meditating on my nature

2006-09-28T07:05:00.000-07:00

Can you see me? I am the ladybug on the tennis ball on the stick! You tell me me what you think it means! *Taken at the Fulton Heights Community Garden.

Re-working the pattern

2006-09-28T06:42:00.000-07:00

I have spent some time just letting myself dream a teeny weeny little bit. Maybe it was when I was going through all the cooking mags and loose recipes I've collected. Maybe it was reading about Wow's trip to GB Russo's... Or maybe it's all the damn Food Network I watch as I go about my mental breakdown throughout the day!

See I am not just a food junkie. I adore the process of cooking, presenting food, and what got me into weight trouble- eating. I have tons of Cooking Light magazines and a nice little collection of cookbooks, and Everyday Food magazine, and Real Simple, and Gourmet and Fine Dining and well... you get the picture. I am a William & Sonoma wannabe, a Foodie-Pseudo enthusiast, a serveware whore*. (*I like all the little plates, special glasses, spoons, bowls and crap to serve and present food on.) When I wander about Grand Rapids and think about what my life has turned into and consider the "trauma parfait" that I call my soul I consider the few things that I remember make me happy.

I love to feed people. I love cooking. I love dishes. I like hearing people sip and crunch and aah! Beeeelch over good food. I like introducing people to favorite restaurants and watching them light up over a sampling of an entre or try a sumptuous dessert. I like collecting spices and trying to figure out what goes with what. I like surprising people with what I create.

So I've been thinking. What about Culinary School? Maybe I could have a little mini W&S shop or run a bistro? Or start up a catering business or be a personal chef or something? I have a lot of crap to learn that is for sure and for now it's just a spark of a dream. a glitter square. a glimmer on the pond. a single sprinkle on the parfait. Right now there is so much to wait on though and I am scared. We've decided that we aren't moving until after some major stuff happens. Like my grandpa is dying and I kinda am not ready to leave Michigan yet. Maybe it's good for me to just focus on this little thing for now. Stick to sorting through my mags, getting my recipes in order, cutting out pictures of my dream kitchen and making a list of my dream appliances and gadgets. Just try to keep this stuff in my pocket and not on my sleeve... not let it or me float off anywhere... Phew.... crash landing on the flight pattern there!

Doing a little raindance

2006-09-25T16:30:00.000-07:00

25 days since I left my job. I am in recovery. I started a painting the other day. Took some pictures, too. Did some cooking. Some shopping. Some housework.

I feel lost.

I reviewed about a hundred recipes going through my cooking magazines. I finished watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer until the finale. I cried like a baby when Spike died. I cried like a baby knowing that Buffy got her life back. What can I say? I've been a little emotional. Okay I've been crazy emotional. Emotional like I am in persistent PMS mode emotional. My therapist says I'm okay though. I don't need meds (yet). Seth says he sees improvement. Seth is insane with putting up with my mood swings!

Went to see an amazing movie last night. Little Miss Sunshine. I gotta say, those reviewers at EW really suck rotten potatoes or something. They are such retards- they were so wrong about this film. This film was beautiful and witty and hilarious and I laughed very hard. So hard my zipper slipped down on my jeans hard. SO hard that I almost farted popcorn with joy! Ok maybe not that hard. . . I did laugh though. I did laugh loud. It was worth it to see. I mean the movie, not me laughing. I also cried. Just so you know. I cried. I sniffled and sucked in my breath. Of course I also almost wacked the dumb cow with the cell phone sitting behind me with my water bottle. Stupid woman. Stupid cow of a woman. I shouldn't insult cows. Yiick.

Yeah, my life has been really full since I don't go to work anymore- err bullshit. It has been full. just not fullfilling. Just not a job. This break so far is really not all that it's cracked up to be, I mean when I run into people they act all jealous and bitchy with me. Say things to me like, I wish I could quit my job! Snark. or they say, I wish my husband would make me quit my job! snarky snark. Then the eye roll and the snarl. I then feel all ashamed and want to crawl into a hole. Then I go see my therapist and he listens to me. I start to tell him how I feel. Yes I am very honest and self aware as I review my suffering. I then talk about how I feel like I have these huge holes ripped out of me and I don't know how to fill them up. How I have spent the last 10 years dealing with people's pain and assorted bullshit and I just want someone to acknowledge that I happen to be in pain too. I have pain too Goddammit! Asshole people! Then we talk about how I am needing to disengage right now because I really I feel like everyone wants a piece of me and it sets off my emotional triggers. Then I go home as sob some more and do some housework.

For shits and giggles I listen to country music. I happen to like country music. It has this amazing quality of soothing me. I like all of it, even the crappy rockypop stuff. Even the crappy lyrics- yes even the twang even the drawl. I was in the shower the other day and I like to change the station from talk radio to country - Seth just luuuuvs it when I do that! And I was singing along and then this song came on about some love lost or some nonsense and I found myself all curled up in the shower sobbing and singing the lyrics. I am not kidding I was crying about the story in the song. There I am acting all high school freshman over the dang song and not two seconds later I was all WHOOWHEEE Shut my mouth! Slap my grandma! All happy singing Honkeytonk Pedonkadonk with Trace Atkins and all Wontcha paint me a Birmigham? and all When you think Tim McGraw I hope you think of me.... I seriously need a hobbie! So folks. Go Country music! Maybe I better get back to blogging...

TMI

2006-08-16T05:44:00.000-07:00

It's been quiet around PickleO land. I have a UTI and have been sleeping as much as possible. The whole I have to Pee all the durn time! and then I FEEL like I have to Pee when I'm not already P-ing. I'm on an antibiotic-eeeeh sucks. Makes me tired and nauseous. On news of the wierd... my ma is actually considering road tripping it to Texas with me in the next couple weeks. Like Thelma & Louise who went before us, I am wondering if it all is a huge mistake. Aah well. One infection at a time!

Pilates and Therapy

2006-08-11T08:24:00.000-07:00

More pilates last night. But just before my instructor came over; Seth & I had a huge, humongous fight. Like I am kicking and punching him fight. Yeah, I know. I am evil. Seth is great, but he pushed me on a subject that I didn't know was so raw.
My insides felt like hamburger. Once I calmed down I tried to find my center and focus on the fact that I would be doing pilates very shortly and I needed to relax.

So, Torey shows up and I put up a good facade, I'm good at that. Somewhere during my 100s she asks me if I am ok and I tell her. She says I'm a bullshitter. Yep. We get to talking about the fight and the next thing I am a sobbing mess. This seems to be turning into more than pilates, but therapy. I tell her I really need to go see a counselor because I am fraying apart. So tired of being frayed girl! She recommends someone. I think, Geez, I even have hang ups about going to my old counselor. Yikes!

The stunning conclusion is that I am grievig my dad and now I am grieving my mom. No she's not dead- not in life anyway. She just hasn't ever been a mom to me. With all this change we are embracing, I want my mommy to talk to and to care for me. But I don't have one. She is not the nurturing type. So I am pissed and sad and lonely for her. I am also pissed and sad that as a grown up I doubt myself all the time. I think it's because of being a child of an alcoholic and having to be the authority to defective parents when you're only 6 years old. I didn't have parents to guide me in life and that is effing retarded. I feel effing retarded!
What to do what to do? I blog. I read. I practice pilates. Anyway, now that I write all this stuff down I feel stupid. It is Friday and I have 15 days of my job to go and I want to be happy about it! Instead I'm just scared.

Seth says he knew he was pushing me, but he didn't know why. I think that somewhere in his spirit he sees that I need to get a grip on this mommy & daddy stuff. So get a grip Janay! Get a freaking grip already!

Fortune telling

2006-08-09T11:53:00.000-07:00

Some of you know that Seth & I are quitting our jobs and possibly moving to Texas. Yeah. Moving to Texas. I dunno. I can't really write all the details for it because it is very personal but needless to say our reasons are good.

Anyway, one thing about it is I am very nervous for the whole thing. It's a big change and there is some stuff going on with my family here- mainly gramps being on his last legs, our dog Floyd also on his last legs and my tolerance to stay at work on its last legs. There's reasons why I've been tense! Geez!

Soooo yesterday I waded through some emotion and thoughts. See: Passion Post and I figured I needed to relax. Bingo, I have pilates class! So I focused and stretched and worked those butt muscles and belly jelly muscles. When it was all said and done I felt lots better. Watched some tv with Seth and went to bed.

I dreamed I was on a highway. There were some spare trees and I was in a bronco or some type of SUV. I don't know who was driving. but I was in the back taking in all the scenery. My dad climbed over the seat and sat in back with me. He was excitedly telling me about all the places we would visit and showing me stuff outside the vehicle's window. He made me smile. I asked him if we would get a chance to drive up to San Antonio the next day. He looked at me with a warm face and huge smile and he says, " SO you think you can really live here? " Then I woke up.

I got this idea in my head that I should drive to Texas with my mom. That there is some secret that I need to unravel there and she is the key and Texas is the starting point. I called her today and she chuckled. She says I probably just got the dream in my head because we were talking about visiting Ohio ( where I was born). I told her it felt different, that I hadn't had a dream like that in a long time and that Dad being in it felt- special. I didn't go all holy spirit or prophetic on her- she wouldn't understand that, but I felt keen that God was trying to tell me- show me something and I needed to pay attention. It was spooky in a Jesus sort of way. I didn't tell mom about the going to Texas part, the timing felt off. I am going to pray about it instead. Maybe it was the ice cream sandwich I ate before bed. Maybe...

My problem with passion

2006-08-08T07:25:00.000-07:00

So Steve asked me, : You Paint? and my response was yes.
Yes I paint and sculpt and draw and play with montage and beaded jewelry and sew purses, I like to take pictures on my digital camera, etc etc. ..

Once upon a time I identified myself as an artist. When I was a kid I learned to draw trucks and smurfs and Conan Fantasy figures. I even did purty horses and flowers; thanks to my aunt's Eva & Sarah who taught me to love nature work.

I loved Art class! I had the same teacher all through school up until graduation- I didn't know that she crippled me as an artist, but it's too late to get into all that. Anyway, I was an intense artist- I drew on everything I could find. I liked to create stuff and make stuff and pretend. As I grew up I developed this idea about what artists where like. Don't ask me how, because I grew up on a farm and isolated. In high school I played a role- the mature grown up artist. I stopped drawing fanstasy figures and designing clothes. I wanted to be a classic artist and create "real" art and not the modern crap that was so guache. In college I turned down U of M Art school and went to a small Christian college. I was self destructive and looking for God, but I loved to chain smoke & drink and be all destructive and listen to NIN and Tool while I worked and be all gloomy and crap like that. I thought that was all part of being creative and artsy. I am so dumb. I got myself into a nice spiral of compulsive drinking that I called alcoholism so I could get into AA and I liked to use pot and speed to get me in the sour frantic mood of work. It helped that in my mind I had my own personal soundtrack provided by the Cure and that I am a Virgo. So rebel without a clue! But by God I had PASSION!

Now, I like Passion just as much as the next person, but I am cautious about the implications. Probably because I demonstrated so little control of my own passion. I struggle with the idea of not having control. I need to have control and being passionate is the opposite of having control - isn't it?

It has been my experience too that passionate people, artistic people can be a selfish, ego driven lot. They are not even-tempered, they are highly combustable. They rely on flambouyance and are notorious visonaries (read snake oil salesmen). I know this is a harsh opinion- I know! I'm being judgemental etc. I can only speak for my own personal experience- not that I haven't reflected these same qualities myself in the pursuit of my muse. So you can yell at me later- but I include myself in that description.

I admit I also love those qualities that some artists have to sweep you up in their catharsis and lift you into uber-emotion with the things they create, the things they say the things, they build. It's like finding a conduit to experience orgasm. There is a quiet rush that fills your spirit and then the heat and then POW! you're so exhilarated that you want to cry out or scream or just tremble. It is a beautiful exquisite thing. Pable Neruda can do that to me with his poetry. John Hopper can do that to me with his paintings- or the latest painter I have found, Brenda Clark. I look at her work and I want to writhe with energy. And it's landscapes! Music does that to me, I listen to Ray LaMontagne or The Postal Service or Patty Griffith and I feel powerful emotions. I laugh I cry I dream. These are the positive things about Passion - But the negative things keep me afraid. It's addicting - a drug. I used to want to pick up a knife or a razor and slice my self up to release the emotion - too much stimulation too much reality and I wanted out. I couldn't bear disappointment if I couldn't sculpt that arm or thigh just right. If my paint wouldn't blend well or if I got impatient and didn't prepare that paper surface well -resulting in scratchy or sueded spots on my water color. Or if my prof didn't get what I was trying to "say". Maybe passion is for the mature. I appreciate it in a different way, now that I am older. Maybe passion is waisted on the youth. I dunno. My problem with Passion is that I long for it; but I am afraid of what it did to me, and I've been hurt by passionate people. People that I saw as mentors and saviors. And I need to be saved to badly.

Little things mean a lot

2006-08-07T15:49:00.000-07:00

Went up North this weekend to Gramps. He was in the hospital for a leg infection Wednesday night. It was a good trip. He a little fighter, but I think he will have to be supervised. So does the rest of the family. It makes me sad to see him lose his independance. Got home safe and snug, but...
I find that I have crazy anxiety though. Mom gave me a beatiful sachet bowl from Grandma and a couple of her embroidered kerchifs. I have 4 weeks left until I am done and all I can say for myself is I am soo tired. I don't wanna work anymore.

When I finally stop work, I have this big canvas I think I want to paint on. Yep.

Freaky Fans United!

2006-08-03T14:18:00.000-07:00

The Movie Of Your Life Is A Cult Classic

Quirky, offbeat, and even a little campy - your life appeals to a select few.

But if someone's obsessed with you, look out! Your fans are downright freaky.

Your best movie matches: Office Space, Showgirls, The Big Lebowski

If Your Life Was a Movie, What Genre Would It Be?

People weren't meant to sit in cubicles... a few years ago I would even have added Heathers and Edward Scissorhands to my list- would- heck they're so on my list! Even now I can truly say Seth has evolved my movie madness- I would add Eating Raoul, Raising Arizona, Shaolin Soccer - Thank you Seth. Alas there are those who have also influenced me with your wierdo cinematic offerings- Patay- because you understand the urge to watch it over and over again, Rick & Brenda B ( I will never forget watching Basquiat or that Angel movie with you guys), and the Old Crew of SouthSide Vineyard who made watching the Princess Bride an odd sort of worship.

What's in your movie wallet?

31 DAYS! and it's not FAST enuff!

2006-08-01T06:23:00.000-07:00

WELCOME to August 1st. This month could be so great. My in-laws have their birthdays and I have my birthday and we have a garage sale to plan and it is the last month of my job. . .

July had to end with a bang!
Yesterday was a pretty decent day until around 4:30pm when I went to help translate for a client. It turned out to be a domestic violence situation. My stress level rocketed to Mars and I had to ask for help from a clerk because I could feel myself emotionally not having any control. I was so angry and so tired- I can't imagine the strength of the lady I was helping. She was a effing ROCK. I was impressed by her tenacity- this is unusual in a DV victim.

I went home and shut down. I sat in front of the computer for like 2 hours playing Big Kahuna 2 and cried and cried. I won't report the ugliness that she so casually relayed to me- it's too much. Seth came home and he calmed me down. I took a cool bath. Sitting in the tub drinking cranberry juice and reading an Anita Blake novel, I wished I could go around cutting up the bad guys like she does.

I imagined myself driving around in a kick-ass outfitted for stealth and battle jeep helping the women hunt down her vermin husband who abused her and taking him out with my firestar pistol. It would be up close; so I could see the fear in his eyes, just like he put the fear into her eyes. Then I would use a Kenpo kick and take out his nads.

When I got out of the tub I felt better. I went downstairs and flipped through channels and decided I better go to bed. It was 9:30pm. I prayed and went to sleep.

Today I go to face a family that I had to call Child Protective Services on. They suspect I made the call and are totally pissed. I can't really blame them for being pissed, but too damn bad. They are Effing up their kids with the Sh-Thole they call a house- it's a hazard. I have worked with them for 3 months trying to be kind and give them some help. Now the only help left I can offer is to involve CPS. I can't express how relieved I am to unload them on CPS. I can't express the tightness in my chest when I went to their house two weeks ago and saw that alll the work we had done was in the toilet. 3 dumpsters and you couldn't see a difference. Word. The sad thing is I know they love their kids. I know it because I've seen it. But love isn't enough. Intention isn't enough. Action is where the heart is and that just ain't happening. I don't know what will happen to this family. There is a squeak in my heart valve that says I care just a tiny bit, but the rest of me is turned off. See, I told you I needed to stop being a social worker.

Cheese, Disappointment & Recovery

2006-07-31T11:17:00.000-07:00

I love cheese. It is a wonderful thing. Bought some at the farm market Saturday.
A Dill Cheddar that is creamy and a white cheddar that is sharp and a bit hard. White cheddar tastes good with peaches. Dill Cheddar tastes good with sweet pickles. Something about the mild salty flavor and the sweet sharp sour of the pickles as it snaps in your mouth. Yum!

I find it odd that I recall the lovely texture of cheese and the process of buying it with Seth at the farm market and then feel all warm inside. The love feeling is the same isn't it? I dunno. Later in the afternoon we talked about our courting each other and how we started out as friends and learned to be lovers. I had been feeling bad because we didn't "date" or have all the gushy mushy stuff before we married. I realized that I doubted a lot of that time because of the traditional expectation of dating and courtship. We never even kissed until after we were engaged! I remember how embarassed I was about it! It was at Rivertown Mall. Geez. I was such a dork. Anyway, I spent a lot of time trying to impress Seth that I wasn't a romantic sap and hiding the bridal magazines and stuff. But really I was a sap- He asked me to forgive him for not knowing me better. I asked him to forgive me for being such a dork. I really tried to be such a tough cookie back then. Almost lost in the I'm one of the guys attitude- that can ruin a romantic relationship- cause I'm a chica not a chico. I think Saturday are meant for a little emotional house cleaning cause then you get Sundays to play and rest.

Yesterday I lounged with Seth and we had the most perfect day. Just us lazying about. I live for days like that! Sleeping in until noon and then lounging around like white trash in our PJs ( yeah- underwear- TMI) *gasp* and watching TV. I showed him how to roast an herbed chicken, make dilled green beans and together, we made mashed potatoes for a nice comfort food supper. It is so bizarre how little things like alone time together can calm my soul.

The END is near

2006-07-26T12:55:00.000-07:00

Well Peeps. Today I handed in my resignation. My Last Day is September 1st. Yeah, I know. Why stay a month when I can get the hell out now? Because I want to be gracious and because we could use the money. I am relieved and I am sad and I have a headache. Wooo Hooo.

Conquering the fear

2006-07-24T11:09:00.000-07:00

I was afraid to try really, and Just Pat encouraged me to do it. So this is the fruit of our friendship... I can post pictures now!

Two Scenes

2006-07-24T10:56:00.000-07:00

The Lighthouse View from the beach in Elberta, MI. Seth took this and I am always breathless looking at it. The day was so beautiful! And of course there is always camp breakfast.

SteveOs Got me TAGGED like a deer...

2006-07-17T11:58:00.000-07:00

1. Doll- Hispanic Barbie with the ginormous loop earrings that my Dad got me in 1983
2. Potatoe- No, P-o-t-a-t-o! I will eat them with a cat, with some cheese, with salt & butter, mashed or baked and lightly raked, with garlic powder and ground pepper- anyway you can cook them I will partake Cuz I l-o-v-e taters!
3. Oyster- ick, when I was a kid Dad said he was eating E.T. and I cried a lot- have never dared since.
4. Dog- Floyd
5. Telephone- I hate answering the phone! But I like calling people. Wierd
6. Red Toenail - Deep pink on the toes- have trouble finding a shade of red I like.

Have you ever.....

Gotten stuck in an elevator? No
Egged a person? Yes
Stalked someone to find out where they work or live? Yes Oh Yeeeesssssssssss
Spent an entire day in nothing but your underwear? Half a day or mostly the day....
Read some friends mail or other personal papers without them knowing? Yes, I am eville.
Gone Skinny Dipping? No...haven't ya'll ever heard of leeches?
Been in a fist or cat fight? Yes... on the school bus and in school

Lasts.....

Time you tripped? Today...durn flip flops
Time you cleaned the base of your toilet? Yesterday before folks came over for BBQ
Gum you had? Trident White- Cool Rush Chewed 5 times and spit it out of the car window
Pair of socks? Fuzzy two-toned pink anklets
Beverage you had? Pure American brand bottled water purchased from Walgreens 2 hours ago
Spur of the moment decision you made? Stay home an extra hour for lunch today and take a nap
Movie you watched? "Pirates of the Caribeann"...We went with Headless and ate popcorn!

What would you....

Say if your best friend told you they love you (male or female)? Give a big juicy kiss and then wipe his mouth for him and scruff his hair- My Sethward!

Right now ....
What are you wearing? Orange tee shirt, Striped purple and gold and khaki skirt, Prada glasses, and flip flops
What are you thinking? I need to quit this fricking dumb job already
What are you listening to? A Fan blowing air up my skirt.
What would you like to be listening to? The "Death Cab for Cutie" Cd Seth got me for our anniversary.
Are you annoyed by the length of this survey? Yeesh!
Are you tired? Yep
How many people in the room? The nurse in the pod next to me and a couple staffers on this side of the floor
Any cuts or bruises on your body? Yep.
Are there any animals in the room? If you include me...
Are you eating anything? Nope - stomach is tender from lunch

People who I would like to do this ... Ya'll if you want to!

The BIG Busy!

2006-07-17T11:48:00.000-07:00

Hoohah WE've had a crazy month of stuff! Ain't it always the case? So last July 7th Seth & I celebrated 5 years bean marreed. We went to Frankfort and then up the West Coast of Lake Michigan and ended up in Lelanau State Park camping on the Little Finger. It was great and there are lots of stories that I am too lazy to write. Then we came back and I hiccuped through a short week until we drove back up to Traverse City for my lil Sister's engagement party. Just want everyone out there to know that I am looking forward to our family addition- Yo Dave Randall! Thank you for giving my sister a normal last name! The day is set for Aug 4, 2007 -- y ikes.

The Party was great, too bad my Mom was in Texas. She missed it, but we took a crap load of pictures and drank a boatload of champagne and sangria ( my recipe) and ate cupcakes and junk. I was going to post some pictures-still haven't figured that out yet, but I will conquer that demon! I have a FLKR account so some yews will be getting an invite to see my purty pictures. Some of you may not. Oops.

K- I have a tagg thinf to post next that Loudbuzz has Die-rected to me so I will do that next O right? Kewl

We're BAAAAAAAAAACK!

2006-07-12T07:18:00.000-07:00

Heh Driving back in the crazy rain, I was happy to be headed for a hot shower and get cleaned up from camping last night. Will post more later!

Bummer Dude.

2006-06-29T13:22:00.000-07:00

heh, I am killing time again, but I got like 40 minutes left and I am giddy.

You Are a Warrior Soul

You're a strong person and sometimes seen as intimidating.

You don't give up. You're committed and brave.

Truly adventuresome, you are not afraid of going to battle.

Extremely protective of loved ones, you root for the underdog.

You are picky about details and rigorous in your methods.

You also value honesty and fairness a great deal.

You can be outspoken, intimidating, headstrong, and demanding.

You're a hardliner who demands the best from themselves and others.

Souls you are most compatible with: Old Soul and Peacemaker Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

I am SHE-Ra!Or Xena?
Ya know it sort makes sense. I ALWAYS get all hyped up after an action movie. So Warrior makes sense- I mean for my soul and all... Like after I saw The Matrix, I was all over being like Trinity and the spikey shoes -hard ass- carrying guns and doin kung fu thing! After I saw Aliens, I was all about the military and space and shaving my head like the marine chic that blew herself and the bad ass MFing monsters up. After I saw Underworld I wanted a Kate Beckinsale hair cut and to walk around all stalky- I am a death dealer... blah blah blah You killed my parents... blah... After I saw Point of No Return , I always did smile at the little things Ann Bancroft rocked my Beyotch world and yeah I wanted to sport heels and kill people like Bridget Fonda did -all classy like that- plus because of her I got into Nina Simone. And after I saw Kill Bill 1 & 2== WHooo Rahhh I wanted Samurai skillz... Yep. slicing and dicing and pirouetting. After I saw Waiting to Exhale, I was all Angela Bassett rules= angry woman strength - scorned woman strength- and she cut off all her hair! Heh I actually did that when I broke up with my firstlove of my life (Daniel Lopez you still really SUCK for what you did to me even if I was unstable and young)- but that was BEFORE the movie came out. So there!

Warrior Chic- needs old soul or peacemaker soul to chill her out now.... Or maybe some cheese.

Tuesdays with Janay

2006-06-27T06:33:00.000-07:00

Drinking my Arizona Diet Peach Iced Tea and fumbling about at my desk thinking snarky thoughts, I am writing on my bloggity.

Took Seth to the Doc yesterday- he has an injured back muscle and is on short term disability for the week. Poor guy. No, he hurt himself working at stoopid Cherry St and not at our house- doing grown up stuff.... Yeesh sickos! So he is home and on drugs waiting to heal. I was very worried for him and I am actually glad he's injured so he can rest- of course being a man- he refused to take the pain killers last night and just the muscle relaxant because he didn't want to be woozy. Silly Man!

The YOB: No news on the yob front. Not worried. I am sticking to the stink hole I am in until God parts the Red Sea and shows me the land of milk and honey. Now if I could just behave myself...

Meanwhile my lil Sis has decided on a wedding day and wedding colors and wedding flowers and possible reception location. I am the maid of honor. I get to wear pale yellow. Kewl. I will look like a lemon or lemonade! :0

I am also happy that next week will be a short week and the following week will be shorter. Go Independance Day and Anniversary and Vacay Days! WhooHooo I long for the gentle waves of Lake MI and the bugs and the camp fire. I long for the smell of worms and earth and learning how to cast my new reel. Here litto fishy.

Things to say Yay!

2006-06-23T05:54:00.000-07:00

I have my porch back! It is BEYooOOTIFUUULL! I finished painting my porch lamps which I will post later- like when my digital camera gets fixed- and I have most of my living room and dining room back. I took a celebration evening last night minus Seth cuz he was working stupid late ( stupid Cherry St for making him worky so dang late) and I watched Underworld Evolution and Batman Begins. I wish they made more movies like Batman Begins because it was sooo good. That Christopher Nolan - he directed Memento - which is also a very good movie. I like him a.lot.

SO it is Friday and a week later after all my hard work of emailing and mailing resumes. I got rejected once and now nada. Strangely I feel ok about all this. I think I'll survive. Meanwhile, I will peruse more ads- amazing that people even find jobs with some of these tacky -misinformative ads that are written...

Be thinking about me as I try to kill off 8 hours of Nuthing until sweet bliss of the weekend. Oh and YAY!

GAASP! Rejection Injection!

2006-06-21T07:32:00.000-07:00

I got my first Reject Email today! Whoohooo! I had an impressive resume but it didn't cut it. Whatevah... Didn't want to work for you suckahs anyway... :P

Actually, I am relieved because you worry about these things and then you just let it go.

In other news, Our porch is finally painted and curing. I get to put all my crap back out there tonight or tomorrow! This means that I get my dining room and living room back! Now we are in consternation about finances and if we can swing paying to have the lower half of our house painted. It must happen, It needs to happen. BUT- a lot of other stuff needs to happen and that's the breaks.

My house wishlist:

1. Paint the damnmn thing
2. Finish the garden area thingy in front yard
3. Finish stripping paint and paint dining room
4. Finish painting foyer upstairs
5. Install light fixture in foyer upstairs
6. Identify cause of moldy loose paint in bedroom and FIX it
7. Repair back porch area
8. Build a deck
9. Replace all the craptastic windows
10. Finish the attic
11. Clean out the basement, the attic, my studio, and the garage
12. Build a pantry addition in basement
13. Paint my bedroom!
14. Paint the entry way
15. Finish the kitchen steps and paint the damnmn door

phew I am sore from typing all this. Better get back to the job search, I mean work. I mean sitting at my desk in futile resistance and pretending to look busy.

That's RIGHT!!!! Kermeee...

2006-06-20T12:29:00.000-07:00

You Are Miss Piggy

A total princess and diva, you're totally in charge - even if people don't know it.

You want to be loved, adored, and worshiped. And you won't settle for anything less.

You're going to be a total star, and you won't let any of the "little people" get in your way.

Just remember, piggy, never eat more than you can lift!

The Muppet Personality Test

I be a DIVA- You betchyo Ass I am a DEEVA! I want to be ADorK.... I mean aaadoooooredd.

Remembering Dad

2006-06-20T12:19:00.000-07:00

So yesterday would have been Dad's 55th birthday. I was adrift all day. Both sad and aimless. Around 9pm last night the dam broke and I just let myself feel it. I really miss you Papa.

In other news, I have sent out 3 more resumes. The anxiety over this process is brewing and I am trying real hard to not have feelings of rejection before I have all my feedback. I forgot what this was like -it's only been 3 years.. but geez. I keep thinking in real time- that the moment my email hits their computer they will see it and instantly be entranced and swayed by my powerful cover letter. Heehee! What a load of crap! I'll be lucky if I make it into the sort pile for the KEEPERS. Either way, I know I am not alone in this so must find a way to relax.

You Are Duck

Exotic and unusual, you are a bit of a rare bird - literally.

You're known for being soft and succulent, though at times you can be a bit greasy.

What Kind of Meat Are You?

See? Rare! I be a Princess Duck! QUAAAAAAAACKKKKKK! and I can be greasy! Like a Mexican? Yeah cuz I be a Greasy Mexican Duck! OK I losing it... I'll post something else.

BWAAHAHAHA! Tanks Capt WOW!

2006-06-16T06:25:00.000-07:00

Cause Barney started it...

You Are Marge Simpson

You're a devoted family member who loves unconditionally.

Sometimes, though, you dream about living a wild secret life!

You will be remembered for: your good cooking and evading the police

Your life philosophy: "You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head."

The Simpsons Personality Test

Futuristic Spy Poofs

2006-06-16T05:56:00.000-07:00

It's Friday, we are inching closer to July and our planned Anniversary Outting. It'll be 5 years!
I just have to say that I am real excited about our plans. We are camping up in Lelanau County State Park ( right on Lake Michigan)! We bought a tent and a roll-up camp table and a couple camp chairs and a Queen sleeping bag! I have replaced our lost beach blankets ( may they rest in peace in the White River!) I bought a bungie cord for my glasses so I don't lose them when we go kayaking again. And Seth bought me a fishing reel and I will try my hand at some fishing! Pretty Exciting Stuff! I have a tackle box and fake worms and mini fishys.. All the ecoutrements for a fantastic time! BUT..........

Does anyone have good recipe ideas for camp food? I have all the stuff to cook with, even a two burner propane camp stove. I can't eat a lot of bread -so sandwiches aren't much of an option. I suppose I could freeze some steaks and keep them in the cooler... Dunno. So I need help! Heh.

On another note. This weekend is Father's Day. I am torn. My dad would have been 55 yrs old this year. Seth wants to take my father in law out to dinner on Saturday and I have a card to mail my step dad. In general tho, I feel selfish. I don't want to think about it, but I have obligations. Last year I didn't feel this bad about it, and this year I miss my papa so much more. Maybe because we lost Gram's this year and Chessie our wobbley cat and we left our church and I'm losing my job. Maybe this weekend is more a reminder of loss that anything celebratory. Yep. That's prolly it.

SNAPPING OUT OF IT:
Yo ya'll- I put in 2 inquiries on yobs this week. I hope to get a call- one never knows. These things are delicate operations. The wierd news is that one yob is at the same place where Seth works. Wierd or what? I need prayahs in a big way. His yob is a non profit- and I sortof had enough of that. The good news is that it won't be in a social work capacity, but in HR. The bad news is that I know the dirt on the director and some of the staff. Ahh well. It is in Big G's hands and I don't mean the Ginster. The other job is in Marketing- fun maybe? we'll see. The one thing I can say is that GR is not a yob friendly place if your not in the medical field.

First Steps

2006-06-14T05:49:00.000-07:00

OK, this week I got more cold water in the face about my job. I think I'm a sucker for punishment. Growing up in a psycho family can prolly condition one for that, but I digress. So, Monday night I looked at over 5, 000 job adverts on 4 different job websites and found 5 ads that I felt maybe I was interested in and could qualify for. I took those five and threw out 2 right away. One job because it was for a non-profit and I tell you I cannot do it anymore. I refuse to work for less pay and less respect. My experience has been that in the nonprofit world there is a gaping hole in the caring about employees as they pour their blood out to help the poor. The poor aren't cared for very well either. I digress.

One ad really caught my attention. I decided yesterday that I needed to follow up on it because I need to leave this job before my negative energy threatens to sufficate my world. So I reworked my resume and wrote a snappy cover letter. I hope I didn't go over the top, but oh well.
I can't hide who I am. I have a lot of vivacious, peppy qualities. I have a sense of humor and fun. Somebody in GR might recognize that and see it as a benefit to their company. I hope so, I am afraid I am losing my pep working for the borg. I think I managed to market 8 years of social work as a positive thing. If Imake it to interview I'll let ya'll know!

On a different note. Sookie ( my catkitten) is in her wierd terrible 2's stage. She freaks out and hides and then pounds on Harry ( the cat who thinks he's a dog). Lately in the morning she is allowing me to cuddle her and lover her. It is startling because she is in a pre-dawn affectionate phase that with the day turns into scorn. Maybe she has her Kitty-Period.

Mind Bending the Platinum Spoon

2006-06-13T07:58:00.000-07:00

Hey ya'll, prolly no one reads my blog anymore cuz i haven't posted in so long. Such is life.
I've been busy. I've been on a negative energy streak. I've been waiting for motivation. Steve just posted about this article he read about seeing things really quick and making a stategy. I'm real good at snap judgments, decision making - but I also linger and get afraid that I royally screwed up. Sooo I dunno. Right now I am just thinking about change and how I need it.

Going Home

2006-05-23T08:09:00.000-07:00

Hey I'm back. The weekend was rough. I got to read Psalm 34 during the funeral. Actually, I was the only one to read anything. Everyone was too .... overcome.

We made to Traverse City on Friday driving 85-90 all the way - just in time for the first scheduled visitation at the funeral home. It was my first ever experience with something like that and it was wierd. Grandma looked beautiful and asleep. There were pictures everywhere of her life. Strange to see great grandpa and great uncles and aunts in these photos. To see me as a kid and to see everyone looking so different. I cried like a baby.

Friday night was my Dad's birthday( 56th) we brought him a cake and had an impromptu birthday party. Cake & Ice cream and chips. Grandma would've approved- she had a powerful sweet tooth!

Saturday was the funeral. It was a long brutal day. The sun was out, but we were all exhausted from the night before and a morning of restlessness. I enjoyed seeing the family & friends that had been a part of Grandma's life and my life. The only family I really ever knew growing up. All day I kept being reminded that I was the oldest and the first grandchild. It hurt my heart notice that not one person considered me a step grandchild- for some crazy reason I was afraid of that. Duh. Grandma never treated me like that and never introduced me to anyone like that either. She was some lady. She was fair in her love for all of us. Saturday night Grandpa walked over by himself. He was so burdened with grief- he said he walked Grandma over. He felt her with him. Then he sat in our kitchen and sobbed. We all walked him home later and it rained as we walked back.

Sunday we stayed for breakfast and I didn't want to come back to Grand Rapids. All the family had been asking if we would change our minds and move back to TC. In my heart I knew the answer was no. In those moments tho, I would've given anything to quit my job and just stay there soaking in the last rays of my grandma. Her smell, her chuckles, her crinkly smile. The memories and everything only seemed to sustain her life force around the house, down by the bridge at the creek, the trail from our land to hers. I would take care of Grandpa and help him out around the house. Make sure he ate and had company. Silly girl.

It rained again when we drove back to Grand Rapids. All I could do was sleep.

Saying Goodbye

2006-05-16T13:00:00.000-07:00

I mentioned that I went to Traverse City to see my mom for Mother's Day, but I didn't write about my Grandma Schlagel and spending some time with her and gramps. I had dreamt about her on Friday night. She was in her house and I was with her in the kitchen. She was lamenting all those dishes she hadn't washed! I laughed and said I would help her. In the dream I noticed that the sink was under the window instead of the stove. I asked her when she moved it? She chuckled and said to hand her that casserole dish. I did and we proceeded to tackle the mounds.

I woke up Saturday grateful for the dream but also wary. My "Mexican" side of the family always says that when you dream of someone in the family sometimes it means there has been a death. I hate being superstitious! Sundaywhen we went to Gran's house it was so cool to sit with her and take pictures with her and gramps. Stupid dream! I told her about it and she smiled. She said, Oh I can find some dishes for you to wash if you want!

I liked kissing her papery cheek and listening to her chuckle. Seth even made a 3 minute movie of her and gramps during our visit. We all stood outside her house and I inhaled the sweet air looking out at gran's yard. I saw so many memories and so much change. The chicken coop. The corn field. The apple trees and the strawberry patch. Those are long gone. But I saw the rug on the laundry line. The gooseberry bush and the ol stump where I'd sit and watch uncle Phil make cider. I stared at the grassy spot where I would play with the baby chicks or sit and peel potatoes.

Grandma Loree is my step-grandma and she always treated me like her real grandchild. She told me it wasn't my fault that my parents divorced. She shared a lot of stories and wisdom and love with me over the years. I was pretty excited to see her with her freshly permed silver hair and her rosy cheeks! I have lots of fond memories about her because in so many ways she gave me the stability of family that I desperately needed. Keeping us to prayers before we ate and lulling us into naps during the radio shows or Lawrence Welk- she introduced me to reformed theology and a love of reading and a love of rhubarb pie. She taught me about the woods, and showed me Indian markers and Lady Slippers and all kinds of beautiful wild flowers.

Today I got up thinking about her, feeling good that I got to visit and looking forward to my next journey to TC . Came home for lunch when mom called with the news. Grandma Loree passed away this morning. She went in her sleep. My heart has been aching since that call. I think I need a break for awhile because I just can't process all this right now. We think the funeral will be Saturday. Seth & I planned on going to a friend's wedding that day, but I really want to be there for Grandpa and my step dad. This will be my first 'real' funeral. I have no idea what to expect. I am just so thankful for the chance to be with Grandma one last time. I am so thankful we went up north. I am so thankful for her role in my life. I really love her so much! I am just so
so sad about saying goodbye.

Moms

2006-05-16T05:54:00.000-07:00

So we had a busy Mother's Day weekend. Seth & I spent Saturday evening with his Mom and Sunday we drove up to TC to spend the day with my Mom.

Saturday was pretty crazy because Seth had to work in the morning. I thought I was going to work too, but the rain forced my Family Fun Day event to be re-scheduled. Of course I didn't know that until I showed up! Poor planners and manners! It was a good thing it was cancelled because I then helped our neighbors pack up some stuff ( they are moving to Finland). I am sooo jealous!!! Lucky couple! It was nice to help them out. So... by the time Saturday evening came about both Seth & I where poopen tired.

One thing I appreciate about Mother's Day is that it helps put a bit of perspective on things.
For one, Moms are not perfect... but we need them in our lives. Last couple years have been shaky with my mother-in-law, but there has been some forgiveness on both our parts. It was nice to just enjoy her and watch her interact with Seth. She can be a pretty cool person. I like that she makes Seth laugh. My father-in-law is cool too. He has some wacky stories! Over all it was a nice evening and I was grateful for the time spent with them.

Sunday was even more special because Seth was the one that offered to drive up to TC. This is a minor miracle because he hates the drive. I was all thankful about it and He just laughed at me. I think it's funny that he likes my mom. My mom is an enigma. She is ruthless and adorable and cunning and playful and maniputalive and wise. Yeah, "wise" is a hard word to put there, but there it is. Mom is like a feral kitten. Looks all cute & cuddly, but yowzers the cat has sharp teeth!

We arrived at the house and I was pleasantly surprised that my baby brother was going to join us for our Mom's Day lunch. I haven't seen him since he was released from the hospital last year (a horrifying boating accident). He's a bit caustic and cynical. I love him to pieces because he reminds me of "Moi". I got to have a chat with him and help diffuse some of his anger. It's a long story, but suffice to say there is a rage theme in our family. I was proud of him that he overcame some of his issues with mom to be there for her on her "day" I told him so. Which brings me full circle. Moms aren't perfect, but we need them in our lives. There will always be a restless ache in me for the mom I wish I had in my life, but I have learned that my loneliness for family ( for mom) can be cured by my willingness to tolerate, be gracious, and love my mom as she is. I can't fix her. I can't budge her. Just like I can't change the nature of a snake- but I can respect the snake and even grow to love the snake- just exert some caution with the snake as I care for the snake. Wierd, I just called my ma a snake. Ya'll know what I mean right? My kids will prolly blog about what a tyrant I was and how I caused them years of therapy because I was so critical of them, etc. Heh. Prolly inherit those same traits from me and I did from my ma! Irony.

And in the rain there is cleansing

2006-05-12T07:30:00.000-07:00

Last night we left the Sushi bar full of warm feelings and sushi and soy sauce. The air was crackling and great gusts of wind was blowing and the rain speckled everything with a fine glitter of coldness. Sitting in the car laughing with Seth about the death farts I felt coming from the zesty ginger, shrimp, scallops and seaweed; I noticed that Grand Rapids is a beautiful town. I liked the houses and the trees and kookie spaces like Cherry Hill and Eastown. I liked the way GR looks in a storm.

We got home and the death knell began ( from my a**) There is a crazy comfort to being able to share such vulgar smells before the one you love. Yeah Seth made gagging sounds and covered his face. I blushed and tried to contain the fumes in a blanket ( that blanket WILL be washed!). It was like over stuffing a beef & bean burrito... We locked up the porch and the house and nestled in to hear the wind blowing and watch TV. I fell asleep on the couch and an hour later Seth woke me up and told me to get my stinky self to bed. In my stupor it occured to me that in that moment , maybe for several moments starting in the Sushi bar, I felt safe. I felt content. I felt at peace. There is something to the healing powers of being with friends, there is something to the cleansing powers of the rain and most of all there is peace when you finally just let go.

Thanks for your prayers dear friends!

In the Shadow of His Wing

2006-05-11T05:45:00.000-07:00

I haven't been blogging much because there has been a lot on our plates this past week. I am acutely aware that both Seth & I need continued prayer- it is our lifeline right now. There have been bittersweet events that I can share with you all. I'll just list some stuff now.

Last Wednesday evening I tried to be a good neighbor and asked some kids to refrain from cussing so loudly in the street. At first they obliged, but 20 minutes later returned to using some spectacular expletives at volume level 11. Seth then went and tried to use his burly Italian self to impress the kids to cut it out and "respect his wife's request". He was then threatened, cajoled, taunted and called a nigger. Yep, my big hairy Italian bohunk was called the N-word. I'll let you guess what race these kids were, but that is not the point. WE then went and gathered reinforcements with our neighbors, our block captain Roberta and Tony our block party planner got an ear full about our experience and the troubles of the last couple weeks. We ended up with maybe 8 adults ready to "nip it in the bud" with these kids. What then happened is that he kids refused to leave our street. They didn't live on our block but they wouldn't leave. Then they started to threaten the teenage girl who had invited them to hang out in the first place. She was clearly embarassed and not able to control her friends. They started fighting. We broke it up. AS we returned back to our homes, we planned to have a tete A tete with the girl's mom. They had recently moved in and the crowding behavior was starting early for it not to be summer. Well... The kids came back to take it out on the girl and we had like 20 teens fighting in the middle of our street. All the neighbors ran back including me and Seth and tried to break it up. I called the police twice. We all called the police. The kids were punching at the grown ups and I got shoved into a shrubbery. It was an awful mess. We broke it up when the police shoed up 20 minutes later. 4 squad cars and they didn't even bother with sirens or anything. The scary thing is the kids weren't afraid of the police. That was Wednesday.

Thursday. Pastor called and rescheduled for the next evening. I was relieved because I was still worked about about the night before. My nerves were frayed. We expected some retaliation from these kids.

Friday. We met with Pastor and his wife. It was a bittersweet meeting. We really talked about some good stuff and enjoyed out time with them. In the end they prayed a blessing for us and our future. I felt very peaceful about it, but I was also silently grieving that change. The loss of my church home walked up and sat next to me and stared me in the face.

Saturday. We recieved a frantic phone call from a friend of ours. They had gotten a call that another of our friends ( someone who is mentally ill) had a break down of sorts the night before and the therapist had left her unattended in the apartment the whole night. Did we have a key to her apartment to see if she was ok? What followed was a harrowing afternoon of trying to reach the apartment manager, the therapist and our friend. We finally got to her and it was so distressing I can't even write about it. Thank God she didn't hurt herself. We took her to the Psych hospital. I switched back and forth between rage and fear and grim determination. Our dear friend was so changed and I couldn't do a damn thing about it. I had a lot of guilt because I just wanted to spend the day working on my yard. Seth was amazing with her. Calming her down and being patient. He doesn't like sick people, but he loved our friend and it was.. beautiful.

Sunday. I slept like death and then we focused on the yard. Just kept at it until we were exhausted.

Monday I called in sick. I couldn't rest. I couldn't calm down I was so agitated.
Tuesday I called in sick. I checked out. watched alot of tv and slept.

Wednesday I went to work and felt like I am wanting something fresh. Different.

Today. Who knows what the day will bring. It is Just Pat's birthday party tonight and I am glad to be around friends.

Please keep us in prayer ya'll.

More fuel for the fire- See last post

2006-05-04T05:51:00.000-07:00

Well... Went to a meeting yesterday. Got the shock of my life when I learned that my job ( grant funded) will go on a 7 month hiatus on March 7 of next year-that means I will not have a job. This is an interesting thing since I am wanting to quit my job and get the heck out of social work. The problem is that I don't really know what to do with myself. I've been doing this for almost 9 years. Ick. Anyone know a good job coach?

Taking breaks

2006-05-03T08:50:00.000-07:00

Hey been busy- Things are tough, but better.
Our friends the Beerhorsts are moving back from Brooklyn.
I am glad about that! They move in June.
Also, tomorrow we talk with Pastor.
We are officially leaving the church.
Actually, we pretty much left already.
There is a relief to this leaving thing.
No we aren't leaving our faith, just the expression of church
as it is done at the building. Lots of changes ahead.
Yard work, painting our house, me losing more weight,
us finding out what to do next. . . If you are reading this we could
so use some encouragement right now. Thanks all.

The Difference between Faith & Religion

2006-04-27T05:49:00.000-07:00

So... on Easter my friends and I experienced a bit of a shocker. We were having fun and eating and then I broke out my plastic Easter eggs filled with treats and a piece of paper with a question on it. My intention was to start a bit of discussion and laughter and engage each other in a little Easter silliness. During one question, "What Does Easter Mean To You?" Headless tried for a joke and said," It means that I'm not going Wester!" ugghhh that was bad! We were like, OK, dat it? Give us more- Then..... my sister gets this serious look on her face and almost in a scolding tone declares to us that Easter is about Jesus dying for our sins and then rising from the dead on the 3rd day. She told us with such determination that it was... well it wasn't a happy moment, more like we were being smacked.

Now, I would say that on one hand I have never known my sister to be religious. She historically has been a serious party girl with a serious bent to her ( meaning she is also smart and mule headed.) She was a fierce defendant of the Catholic faith ( cuz we sorta were) but to me it didn't make much sense because that wasn't really a part of our family life-going to church I mean.
On the other hand, I am pleasantly surprised that she has seemingly committed herself to Christ and her faith and seems to be quite bold with it. The other surprise is that her fiance also declared that he was recently "saved". Of course, all this was sort of shoved out there and we were all a bit unsure of what to say or do - so we went back to being ourselves and moved on to the next questions.

Last weekend my mom and I talked. Mom was a bit freaked out that my sister is in a cult and is trying to convert her and she wanted me to talk to lil sis and find out if she is being brainwashed. I chuckled.

Over 15 years ago I went through the same thing with my family when I embraced my faith in Jesus and was baptized in Lake Michigan and then later went to seminary to pursue full time ministry. I have no problem in admitting that I was a young Christian then and that I often acted quite retarded in my zeal to live my every breath for Christ. I've calmed down since then- been humbled and learned quite a bit about life and the people in it. I have also learned that the church can do some damage.

Anyway, I called my sister last night and we had a very long talk/argument/talk. She didn't hold back with her critique of my "Christian" friends or of my lack of "evangelizing" the family. She was disappointed that I hadn't been more bold in declaring my faith to her and to everyone in the family. She is up for taking the reigns. She proudly tells me she reads the bible every night and prays for all our souls. I had to hold back and think about her a bit. Remembering that she is being influenced by her new found passion and all that crap, reminding myself that I was once in those pedestal- shaped, soapbox-like shoes... I tried to listen.

I dunno maybe I'm gettin old, maybe Jesus isn't the source for all that I am or some bullshit like that. I dunno. But I do know that I love my sister and the gauntlet has been laid. There's nothing for it but to reach out to her and sand her off like so many before have done to me. I explained with as much patience as I could muster ( not much) that pursuing truth and the bible as inerrant is all well and good, but without love all you have is a hammer.

Jesus didn't come to be a hammer and he didn't call us to be a hammer. He called us to follow him and do what he was doing -what his Father was doing-that is not to say there wasn't some righteous anger there ( like directed to the vendors at the temple.) Jesus never regarded the unsaved or the unclean or the not so perfect Christian as the enemy\target\project\etc.
He regarded us as people, beloved people. who were lost sheep needed to find their master. He cared for people and wanted them to have the opportunity at living water- to be transformed into new creations and to be healed. He looks at us as a Bridegroom to a bride - Not the enemy! That is why he deliberately went to the prostitutes and tax collectors and children and the lame and demon possessed to hang out with them, break bread with them and teach them about the living water. He did it with love and grace and mercy; Not with a whip or a sword ( Peter) or with judgement or shame/guilt/accusations. This is the gist of where my sister's beliefs have formed. The pastor/preacher/church leader/evangelist that would have you believe such a twisted back-white version of Christ will answer to GOD for that. Assholes.

I am just stunned. In my sister's eyes I suppose I am backslidden for swearing and for not injecting the name of Jesus in every breath of my conversations with everyone I meet. I am a stained Christian now for hanging out in bars or having friends that listen to secular music or *gasp* drink alcohol or for leaving my home church. It just breaks my heart that she never told me about this change in her life and that she has chosen to make it a launching point of transformation of the family. I don't believe she is in a cult. Just a very legalistic, religious, bound group of pharisees that call themselves righteous. Her newfound faith goes beyond the lusty freshness of the new believer and stumbles into something else- something that has no joy.

That's the end of my rant. Ya'll pray for my sisterand me- that I can demonstrate love to her and speak with the grace and the love and the little experience that my broken life can give.

50 pound Mark

2006-04-25T07:07:00.000-07:00

Well, On Sept 16, 2005 I had gastric by-pass surgery. Here is my update of what has changed.

I was at 237 pounds 2 weeks prior to surgery-had been rapidly pushing the 240 mark in June 2005.
7 months later, I am now at 187 pounds. That is 1/2 a Supermodel! AND while I am happy where I am at - now smaller than I was in college and about the same as I was in high school. I still have a few goals!

I would like to reach 180 by the end of May.
By June: I would like to approach 170 or dare I dream 160?
In the next 6 months, I would like to improve my exercise habits!
I have already cut my calorie intake. (Ya'll would be surprised what this lil Mex chic can put away -even with the surgery!) I have started walking and just finished a pilates class- now I will join the YMCA.

I have received the go ahead from the doc that in 6 months... I can try to spawn a kid. AND that is if I can get myself to a 150-135 goal. Ideally, I should work my way down another 50-60 pounds to meet the 127 pounds for a 5'1 woman as the prescribed goal. Yikes, 10 pounds per month I dunno- it is possible. That would mean that Seth's Birthday present would be trying to make twins, er a lil furball. . . or a Christmas present of fuzzness. We are a hairy couple. Maybe I will enjoy just being healthy size girl before I stack a kid or two on the deck, still it is new for me to even have that option.

Healthwise:
So far, there hasn't been any meds in my life- just vitamins- no asthma, no CPAP, no insulin, no finger pokes, no depression, no backpain, no knee and joint pain. No swellling of my feet and hands, no wierd skins infections, UTIs, no abnormal liver kidney thyroid HA1C results, no more blood draws every other month. No MRIs, catscans, Ultrasounds, fear of liver cancer, pancreas capooey or decreased vision.

I have had a lot of burping ( eating too fast-they changed my stomach not my brain, people) and now have started the hairloss ( typical of induced malnutrition and recovery from the surgery stress- normal for this phase) and I have the NORMAL hormonal stuff every month. I have some saggy skin- caused I was stretched out from all the fat and, duh- not so much exercise! I have extra BO because my body is learning to use its energy better. Is it worth it too me? Hell yeah. Would I do it again, You bet.

I am so happy-even if nothing else changed today- even if I never lost another pound because I am living and will live longer and be around for Seth and my family. Even if I wasn't allowed to make a kid- I am happy today because I no longer a prisoner in my body.

Great Friday

2006-04-14T06:36:00.000-07:00

I am taking half the day off for the big poobah of a Easter gathering tomorrow. Yeah I know it's on a Saturday... sue me. I am glad for the day and for family and for friends. Ya'll be glad Jesus is the reason for the season! I got nothing against bunnies or anything. There'll be plenty around tomorrow as well.

Well & Rested & Mostly Much Improved

2006-04-10T09:40:00.000-07:00

Soooooo.. Here is my re-cap of the weekend.
FRIDAY
We played Catan Friday night. It was fun, but I was tired and really wanted to crawl into bed. I don't thinkn anyone noticed tho, since I tried very hard to behave myself.

SATURDAY
Saturday I was pooped. We searched most of the morning and long into the afternoon for a Brown Sugar glazed ham. Yeah, there is like 4 of them in all of GR. Seriously, Easter week and there are no dang ol hams to be found! Alas... We found one, but I was mentally and emotionally drained by the end of it all. We got home and I sorta slipped into a fugue. Seth roused me into going for a walk later and we stalked out into the darkness and walked to BlockBastard to rent a couple movies. Wallace & Grommet? Oh Yeah. My spirits felt a twinge of life spring into them. Oh! I called my sister to see if she and her boyfriend are coming to Easter and she tells me she is ENGAGED!!!!!! Yay! AND I have a ham for our dinner!

SUNDAY
Sunday I lazed about. Read my book in bed. Cuddled with the Sookster (my wittle kitty) and had a small tsunami of a temper tantrum over needing pants. OK pants that fit and don't fall off! Seth brought me to the Mall for retail therapy. I am happy to report I have a couple pants and I am no longer in danger of being carried away by a gust of wind ( due to the hugeness of previously owned pants acting like a mast) . Oh yeah and we went to great Japanese Steak House and ate birthday lunch with our friend CHucK. And I ate a bit of cake and we came home and vegged on the couch and then I went sleepy time.

MONDAY
Feeling purple today ( ouchy ) cause I had to have some blood work done. But I am much better than last week. Last week was bad. It was also a foreshadowing of all things pre-mentrual. What am I saying, yeah. PMS . Dang horomones. Tonight I plan on going for another walk and I plan on starting to paint my upstairs foyer; Terra Mexicana. It's a lusty colored orange sherbet maybe clay or sunset corally orange color. It will make me happy and go nice with the Mexicana red in the stairwell. HOOoo Rahhh. Sensing the Mexican theme? yep.

And Janay destroys the volcano!

2006-04-07T11:15:00.000-07:00

Heh, this test is more like it. ( At least my frame of mind lately) I just gotta have a sense o humor about this. Anyone for a dancing hotdog? A box of popcorn with legs?

You Are 66% Evil

You are very evil. And you're too evil to care.

Those who love you probably also fear you. A lot.

How Evil Are You?

Janay versus the Volcano

2006-04-07T11:05:00.000-07:00

I wandered into JustPat's blog again. She's having issues at Meijer with stupid peeple and their cell phones. Cell phones+ Cars+ Parking Lots don't mix. I read her 5 point personality thingy and promptly, wickedly took the test myself. Yep, for the most part I agree. See if you agree... Here are my feeb results ( I don't know about the low neurotic part):

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion:

You have medium extroversion.

You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party.

Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences.

But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time."

Conscientiousness:

You have high conscientiousness.

Intelligent and reliable, you tend to succeed in life.

Most things in your life are organized and planned well.

But you borderline on being a total perfectionist.

Agreeableness:

You have low agreeableness.

Your self interest comes first, and others come later, if at all.

In general, you feel that people are not to be trusted.

And you're skeptical that anyone else really feels differently.

Neuroticism:

You have low neuroticism.

You are very emotionally stable and mentally together.

Only the greatest setbacks upset you, and you bounce back quickly.

Overall, you are typically calm and relaxed - making others feel secure.

Openness to experience:

Your openness to new experiences is medium.

You are generally broad minded when it come to new things.

But if something crosses a moral line, there's no way you'll approve of it.

You are suspicious of anything too wacky, though you do still consider creativity a virtue.

The Five Factor Personality Test

Hot Temper!

2006-04-07T07:00:00.000-07:00

Today I wear shades of red. To compliment my temper! Yesterday was a day that I had to isolate because I was a ticking timebomb. Whooops. So, instead of allowing myself to rage at the world and at others and maybe commit murder... I will express my emotions in color.
RED. REDRUM. Another way I express my temper is to cuss. I can't cuss much because Seth commented last night that I am not a trucker. I also am at work and it would be bad for me to walk around having a Turrett's attack. The fragile psyches here would implode.

Where did I get my terrible temper? I dunno. My ma has a terrible ugly temper or she used to. Mine used to be pretty bad, now it is more sedate ( ish) . Seth says that I have a real high Justice Meter. I think of it more as a BullS*it detector. I can't abide by BS because I try so hard to be honest and to do the right thing. I also can't stand avarice in people or maliciousness. I know that I am a harsh judge, though. I try not to be harsh, more pragmatic about it.

Ever see the scene in Pride & Prejudice when Elizabeth says, " Once you've lost my good opinion, you've lost it forever!" She adjusts that later on, but I am there with her. BullS*it me once and I prolly will extend some grace, BS me twice and you better forget about knowing me as a nice person. I will treat you like a person, but I won't be nice nor will I be compassionate to you in the ways you prefer. I will make you very uncomfortable. I will make it clear that your behaviour is not tolerated. I may make you suffer. It's very un-Christian of me, I know this.
I do try to be gracious, I know people aren't perfect. I know I am not perfect. I know I too can be a jerk.

I think that being a social worker for the past 9 years has made me a bit cynical , tired, and sharply astute in the ways of the world. I don't tolerate much. You can say all you want about what a cold beyotch I am, but I will tell you- it's really because I care so much that I pull my sword out to hack away at the rot. With people, I tend to want to cut my losses - I won't strain myself to convince you that you need to change and I won't be polluted by you either. You know what is right and what is wrong. IF you insist on doing wrong, then I can't let you in. I will love you- but keep your A**hole ways away from me.

Sounds crazy I know. I Offend. Cuz it ain't nice to offend people in this age. BULL SH*T! We need to be offended, if only to recognize that there may be truth in our offense that there may be a NEED TO STEER OURSELVES AWAY FROM OUR RETARDED BEHAVIOR! I get offended all the time and I use that offense to think about what I might need to change or not. I know I need to be softer, I know I need to work on diplomacy, I know what Jesus would do- he'd burn those damn bracelets is what! I don't need reminding about the "loving" way I am not. I know am arrogant and full of rage. People really can suck suck suck suck kumquats! Sometimes I just can't stand people! Yeah you A**hole! ( The driver in front of me - the cow on the phone threatening with her lawwwwwyyyyyyyerrrr-the teenager who throws shoes at us when we go for walks- the jackhole who puts the signs up that say IMPEACH all over the damnbnm place- the freakycat-HO who must have her "oatmeal" soap from Worldmarket TODAY and not go anywhere else- the DialAmerica bungus who keeps calling after I told em 8 buzzillion times I freakin don't want any MORE of your DAmnbnbmbn Magazines and I don't give a crap about the firefighters or the homeless or the girl scouts or Students against Driving drunk)

There. My temper tantrum. Go take a cold shower, it's hot in here.

Mustang Musical

2006-04-04T11:11:00.000-07:00

When I was a kid, Dad owned a bright yellow Mach 1 Mustang with the Black speed- racer stripes and tan interior ( I think)... cause the most I remember about the interior was the steering wheel had a brown leather sport cover on it with all those tiny grip holes. Oh yeah! and the bucket seats that I would curl up in as we would travel about Michigan and on our trips to Texas.

The air always smelled like Stetson and the stereo system was killer. We'd spend those hours listening to REO Speedwagon, Boston, Journey, Blondie, Aldo Nova, Foreigner, and ZZ Top. What? Did you expect Mexican Ranchero fare? Nah, my Dad had craZee taste in music and being his lil gurl: SO DO I ! Neil Diamond, Teddy Pendergrass, Tina Turner, Johnny Mathis, Linda Rondstat...Boss Skaggs. Just don't make me dredge up the awful Nu Shuz, Expose, and Taylor Dane era cause that just gives me a headache... and I get embarassed!

The Mustang would make a clackity clack sound every time we crossed bridges or overpasses. I imagined it sounded alot like horse hooves and it would lull me to sleep. I love sleeping in cars! And this car was the best.

The Mustang Memory (in Holland, MI)
My dad and I loved to take "the Mustang" to the Blue Lantern Carwash and we would watch the brushes and curtains of soap and different colored foams spray down around us. Then when we reached the mirrored part we would OOOOhh and AAahhh and the shiny brightness and make faces at each other. Then we would go to DogNSuds for a footlong chili-dog and a rootbeer float. I would hum away to the songs on cassette tape and Dad would tease me about my singing. He would take his Ferrrari fold up like a butterfly sunglasses and put them on me and pinch my nose. We would argue about how I looked like my mom and I would shriek at him that I didn't look like mom! I looked like him! I have his nose! And he would say, you must be my kid because you have that extra fold in your ears like me... and I would smile- because I have ears like my dad! The mustang would be all warm and comfortable like a soft bed on Sunday morning and we'd cruise through Zeeland and make our way to Grand Rapids. I would fall asleep and dream about singing with the guys from Air Supply. I'd be propped up out off the sunroof of the Mustang with a microphone in my hand and my jean jacket and collar turned up (like El Vis) and the guys from Air Supply would be surrounding the car like in the movie Grease...

Getting Ready for Easter

2006-03-30T07:43:00.000-08:00

So I had an argument with Seth yesterday because the time has come for our annual Easter Dinner Gathering. This is something I've done since before we were married. Gathered friends and family to celebrate and feast!

This year there has been so much crazyness happening, so much loss and turmoil - what with our struggles with church and all. I had a vision of having this huge BBQ style party and gathering all our friends around me to eat ham and sip sangria. That is until reason ( in the name of Seth) spoke up to shatter my flimsy dream...
The conversation sorta sounds like this:

Seth -"We couldn't possibly fit 28 people in our house. Are you insane? "

Me- But honey, I was thinking we could buy a tent and set it up in the backyard...

Seth - "Do you mean that you want people to stand out there in all the mounded up dog crap and eat? What if it rains?"

Me- We could sit around inside Indian style at the coffee table and couches and stuff. Maybe set up the card tables?

Seth- " What happened to having a nice meal at our table with all those nice dishes you have? "

Me- I want it to be like a BBQ!

Seth, " People want a nice sit down meal for Easter Dinner and no one wants to sit around on the floor. We don't have room for 28 people in our house! We don't have money to rent out the VFW- why don't you just not invite so many people?"

Me- I was thinking casual.. but... Who do you suggest I cut from my list? We've already invited some people.

Seth- " I don't have time to talk about this right now......."

Me- pouting- But I have to get the invitations out! How do I know how many invitations to send?

Seth- "I am at work. Don't make me hang up on you. You're being unreasonable right now. Can't we talk about this when I get home? "

Me- uh sure.

Okay, I am insane... I must be nesting or it's the solar lunar whatever eclipse. I still want 28 people to come for Easter. I am evil.

Evolution

2006-03-27T06:34:00.000-08:00

I like telling stories. I really do! I think that I like telling my story because it connects me all over again to the things/people/places that I cherish and maybe it connects people to me; allowing me to cherish them.

A place I cherish is Williamsburg, Michigan.
I sort of grew up in isolation there, but I also developed my imagination in all the wild places.
My secret wild places where the cherry/peach/plum/pear orchards, surrounding our house the train tracks behind the Christmas trees at the back of the orchards, the Indian markers at the Marsh by Smith Lake, the trails that wind around Baggs road and the patches of trillium, lady slipper and jack in the pulpit that Grandma Schlagel showed me to find behind their land.

Williamsburg is were I learned to dislike the taste of TAB and Bacon Horseradish chip dip. But I also learned to adore rhubarb-strawberry pie and greenbean casserole ( white people food-yeesh!) Here is were I learned about fairy princesses and soldiers and moss palaces. I discovered the magic of Quaking Poplar trees and the beauty of Golden Birch bark. I learned about Dutchman's Breeches ( a flower) and I learned to pick cabbages and vegetables and eat woodchuck and opossum.
On our road ( Elk Lake Road off of M-72) I watched as the barrels went up every year to collect the sap for maple syrup. At home, I collected bread bags for 'shrooming Morels in the spring. I learned that rabbits don't eat actual carrots, rather they eat carrot tops! My favorite times where when the Rheykopf's cows would get loose and the road would fill up with everyone trying to round them up and the crazy eyed cows mooing! The road would smell like cowcrap for a not couple days!

(I also learned about Polock jokes and MASH and Milwaukee Best beer and Pickup trucks and other things redneck. )

It was a wierd clash of cultures for me, but I liked learning stuff and I could slip away into the woods or to my room and imagine much more wierdo stuff. Like the flying lazyboy chairs and the Witch Wars of the Williamsburg forest. I also was convinced that our farm house was hunted by aliens and haunted by an old lady who died upstairs. Ahh Williamsburg!

Looking for Remains

2006-03-23T12:07:00.000-08:00

Lately life has been a lot like excavating the old dirt for dinosaur bones. I've been dusting off little nuggets of bones and piecing them together to see what stories they tell me about the past. Maybe that's it. I have been trying to find those meaningful stories that help me identify my DNA. Strategizing what God's intentions where when he put me together and flung me out into the world.

Watching George Lopez and Freddie Prinze Jr last night made me laugh. I watch George and I picture my Dad or my Uncle Palomo. I see them yucking it up over beers and making fun of us kids. I see Freddie Prinze and I see myself trying to be all smooth, cavalier about how easy my life is compared to the Rancheros back in Tejas. Ashamed that I am soft and have lost the hard edges of poverty and earthiness of less edjumacated. I think about the scene where George's son sees Freddies house and is all impressed. George is like, " Hey what's wrong with our house? You want a view? I'll put your bed on the roof. Then you can have your view." I guffawed and snorted. I felt sad when Freddie's niece asked George's son if he read any good books. She lists off Of Mice & Men and a few other literary greats. I noted the look of her disgust when he stated, " You've read 2 books?!" He's a 14 year kid and she's a 14 year old girl from a different world. When both the shows are over I feel sour inside. I was that girl. I was a snot.

Looking on at my "bumpkin" family - They used to call me "the Nerd" and "ET" because I got glasses in 5th grade. I liked to read a lot and I enjoyed helping out with chores because I had this dumb fantasy that boys would see what a good wife I would make. Heh, like they think that crap at that age! I was delusional in my practicality. Tell Seth about that today and he will look at you cross-eyed, Janet liked doing chores? I don't do shiyat around the house unless I am moved by necessity. Poor Seth carries the load most of the time. Honest! I just do the cooking.

Seth doesn't quite understand my reactions to all this because he doesn't fully appreciate the marked differences of the world I left behind( or was I taken from it?) He sees it as funny, but it doesn't touch him the same way. I don't think he can imagine recycling the metal coffee canisters as a bed pan, so we didn't have to go bathroom in the cold and dark of night. ( Maybe that is why I don't drink coffee- latent memories! OMG!) Or why I hate the smell of ZEST soap. Reminds me of the migrant camp! Or why I get embarrassed when he asked me what a word means in Spanish and I don't know or can't remember.

I think about my OCD need to feed people, it is both a cultural thing and a tactical thing. Food makes you feel good, but I also recall the winters when money was tight and a Cup-a-Soup packet was all I was getting for lunch and dinner. * **Not that I was wasting away mind you! ***I think I packed on the weight to combat looking like the bony, bulging -bellied Ethiopean Kids they liked to show on TV in the 80s. I took sick pleasure in pretending I was Sally Struthers in all her huge glory. I would be safe from starvation one way or another!

Alas those are days past. I put the bones away and consider my life in the present. We have a huge house and full cupboards and no one is wasting away and there hasn't been a block of government cheese in my fridge for a very very long long time. I have the luxury of shopping at stores beyond Walmart, KMart and Family Dollar. I don't buy Zest -ever- and I am a veteran of the Malls. My family, the ones that I miss so much, they are scraping by. They don't have retirement funds or health insurance. Hell they probably don't even pay taxes! They don't have the security of a car that runs well. My aunt is afraid to go to the 'rich people's' mall and only goes to the flea market and to Walmart. Fancy dinners for her is going to the pizza buffet in McAllen and trying the Salad Bar. My cousins have kids and feel bad for me that I don't have any. They never went to college nor did they want to. They have never traveled outside of Texas. They don't read books, they don't read magazines either, but they go to bars and cock fights and have BBQs with the best of them. They think nothing of their husbands going to a Titty bar and getting blind drunk on a Saturday night. They can make quick money working Labor Ready and Manpower. They don't own a computer or know a damn thing about the internet. Like a Mexican episode of the Roseanne Barr Show. Remember her? Lest you think I have disgust, you need to know that I love my family. I just feel like an alien. I relish the simplicity of their lives, the survival instincts, the genius of how they keep everything together with so little- maybe that is what I miss. That is what I want to glean from my heritage.

I remember going to Mexico on a mission trip and being angry at the team. They looked around and saw poverty everywhere and were stricken. I looked around and saw home. The people didn't know they were poor. I remember the burning shame I felt at how much I had and how greedy I was with it. I was so entitled and priveledged- acting just like everybody else, hopping on a plane to help people who didn't really need me or my drama. They were perfectly happy to let me pretend I was being useful. Man O Man. How the wheels have turned.

Speaking the truth thru the eyes of Carlos Mencia

2006-03-21T10:48:00.000-08:00

Heh, I like the comedian: Carlos Mencia. One thing about him is he is funny and he pretty much tells it like it is. Some people may find it offensive, but me? Nah. Mostly, I find him honest.

I was thinking about my roots the other day and felt confused about my ethnic authenticity. Yeah, that's a mouthful of tamales you can be sure. What I mean is that Carlos was talking about being mixed: Honduran & Mexican and mocking how we further segregate ourselves into classes of ethnicity. Oh you're Puerto Rican. but you're so light skinneded. ( yes, I wrote skinneded)

For me, I am Spanish and Mexican. I look more like Mexi-light that EuroSpanishican. I don't look like a classic Mexican. I don't have Indian black hair nor the big cow eyes. I am shorter, but not crazy short like a Guatamalteco. I am lightskinned, olive toned but more green than tan and not golden and definitely not brown. I am not in the beaner class of color nor am I in the Spanish class of tall almond eyed with the cleft chin of the Moros- Spaniard. I don't look regal at all. More like a serf than a peasant.

Why am I wasting time pondering this stuff? Well, because I realize that I am not fully Mexican or Spanish. I am American. My English passes for excellent, my Spanish passes for a 5th grader. I go to the supermercado and I feel like a tourist. I don't belong there. I go to Meijers and I think I can blend. I go to Marshall Field's and I feel like a shoplifter. I can identify with most white people and I can identify with a Texan. But it is a far stretch for me to identify with Mexicans beyond the world of the George Lopez show anymore. I was a chick that got separated from the hen house called home and put in someone else's henhouse. Sort of like how black people try so desperately to identify with their African roots, but really don't have a clue of what being African is all about. There is a void there. A blank space. A black hole. I am like that. It makes me both sad and relieved. My life is easy compared to your common wetback or beaner. I can pass for Anglo, but I am not. I am acutely aware that I am not Anglo/White/Gringo because of some of the crazy stuff white people do or how they think about the world. It is a distinct cultural shift.
Here is an example, White people send thank you cards. Why do you do that? It's a nice gesture and all, but for me ( tacobendergirl) I don't see the point. Of course I am thankful for your gift- I told you that in person and I tell you how much I appreciate you when I feed you or call you my friend and that is why I did that thing for you or got you a gift in the first place.
I know it seems like I make a big deal out of this- but do you understand what I am saying? I think of it like a redundance or ass kissing- cause I'm honest that way.

The other thing W-people do is separate their friends from their family or even your friends from your friends. Not saying that you all do it, maybe it's a West Michigan thing- because some of you do that- I know I noticed. See- in my world you mix everybody up. You blend in the frijoles with the carne. Like I said, not all peeps are like that- but I have noticed in certain circles that ya'll keep a close reign on family privacy. Sunday mornings it's " We have lunch plans with the parents or We didn't make it because the family is visiting, etc" Sharing your family with your friends lets you in on an whole new world. Who you really are; because your mom was there when you wet the bed- so you caint act all fancy around her. Just like friends who experience you in different ways too. When I was a kid in Texas, my folks had everybody around- even the neighbors- no one was in "private time" cause it was rude. I noticed that I have slipped into that mode lately. I want my "private time" at home, I want my peace & quiet. I don't want to be "bothered" by visitors. That's crap. My abuelita didn't raise me like that, but you know I have spent too much time amongst you natives. I have forgotten the kindness and joys of a full house and a shared meal and shared labors. That's one thing White people don't do very well either. You come to somebody's house and you eat and you leave the mess. You have to be told to help out, it's un-natural. Now if you aren't like that- you know I am not talking about you. But there's some of you reading this and you know who you are- you're red in the face cuz you are the skippers. (The Cucu has his eye on you, brother!) So I am done commenting on stuff. I guess I just needed to connect to the brownside of me and remember that I am my granma's girl- my papito's mimi- and I am mexi-me. No I am not brown nor indigenous nor eurospanish- I'm just the gurl born in the corn fields of Ohio, raised in Texas and Northern Michigan.

The Killers

2006-03-17T05:51:00.000-08:00

Seth bought me this CD, The Killers, www.islandrecords.com/thekillers/ the other day.

It was a day when we were hashing out our marriage-junk over breakfast at the Sundance Grill Downtown. I would say that the food was so so southwest. I don't understand the need to paprika & green pepper everything to death , but it was ok. Our long ago disappeared friend ( KATIE! who moved back to Cadillac) used to say, "It'll make a turd." That was about the extent of it.
Then we went for a stroll in the freezing cold wind and discovered a new cafe /bookstore that seemed promising. Perusing the CDs I found The Killers and swooned. This band has all the drama of The Cure, the heady bass of The Strokes, and the exquisite lyrics of a group of musical master storytellers ( maybe Talking Heads ish or even New Order). I luvs them, they are so precious...

When I was growing up...

2006-03-11T05:01:00.000-08:00

Heh, I found this and loved it! Although in my house, we couldn't afford the Jiffy Pop, we used popcorn in a bag and oil in grandma's cast-iron skillet. And we didn't have cable. We lived on a damn farm ( orchard) and they didn't run "cable" to where we lived. So we used rabbit ears. My cousins used to tell me that our TV had a ( reference to that movie) because it was always going snowy it was so old. We didn't have Atari either, I entertained my brain with books. Yeah, those things made with paper that you "read" , not "read" by listening (audio books my ass) which is not reading... If we were lucky enough to go to the mall -you were damn grateful there was a Sears or JC Penney there because that was it. I thought going to the grocery store was a dang adventure. Ok, so maybe we lived in the country and we were po' but you get the picture. Nowadays even t he damn po kids run around with expensive crap they can't afford. When I was a kid, Po' was PO. You couldn't and wouldn't get credit cards. Yeah yeash And so forth.. read on!

IF you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!

IF you are under 30….it’s still pretty funny!!When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning ... uphill BOTH ways .. yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!But now that...I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy!I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!There was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter ... with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!

And talk of about hardship? You couldn't just download porn! You had to steal it from your parents or bribe some homeless dude to buy you a copy of a dirty magazine at the 7-11! Those were your options!

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked ass! Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! ... Just like LIFE!

When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed!

Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no onscreen menu and no remote control! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up . we had to use the stove or go build a frigging fire ... imagine that! If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid JiffyPop thing and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot. That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled.You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980! Regards, -The 30 Something crowd!

It's WORK

2006-03-07T06:36:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking about my single friends and young married friends. They get a lot of pressure to mimic being perfect. Singles better hurry up and get married. Young marrieds better hurry up and produce kids. Older marrieds? yikes. I don't know. I think I still fall under the young married. Does 5 years count as young? Nowadays it feels like we're lucky to last this long... the lifetime of a kindergartener. Anyway, in my many blog seekings I found this gen of a post. Long, but worthy of your attention!

Here is a great article from Maurice Broadus www.mauricebroaddus.com

Friday Night Date Place - A Realistic View of Marriage
Alright, this is a leftover bit from my rant from last week. The question you may want to ask yourself before “why date?” may be “why marry?” Let’s take a brief overview of what it means to get married, what you are really in for. Things begin when you exchange one gift (singleness) for another (marriage). Actually, I could spend some time talking about that because as is, singleness is typically viewed as a curse, something we have to endure until we reach the "promised land" known as marriage. Let me tell you, that was a rough transition for me because I really enjoyed being single. I had plenty of friends. I was able to go out (and more importantly, be alone) when I wanted. And I was busy. In other words, I led a full single life. I think having a lot of interests, a sense of belonging/community, and a lot to do (the free time to minister as I felt led, for example--which I don't have now, not because I don't have the desire, but because my wife and kids would like to see me on occasion and they are the prime demanders of my time). Belonging and busyness are probably the secrets to being fulfilled while single.I could be wrong though. Either way, I digress.

Marriage equals a loss of freedom. Suddenly, you are accountable to another person. Not just accountable, but expected. Expected. As in someone would like to be with you, invading your space all the time, and expects you to be there. Presence is a powerful thing to get used to. Don't let anyone fool you: none of us know what we're doing. As singles, we spent a lot of time and used up a lot of brainspace figuring out how things would be when we were married (the hardest dream to let die was the idea that marriage meant "sex all the time" - apparently the thing that married people do together most is watch tv together). Good, think about it, but just realize that the reality may not be what you thought it was. Heh. One of the stories that my wife still recounts (with just a hint of bitterness if you listen closely enough) is how long it took me to get used to the idea that I wasn't living life on my own anymore. Apparently, and who knows, she remembers these things better than I (with just a hint of bitterness if you listen closely enough), I used to randomly leave the house without telling her. She'd be talking to me one minute, I would remember I needed something at the grocery store and leave. Something I used to not think twice about. Until I got back home. I'm still thinking about it.With a hint of bitterness.If I listen closely enough.But I digress. And she's not going to think this nearly as amusing as I do. I’m not saying that this was one of the first, and often painfully learned, lessons of my marriage in the first few months. I’m just saying. Before I got married, no one asked me where I was going, who I was going with, or when I would be back. On the flip side, no one cared either.With marriage, your privacy is invaded on a scale that you haven’t seen since you were forced to share your room with your sibling. Your sin is fully exposed. Hey, I thought I was a pretty good guy until I got married, because there was no one around to see me all the time or tell me otherwise. I never realized what an ass I could be until I had another person around me all the time. (That’s not entirely true. I did have a pretty good idea, it’s just nothing you put on your dating resume.)

Marriage is a lifetime commitment. That’s forever for at least one of you. Marriage is a sacrifice of yourself for the sake of another. You surrender your personal rights as you strive to please another (I Cor. 7:32-34). Marriage is risk. There is no guarantee of happiness or fulfillment. You are always vulnerable to heartache or heartbrokenness. No one can hurt you the way, nor as deeply, a spouse can.

Marriage is work.
Marriage is work.
Marriage is work.

And you know what? Sadly, I have seen some wrong reasons folks have thought of as reasons to get married:
-tax breaks (though don’t get me wrong, that is why I decided to have kids)
-to make a home
-to have sex or children (as if that is the sole purpose of marriage - remember, there is always television)
-to end or prevent loneliness (marriage is no guarantee of that: there is nothing worse that being lonely in a marriage. At least when you are single, you can theoretically do something about it).

For the record, marriage:
-will not (necessarily) end your aloneness
-will not (necessarily) fulfill your needs
-will not solve your problems (note that I didn’t qualify that one)
-is not God’s plan for everyone (listen up church!)
-will not solve your lust issues (the one thing that NO ONE ever tells you when they throw the I Corithians "better to be married than burn" passage at you)

Basically, any reason outside of being with the person themselves is bad.Let me come back to our idea of singleness vs. marriage. When did marriage become a reward? Seriously, when did we start acting like God was punishing us with a time of singleness to make us appreciate marriage when we got it. It’s that mindset that leads people to say things like, “one day, you’re time will come.” Are you freaking kidding me? If I’m my wife’s reward for something, she needs to be doing some heavy repenting. There’s no point in pursuing dating as some sort of mission to fall in love if most folks don’t even have a realistic view of marriage. I maintain that the idea of romantic love was one of the worse things to happen to marriage. People (women, there, I said. I ain’t scared of you.) have unrealistic visions of what dating should be. You spot each other from across a room. There is an instant, if unadmitted, chemistry. There is an exchange of witty banter, followed by a chase/hunt that triumphs over misunderstandings and adversity. Most of us expect to enter into marriage via falling in love with someone who makes our toes dance, who makes us tingle. Too often “falling in love” amounts to setting up alters to ourselves: when we lose that tingle, we think that something’s wrong or it is time to move on because we are no longer fulfilled or having our needs met. Believe me, I wish that we as a culture respected marriage as an institution a lot more than we do. When we start tossing around phrases like “starter marriages” or when some countries have begun treating marriage like business contracts (people enter into marriage committed for X amount of years, with the option to renew), I can’t pretend that the unrealistic view of marriage is somehow limited to singles in the church.
You fall in love with an ideal, you divorce the reality. A person’s “charming quirks” become irritating traits that become the daily bane of your existence. That most wonderful of women becomes a nagging lump. That man you spent hours just thinking about, you now try to forget the stunt he pulled last night. Her wit becomes biting sarcasm. His suave dress doesn’t match the streaked underwear you have to pick up and wash.
In other words, you better not be a damsel because we certainly ain’t knights.

Deep Thots -The search for Steve Zizzou

2006-02-28T05:51:00.000-08:00

Nah, I have no idea what I'm writing, but that's breaks. Soooo. This weekend was a wierd one. During a nice breakfast with the hubbie - we ended up talking about our stuff. Basically, we want to quit our jobs and start a small business. He also feels that he needs to get a college degree because he doesn't have one and he feels ??? inadequate??? as a man. He feels like he has so few options without that piece of paper. I have my opinions about college. Yes I have a degree, but it was mostly a waste of cash. I can't remember the last time I worked in the arena of my degree- yikes. It's been 10 years since college, that is a scary amount of time. So we discussed that and then we discussed his divorce from his first wife.

Yes, I married a guy who was married once before. I never felt wierd about it, but you would be surprised at how some people react that he's been divorced. They look at us in shock. His wife left him. That had an impact that I am feeling today. Hubbs feels that I could possibly get bored and just walk away from our marriage. He live in fear that I would do that. This is not an unreasonable fear. I have a history of starting things and stopping things. I have an uncanny ability to - become distracted? Fickle. Yep. I am a semi-creative person and I have a compulsive personality. So I like making bead jewelry. I will spend a couple months doing that and I move on. I like scrapbooking... I do that for a while and then I move on. I sew purses, I paint, I draw, I listen to music, I read books, I cook, I blog.... There are more stop/ starts than I can count. And I want to start a business? INSANE. Then there is the whole friendship thing and relationships with people and my history with old guy friends. I am sooo fickle with friends. I am not really a long time friend keeper. I don't have people in my life that I have known since I was a kid. Well, maybe one- but she lives in Minnesota and I haven't really been good about keeping in touch. The same with all my boyz. There are soo many guys that I was so close to and now... who knows where they are?! Same with my gals. I lived with these 4 great women for about 3 years and I rarely keep in touch. Hell, I barely keep in touch with my family. It was 20 years befoer I made it back to Texas. My dad was dead. I went and saw family. I am such an out of sight out of mind personality. So my husband fears that our marriage won't last because of my prone to move on bits. There is also the whole, my first wife left me and I never saw it coming. I guess I am concerned about this. Am I being distructive ? I don't know. I do know that I am a fight and flight personality. I fight like hell and I fly away. hmmm. Now what was I doing?

Janet's Johari Ventana

2006-02-20T08:57:00.000-08:00

Cause Headless had one. and I am curious. Here is my personal Johari Window http://kevan.org/johari?name=JanetPickleOsVentana. Show me some love and add your 2 cents.

Happy Valentine's Day to me! I am 10 Cow Wife!

2006-02-14T12:53:00.000-08:00

a ten cow wife via scott.club365.net

Perhaps you've heard the story of Johnny Lingo, a man who lived in the South Pacific. The islanders all spoke highly of him. He was strong, good-looking, and very intelligent. But when it came time for him to find a wife, people shook their heads in disbelief. The woman Johnny chose was plain, skinny, and walked with her shoulders hunched and her head down. She was very hesitant and shy. She was also a bit older than the other married women in the village, which did nothing for her value. But this man loved her.

What surprised everyone most was Johnny's offer. In order to obtain a wife, you paid for her by giving her father cows. Four to six cows was considered a high price. The other villagers thought he might pay two or even three cows at the most. But he gave ten cows for her!! Everyone chuckled about it, since they believed his father-in-law put one over on him. Some thought it was a mistake.

Several months after the wedding, a visitor from the United States came to the Islands to trade, and heard the story of Johnny Lingo and his ten-cow wife. Upon meeting Johnny and his wife the visitor was totally taken aback, since this wasn't a shy, plain, and hesitant woman, but one who was beautiful, poised, and confident.The visitor asked about this transformation, and Johnny Lingo's response was very simple. "I wanted an ten-cow woman, and when I paid that for her and treated her in that fashion, she began to believe that she was an ten-cow woman. She discovered she was worth more than any other woman in the islands. And what matters most is what a woman thinks of herself."

In my comments from the Lily post I listed all the wonderful stuff Seth has done for me this past week. It was amazing. I felt blessed and honored and cherished in abundance, surprised at myself because I am typically not wanting for those feelings.
Last week and this weekend were rough. I battled the depression monster and was in one of my darkest moments on Sunday. I think that the faithfulness that my husband has for me during these times is precious. He is faithful for me when I have nothing left. Powerful stuff this marriage-love-convenant thing. Today I feel strengthened by showering him with surprises and laughter too. I "hid" farm animal valentines in his dresser and the medicine cabinet and on the toilet seat . They showed pictures of A dog saying "You're Dog gone awesome!" and a Horse saying" Quit horsing around and be my valentine!" I made some saucy homemade coupons as well.... no where near as extravagent as what he has done for me.., but I know it matters to him more than anything when I choose life again. again. again. He transfered energy to me this weekend in the form of flowers and delicacies like chocolate and fine dining and nostalgia. He made me laugh by tickling me to death and prayed over me and cuddled me in my zombified state. Yes, I am a 10 cow woman... indeed.

Furled Up Like a Lily

2006-02-13T08:36:00.000-08:00

Got flowers delivered at work today- lilies from Seth. They are white with blush tones on the outside and a deep magenta striped on the inside. A lady told me they are called StarGazer Lilies. Right now they are still in bud form- furled up tight and getting ready to unfurl. They are beautiful. I feel like them right now. Furled up like an umbrella or a new spring leaf before the first good rain. Like a lily. I feel glad deep inside because there is a place where these lilies are growing and thriving. They aren't dormant under the snow- they aren't contained in frozen soil- they aren't held hostage to the winter season. I want to be in that place where the lily is thriving right now. hmmm.

You Are A Lily

You are a nurturer and all around natural therapist.

People see you as their rock. And they are able to depend on you.

You are a soothing influence. You can make people feel better with a few words.

Your caring has more of an impact than even you realize.

What Flower Are You?

And now for something completely different...

2006-02-02T07:35:00.000-08:00

I have been on a stomach induced-self induced hiatus. I think I am depressed because TiVo isn't capturing what I like to watch on account of Prison Break isn't on until March and Lost has repeats and NCIS has repeats and What Not To Wear has repeats. Also there is like 2 more episodes of Gilmore Girls with like 80 epidsodes of repeats WTF?!!!! and don't get me started on Veronica Mars because I just caught 1 new epi after like 3 weeks of nada. Yeah, I am living life vicariously through the shows I record on TiVo. I suck rotten avocados, yeesh.

I think I am at a turning point for awhile. We decided to stay at the building ( church) because we don't feel like God is directing us to leave yet. Last Sunday I felt compelled again to rise up out my seat, walk up to the front, relieve the poor sucker trying to lead worship and shout at the congregation, " YOU STIFF-NECKED PEOPLE! GET OUT OF HERE! GOD DOESN'T WANT YOUR PITHEY CAST-OFFS!" Yeah, I am a little incensed ( sp?) I am being judgemental and disgusted, but I could really give a crap! Just drop my drawers right there an doo doo.

The sad thing is my friend Headless tells me that even if I did that, it wouldn't make a dent. People would just be pissed that I disrupted thier service. WTF?! Yeah, I am cussing. Lord forgive me! I am cussing! I guess I am wondering why we bother if we don't care? Every person in that room just sat there or stood there like a lemming, no emotion no smile just frowns or blank looks. They actually looked bored. The worship team looked sick and the worship leader looked panicked. He tried so damn hard to vitalize us, so hard. . . it was sad. I admire his courage. At one point I just sat there and openly sobbed. I sobbed at the coldness and the empty spirit. I sobbed in sorrow that I haven't been allowed to leave, and frustration that these people and the pastor seem so vacant. I then went up to Pastor and looked at him, tears filling my eyes. I said to him, " GOD WILL HAVE HIS WAY." I prayed over him and sat with him and wondered what it would take to move him and this congregation. I went back to my seat and read Zechariah. Ouch.

This is why it is safer for me to live in TiVo land for now. I wouldn't want to upset the status quo at the building. I know I am not perfect, I know I am a dork, a jerk even. I know I have a raging Mexicana temper- but I love my LORD. And help me I love the stiff- necked people at the building. I am fighting for my soul, because my flesh says to let them burn. My heart says to fight for them. Cue the Pat Benetar songs... Love is a battlefield.

Sto-mach aches

2006-01-24T06:38:00.000-08:00

Ugh, been sick for a couple daze days. Now Seth has it. NOt happy.

4 the meme is the word

2006-01-20T09:07:00.000-08:00

From Brenda!

4 Jobs I have had in my life:
I worked the circulation desk at a local newspaper
I worked for the Chamber of Commerce in Traverse CIty
I worked in a coffee shop in a mall
I worked in a custom built furniture shop/barn

4 movies I watch over and over:
Pride & Prejudice BBC version
Strictly Ballroom
Hellboy
Hope Floats

4 places I've lived:
Edinburg, Texas
Holland, MI
Williamsburg, MI
Grand Rapids, MI (Yeah I know boring...)

4 TV shows I like to watch:
LOST
Veronica Mars
Ghost Whisperer
My name is Earl ( I could keep going because I TiVo!)

4 places I've vacayed at:
(Hmm. never really vacayed much in my life.)
Colorado
Disneyland (the one in Orlando)
Taquamenon Falls, UP MI
Chicago, Illi Noise

Now I have labored in Albany, NY; DC, Mexico and Florida but I wouldn't call it a vacay.

4 websites I visit daily:
Loudbuzz
Beerhorsts
Capt Wow
Waiter Rant and about 100 more that I peruse.

4 places I'd rather be:
On a road trip to Texas
My studio at home
Chicago Art Museum
Any Art Museum or the British Museum of Natural History or in France eating cheese or Italy drinking vino or in Mexico climbing my peeps pyramids or ... !

The Beauty of Death - Draft one

2006-01-20T06:56:00.000-08:00

(This post was written a couple weeks ago, I put it away and I am working on it now. Here is a sample. I dedicate it to every one I love and claim as belonging to me - yes even you in the blogosphere!)

I think of death in a different way now. I used to be afraid of it because I never experienced it in a personal way. I had never been to a funeral in my life and the people that have died whom I love where so far away that it never really seemed real. More like they went on a trip somewhere and they aren't back yet, I still expect to see them. ( I have never claimed to not be a weirdo.)

As a follower of Jesus/God/Holy Spirit I have started come to certain ideas about life and death. What I mean is that we never really belong to anyone except God. He created us and loves us and calls us unto life and calls us unto death. Not like we're slaves or pets or anything, but because we are loved. So... I think of us being "lent" to the World (people) until Jesus comes back to complete the promise of heaven on earth. I believe that "heaven" isn't the end for us - he said we will have everlasting life and that we are foreigners here. So I'm thinking that death isn't an "afterlife" so much as a continuation of our "true" life, the life that was supposed to happen before the whole garden fuck up thing. So I figure we spend our lives trying to get back to the Garden, death is when we finally get in.

WHY I LET MY DAD DIE
As much as I wanted my dad to "live" I could never deny him to be with the Father. After all isn't that what Christians say they long for? To be with their Father in Heaven? God designed it so that heaven would be on earth. That was his intention when he created the world. That hasn't happened yet, but it will. That means that I will see my dad again and his body will be healed and perfect. I may not even recognize him, but I'll know it's him because I will have love with me always. I know this breaks down for people who don't believe in Jesus or in God, but I think that God has a plan for that too. I just don't know what it is. I just know what he promises and that he is good. My dad believed in God.

About 2 months before I was married ( 5 years ago now) he accepted Jesus as Lord. He became a follower of Jesus. When he learned he had cancer ( my first year married) he did all the things a Mexican man would do. He avoided the Doctor and called me instead. I knew it was bad as soon as he described his symptoms, he knew it was bad. He had major surgery to have the tumor removed, but he knew it was bad. The cancer came back and he told me that he would do chemo because that is what the doctor told him to do. I researched everything I could and I knew he would die anyway. He knew he would die too. The doctor never said a word about it until it was so bad there was no point in pretending ( sorry doc) . That's ok, but I know my dad. I prayed and cried out to God, but I knew that this happens- people die. My daddy was dying. So, I decided that I would trust God with my dad. I had to. I believe the whole thing about Heaven and it not being finished with us and everything. I thought about how my dad was going to prepare a place for me- Him and Jesus were picking out the perfect spot for me. I think that is so cool. I decided to honor my dad by letting him die. I didn't want to be one of those people who wouldn't surrender their desires for the people they loved. I wasn't going to start taking my dad to faithhealers or prophets or witches or asian herbalists .. I wasn't going to allow him to become an experiment or lab project. He didn't want that either. I have to respect my dad's wishes as painful as it all is. So I tried to make his last days the best I could. We had a birthday party for him on his birthday, I cooked him great meals and we went on road trips and we talked about all the beautiful and scary stuff of life and death. We bought a house he could be proud of and he moved in. He was there for my 30th birthday and my friends came and he got to see that I was loved and would be taken care of. He smiled so much! I left my job and spent good times and bad with him. I drew sketches and cleaned his car and bought him robes and slippers. I picked up Wendy's chili for him in the middle of the night. I made sure his brother and sisters knew he loved them and they came and stayed with us ( 15 under one roof) My dad experienced family in all the fullness that I could provide short of a grandchild. But he got to know my then-new kitten, Harry. so almost a grandchild.. a grand kitten!

My dad told me that he had lived his life and he had experienced more than he ever hoped he would. He said he was surprized at how well everything turned out. He just wanted for me to live my life as best as I could. He told me he wanted me healthy and happy. He told me to trust my husband and love him as hard as possible. He told me that death was just another part of life and not to worry so much about crap like funerals ( yes he said crap). That his body was a husk for his soul and that it really wasn't important- he was seeing God soon anyway. Some drunk would probably piss on him at the cemetary anyway ( yes he said piss). That's my dad and that why I forced my self to be ok with letting him go. That doesn't mean that I don't miss him or feel sadness or feel anger that he's gone. It just is.

Hidden Meanings

2006-01-19T06:58:00.000-08:00

I was reading Rick's post about the laundry basket, http://studiobeerhorst.hartville.org, and I got prickly about it. It got under my skin and I had to wander away and think about other stuff for a while. I wonder why that is? There wasn't anything terrible in the post. I felt raw reading it though. Then I wandered over to Steve's blog and read the update on his family. His father in law is dying. They are in that space where I was 3 years ago. Those thin spaces when you have to remember to breathe and aren't sure what the future holds because what is coming is so sad, so painful to look at that you wish you were blind. Have you ever noticed that when you are hurting, even when you close your eyes, you still see too much of everything?

Today the sun is shining and I can feel the warmth on my arms and on my thigh. It shines right into the office window and hits the right side of my body just so. Like the very lightest touch of hands and fingers. Every now and then I have to turn to the window and look over my shoulder to reassure myself that no one is standing there.

I have a weird haunted feeling today. I should be in an episode of Ghost Whisperer and find out who is trying to communicate with me. Someone who can't cross over because they have to tell me about the paper hidden in back of the canvas of the picture they painted for me before they were cruelly taken out of my life. Jennifer Love Hewett will turn to me with those huge cow eyes and flap those huge eyelashes fringed with tears and say "they want tell you that you are not alone..." and then I will cry and say, " I can feel them!" and the camera will zoom in to show the ghost standing by my face holding my hair and staring at me saying, " I love you" and then I say, " I feel so peaceful." Damn, I really love that show!

Being hispanic, I come from a tradition of people who really believe in the supernatural. When dad died, my aunts would say to me that I would dream about him and to pay attention because he would speak to me and that it would be a blessing. Sure enough, I did. And I kept dreaming about him for several months. He would appear and want to take me to lunch. He would forget that he took his medicine already. He would moan and moan that his stomach hurt. Sometimes I would wake up sobbing into my husband's shoulder. I would say to him, " Daddy, you're gone now, it's okay. You're okay now, see the cancer is gone. ." Or I would feel angry because sometimes it wasn't my Daddy but something else. Sometimes I would cry out to God to deliver me from the dreams and let my dad rest. Let me rest. Later I realized that I was working through the grief of caring for him during his illness and not allowing myself to truly ackowledge that he was dying. I was ashamed that I had feelings of just wanting it to be over with. It was terrible to endure watching someone seperate from life, watching my dad dissolve. So painful and so beautiful. I think that people who don't believe in the supernatural can lose this essential part of the beauty of death. The elements of working it out in the spirit realm can bring so much healing. I don't know if this makes sense. But my aunt's were right, I listened to my dad and I was blessed.

Finally!

2006-01-13T13:06:00.000-08:00

Heh, I just figured out how to add links. It only took me 1 year.

The next steps

2006-01-12T09:59:00.000-08:00

I was at a discussion group yesterday for the Emergent Church ( West Michigan). One of the pastors involved shared that he was late because a church member had called to ask for ministry. They had to make the decision to take their father off life support. The father was a vital man in his 60s and 2 weeks ago had a brain aneurysm. He went from vital to vegetable. It was a heart wrenching story to hear. Earlier this week I had spoken with a friend of ours who had a similar experience with her aunt. The week before last my co-worker had to leave town because her dad had a heart attack and couldn't take care of himself, the hospital had sent him home after 3 days and he couldn't even feed himself. Loudbuzz has just written about his father in law and the harrowing experience last night. The feelings of his post were sorrowful and expectant and immenent. I see the next steps of carefully placing one foot before the other and walking that shadowy road of grief coming. Like trying to stand in Lake Michigan with the waves crashing into you and the water current surrounding your legs like great arms wanting to wrestle. My social worky side says to tell people, " Hey! You need to talk to your loved ones about what to do if something should happen. You need to have it in writing so they don't suffer more by having to figure out if you want to stay alive at all costs, if you prefer to donate your guts or get torched or put in a box. You owe it to them to have a plan and not be afraid to notice that anything is possible in life and death. Don't avoid this discussion, it gives them an opportunity for peace of mind! That is so precious! Talk about stuff like the cost of chemo or life support, have it written down so that everybody knows exactly what you meant to happen. Make the time to write down a will and directions for your arrangements take the time to think about your legacy-tell people you love them what you always meant to say and for God's sake DO IT already. "

I am reminded of the last year of my Dad's life. I remember the pain of chemo and watching his spirit dissolve before my eyes. I remember trying to bathe him and feed him and the long final hours of oblivion before he entered into peace. I remember the stress of selling his house and taking his things to Goodwill. Of not sleeping for what seemed like days, of fighting to stay with him and not allow him to enter death alone. Of giving him communion and annointing him with oil and burning incense on the sill of his room. Dancing around his bed and singing out in many tongues. I remember how scary it was to help him write his will. I remember how I ached the last time I combed his hair and the silence.

I still have his 2 suits, one which he wore to my wedding. They hung in my studio in a plastic bag. I just moved them to the attic. I still cry when I think about him. I cry in joy and loneliness and compassion, but today I am full. I am alive. I have times when I feel life struggling its way out of me to stain the things around me. To stain the air with its vitality.

Today I feel so alive and restless with life. I told Steve I would send him my life through the air. Soft breathy clouds of Life. The extra energy that I have I will send out and let it trail it's way to Lansing. I know it sounds wierd, but I feel it building up for times just like this and if I get to know you I can send it to you. I notice that people all around me need the extra I have. Maybe that is why I am here.Maybe that is why this last week I have been drawn into so many similar stories.

For a long time I was a creature of death. I didn't know I was nurturing death. But I was and I reaped a lot of sickness and illness and emptiness for it. I think I idolized it or something. This has changed for me, I am racing to God with everything I am that I was created to be. Aware that God made me alive. He keeps building me up too. ahhh this post could last for a long long time.

Pretty little secrets

2006-01-12T09:09:00.000-08:00

trouble can thump you on the head
if that's what you want
or you can be giddy and stand in the breeze
capture the dandelion
capture the mist from the sprinkler

stare at your face in the spoon
dream of an oyster or a caribou
all you can do is ride
keep your pretty little secrets inside

I love the phrase Pretty Little Secrets. I just do. right now I am languishing in the warm weather and the sunshine and the sound of birds outside. The air feels full. I like that.
I feel full. I am enjoying living.

closed for the wax people olympics

2006-01-09T13:28:00.000-08:00

Did you feel that if youlost they wouldmaybe turnaround and[k]no(w) tice that you neverbelongedneverwithdrewfromsomethingyoucouldn'tbevulnerableto?vulnerableBecauseyouarefearfearfullyandwonderfullymadeyouarelivingand (re)-livingand-present tothepointyourskinsingswithironyandcutenessandbrokenessandhope ofhealingness and desireandpassionandpulsationandsmell?

AND THEN:
She woke up to the dream of her sister climbing out the living-room window of the old farm house where they grew up. Her little brother was hiding in the grass trying to crawl away from the woman in the building that was not our house but a beer soaked memory of drowning in a childhood of fearandbedwettingandviolenceand scorn.

She woke up with a giggle trapped in her belly of the vision of the farmhand glaring at her brother riding a pushmower down the old Lake Rd. He was sweating in the heat and concerned for getting away and not knowingwheretolook for safety. Then the dream changed to more panic.

They found her/me/him/she hiding in the upstairs bathtub of a neighbors house; desperately holding our breath the three of us pretending to be asleep so as not to notice that the evil woman and her minions are standing over us looking on and preparing to hurt us from beyond the shower curtain. When the curtain was pulled away there was just one body in the bath tub and not three, but in her dream she felt the three of them nestled in acrylic fear.

She woke up not understanding why she would dream of things that did not happen and ache of things that did and wonder what was happening to her broken sister, her broken brother at that moment. Did they escape at all or were they still there strapped inside her, one body in the tub?

She woke up and was reminded how like wax people we are, like wax pilars that appear solid and smooth, yet easily disfigured by warm fingers and flames and sunshine, pilars so carefully strangled by the wound wick of our soul . Wicks ready to burst with the fury of going into light.

She woke up from her dream.

Uhhh I thot I was Mexican?

2006-01-07T05:50:00.000-08:00

You Are French Food

Snobby yet ubiquitous.
People act like they understand you more than they actually do.

What Kind of Food Are You?

Scorch

2006-01-07T05:27:00.000-08:00

Plastic seats can ruin the rippling effect of the water and the stones

you sigh
you soak in the cactus warmth and the sand heat
the sunflower seeds have salt
they coat your lips
tender veins of oro and plata search for your feet
chill the big veins in your heart
the chambers echo with blood-love
See plump red in your hands from the fruit
sweet waters dribble and stick
you got watermelon and you got seeds and your miles from the Sonic
from the Fina station
from the rumble of the engine
from the streets that changed their names
from the dust on the rock
where I sprinkled your remains...

Sweet Mysteries

2006-01-06T09:56:00.000-08:00

All I have to say is that I am grooving with the posts over at www.loudbuzz.blogspot.com . I have put away the church drama, we are praying about what to do. For sure I have no new insight about that. I am tired about it though so it has been nice to not go there for the last week. I am also going back to old favorites. The stuff that feeds my soul.
Like music. Ya'll have to listen to Ray LaMontagne http://www.raylamontagne.com and his CD. There is a smokyness to his voice and sorrowful pulsing lyrics. I am also into Coldplay, Ani Difranco, and Jack Johnson. And Somebody write some dang poems already!

Poemme 1#

Listening to Alice is like wandering...
thru Sushi fields
Her soft raw skin is flaked
Pink and startling and sharp
She looks to the Queen
Who takes her hand
limply lifts her limbs
the air particles around them on an upswing
She sighs
They walk

Horseradish and seeds and salty sweat rain
lush cucumber stalks and grassy smiles
looking at knees that appear to be clean and scrubbed
I took issue with her presentation

The clouds were too much for my eyes
too much to breathe the fishy dew
too much to taste

The Queen's laughter breaks the rainbow in her eyes
and poor Alice retreats back
retreats back
retreats
re-
treats.

THE LOST MEME

2006-01-05T09:35:00.000-08:00

A long time ago ( like in October) Capt Wow meme’d me first. I was too lazy to post it, but I did it. So har it ays.

Five Things I will do before I die:
1. Hopefully, have a baby by birth or adoption
2. Lose at least 50 more pounds
3. Learn to climb stuff like trees and mountains
4. Visit Europe or another grouping of countries not Canada or Mexico
5. Plant a church

Five Things I say most often: (honesty, right?)
1. Craptastic!
2. TIVO hog!
3. We’re out of cheeeeeese.
4. Honey can you take care of the animals today?
5. Dork!

Five Things I cannot do:
1. Burp silently
2. Behave myself
3. Not, not give my opinion
4. Reach the cupboard shelves without a stepladder
5. Keep from making stacks, piles, collections, staging centers

Five Things I can do:
1. Paint pretty pictures
2. Make quick and delicious meals from virtually nothing
3. Read a page in my book in 30 seconds or less
4. Run a Mackey Sound board & tell if you sound like crap in a microphone & fix it
5. Tell what water cress, wild carrot, and jack in the pulpit look like

Five Things that attract me to other people:
1. People that are genuine and sincere and honest and like truth
2. People that can laugh at themselves without being cruel to themselves
3. Strength and fearlessness and ingenuity
4. People who have character
5. People who thrust themselves into scary places whether emotional or physical they pursue the edges of a different box.

Five Celebrity Crushes:
1. Johnny Depp
2. Claire Danes
3. The big brother in Prison break * The one that is to be executed not the little brother with the tattoos
4. Harrison Ford
5. Colin Firth

Okay, now you do it! And somebody meme me again, cuz I am lazy and these are fun...

My brain resembles bloody mac & cheese!

2005-12-27T09:50:00.000-08:00

Your Brain's Pattern

Your mind is a firestorm - full of intensity and drama.

Your thoughts may seem scattered to you most of the time...

But they often seem strong and passionate to those around you.

You are a natural influencer. The thoughts you share are very powerful and persuading.

What Pattern Is Your Brain?

5 weird things I do...

2005-12-27T08:33:00.000-08:00

I was meme'd first by Capt Wow a long time ago and I never posted it. Cuz I am lazy... So then Steve memed me and well... I am a weirdo. How did he know?

WEIRD Habit 1. Ugh.... erghhh.... I burp. A lot. Friends can testify that I burp a lot. I don't burp quietly or hold it in ( per hubby's instructions) I just... BUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRP. I don't apologize for it. I think I picked it up in college, damn football players and their drinking games. Yeah.

FYI these habits are in no particular order...

WEIRD Habit 2. Food Quirks... I like to eat lemons and salt. I eat them at restaurants and at home. I think it's a Mexican thing or a Texas thing cuz I do it and Headless does it too. Maybe that isn't so weird. I also like lemon on my salty butter popcorn as well as eating popcorn with pickles. I loved to have Ruffles potato chips with cottage cheese. Or Ruffles with ice cream or Ruffles with chocolate. *Sadly I cannot partake in Ruffles feasts anymore due to the missing 90% of my stomach now. Prolly a good thing! *

I also have a weird obsession with Wendy's Chili. I make my hubby go get it for me when the mood strikes. It strikes a lot.. lol This is weird because my dad ( when he was dying) also had a weird obsession with Wendy's Chili I would often drive to Wendy's around 11:30 pm or midnight to pick some up for him. He refused to eat the homemade stuff that was healthier, etc. Alas I am victim to the Chili curse too. Oh, and I used to loathe beets, now I eat em out of the can. weird.

WEIRD Habit 3. Soap collection. A whole drawer dedicated to fancy soap or funny soap or sexy soap or some such other kind of unique soap that I have purchased for what ever reason from shops and farm markets and department stores or salons. I am now receiving soap as gifts from my husband.. thus the cowgirl soap I got for my birthday. Why is this weird? Being a former hippy ( damn hippies!) I used to go au natural for longer than I should. Hubbs thinks I have an aversion to the shower ( this is a running joke in our house since he is OCD about showers) . FYI... I don't. I'm just afraid to use all my pretty soaps and not be able to replace them.... Whaa??!!!

WEIRD Habit 4. Whenever I talk about or to my peeps ( i.e. anyone of latin or Mexican descent or my family in Texas) I slip into my slanglish accent. "Jes, I knows what Jew mean. Cuz for reals, I dint tink I coo sabe enuff vacaciones para Easter to bisit jew all. I will tr-eyee." I also swear at my husband in Spanglish and he doesn't know what hell I'm sayin, but he can guess... There are also times when I completely blank out on all known vocabulary ( to me) and I can't speak in Spanish or English or French or Japanese. The reverse also happens when I yell at my cat in JaSpenglish. Yeah. Weird.

WEIRD Habit 5. When I feel sick or not well or nauseous I must strip down and curl up in bed right away. I hate wearing clothes when I am sick. It could be a cold or tummy stuff or PMS - doesn't matter, must be nekkid and in bed. And don't bother me at all, just let me sleep. I also don't like to drink water from my nightstand unless it's bottled water. I have a fear that there will be cat hair or dust clumps or something in it if I use a glass. And Hubby must tuck me in. I get all weird about it if He's not there to tuck me in and make sure I'm breathing first before he leaves me alone. I also have to have the fan on. I needs it. Needs the air and the white noise. See I am a weirdo.

Thots I have

2005-12-22T06:26:00.000-08:00

Last night Seth & I stayed up and watched the life of Jesus from the Gospel of John on channel 21. We started watching around the time Jesus did his first miracle at the wedding. I'm not sure how we discovered this was on because we never watch channel 21, but I think Seth was channel surfing and it caught his attention. I am really glad it did because it was powerful. He hauled the bible out and we figured out it was the gospel of John ( which was confirmed at the end credits) and we learned more details (that we had forgotten) about Jesus. It was an exciting time for us as we read the bible and watched it on tv . I noticed that compared to Mel's The Passion, this seemed to capture the fullness of who Jesus is. The power and wonder of Jesus and naturalness of it had an impact of us that afterward kept us talking and excited about what we saw. This is the testimony of Christ and we took it for granted.

I asked Seth his thots about Jesus and the response Jesus would have as we struggle with our feelings about church and leaving Southside. It was encouraging for him to say that he had to think about it as I would. One thing I came away with is that I need to give and recieve forgiveness. Sounds simple? riiiighhhht. Actually, it is simple. I get to choose forgiveness and stand in the identity that God has given me.

What is difficult is the standing in the identity thing. I can refuse who I am and choose to stay angry and hurt over the wrongs I have experienced. I can choose to keep people I say I love under a mantel of foolishness. Or I can be ok with thier foolishness and love them and encourage them that I am foolish too and allow them room to stay or move out of that foolishness. Yikes that sounds arrogant. I hope you get what I am trying to say.

I was thinking about when Peter refused to admit that he knew Jesus three times and then the rooster crowed. And later after the resurrection and the fishing and stuff, Jesus was sitting with him on the beach eating the fish they had just caught. This was one of the last times Jesus appeared in front of the disciples. He asked Peter, " DO you love me?" three times. The power of forgiveness was tangible on Peter's face. I cried big fat tears as I watched this scene. Peter knows with everything that he is what Jesus is doing. Peter says, " Yes Lord, I love you. " By the third time, Peter says, " You know everything about me, You know I love you." Jesus transformed Peter in that moment. The power of love. The power of forgiveness. I think that we are a lot like Peter. We are incrediblly foolish like he was when he didn't understand and tried to keep Jesus from dying and we are capable of holy insight, like when he knew that Jesus was the messiah without being told and we are forgiven, like Peter who knows he loves Jesus. Jesus called him to "Take care of his lambs... his sheep" after each proclamation of love . We are called to do the same.

Hmmm. . Thots.

God grant me the serenity

2005-12-20T08:51:00.000-08:00

I was reading a response from Steve ( see comments under the I Am Wrong post) and I have just replied about how my Doc and I prayed the Serenity prayer today for my 3 month follow up. I've gotten to thinking about the last time I underwent a radical change that effected me spiritually and physically.

I was in college, when I decided that the thing I really wanted most was to get sober. I had a healthy, compulsive drinking problem and I had thought I conquered it. I was lying to myself and to everyone during my senior year at college. My testimony...bragging about how Jesus had helped me get sober and that I didn't need a 12 step or to go into treatment, etc. It was crap. When I graduated I went into a 3 month ministry education program and I had angst with a guy in my "class" who had a similar testimony, but he went to AA. By the end of the summer program, we became reluctant friends. He stayed to finish one more year at college and I went into seminary with dreams of being a street evangelist, jesus hippy or some such nonsense.

You would be surprised that you can be an alcoholic and in seminary. Also at how much drinking and smoking happens in places like that. Yes, I smoked too. I loved cigars and I loved my Camel lights. Anyway, it was stressful. Being in seminary in a time when women were just starting to be trendy, but not quite. I had a lot of promise because I was zealous for Jesus and I had boobs plus a uterus. This made for interesting relationships with the guy students and the old geezer professors. Maybe this is why I have a problem with Pastors now. Maybe there are repressed hostile feelings I am not aware of. ***Off track.... ***
So 3 months into my seminary debacle, I couldn't ignore that I was waking up hung over alot. And I was in a screwy relationship with a fellow student and he was in a screwy relationship with 2 other chics and I noticed that reality didn't look so good from the carpet nor from the toilet bowl. So one early morning, around 2 am I got the drunken idea that I needed Zac. Zac is the guy who really was sober and He had it together and he was my friend even though I didn't want him to be. I knew he knew my secret and he knew I was a liar.

Calling Zac was scary.
I needed help. He came over and watched me dump my bottles. He took me to breakfast ( coffee and toast) and sat with me and listened as I cried and recounted that my skin hurt, my hair hurt, my heart hurt and I felt like I was killing myself one skin cell at a time and that my bones felt like jelly. He listened as I told him I found my car keys on the floor next to me and I was terrified of hurting someone or killing them during one of my drunken fugues.
He looked at me and just smiled and then he asked if I would pray with him. He prayed with me the Serenity Prayer.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and the courage to change the things I can. Amen.

Retard that I am... I was like "Wow! That prayer is powerful. Where did you get that? In the bible? " He told me for the 100th time. "You need AA." "You need the steps and you need people around you who understand that you have a serious problem. I know a safe group you can go to and they will show the ropes in a way that I can't."
He couldn't be my sponsor because 1) He's a guy and closely related to any chemical addiction is uh... other stuff like co dependant behavior stuff. 2) He is a guy. 3) I am a girl. 4) I got issues.

So I went to my first meeting and declared myself an alcoholic and kept going for 3 years. During that time, I got asked to leave seminary and I did and I also got some healing and some keen insight about my bad self. I went to a counselor and I worked the steps as much as I could stand and then some more when I couldn't. It was very tiring. I was exhausted. All the time I had spent thinking I could avoid the pain by getting bombed was really a pain-tsunami following me from one end of the earth to the other. I had to deal with it. I had to really look and examine myself and I had to let go. But what I remember the most was that prayer. That prayer was my lifeline to Jesus. That prayer kept me faithful to notice that I am incomplete and that I have powerful choices to make throughout my life. That prayer kept hope alive for me that with God, serenity is possible.

You see most people don't pay attention to serenity. You could call it Sabbath or meditation or inner peace. You could call it compassion for self/others or holy calmness. I think that serenity is the abandonment of our agenda for God's. We don't talk about serenity enough, I had forgotten about how precious to me serenity is. When my Doctor repeated with me that prayer, I realized that serenity can be restored to me. That on my journey to choosing life that I am with God and for God. And he is for me. And Serenity is not limited to former alcoholics, just for AA members or to Seinfeld fans "Serenity NOW!" My Doctor is not a AA person nor a former alcoholic nor a Seinfeld fan, but she is a follower of Christ. She understand that the Serenity prayer is greater than just a 12 step, that it's a prayer that calls for us to stand in God's agenda and not our own. It is a prayer that calls us to embrace humility and allow God to sustain us - he is the one that gives us strength to accept what we can't change and he encourages us to make the changes we can. Wow. So here I am and I am learning once again to accept and to change, most of all I am learning to trust God like I did when I chose sobriety and when I chose Gastric by-pass surgery and now with his church... See, Steve you are so not crazy and you know me better than you think.

snif

2005-12-17T06:17:00.000-08:00

You are

What Rejected Crayon Are You?

Rage Against the Machine

2005-12-16T12:58:00.000-08:00

From Scott over at Club365.net
the machine
i love the tony campolo story about conformity. he starts by pointing out how important we like our children to feel. imagine them at their first day of kindergarten. the principle comes to the microphone and reassures the parents, "here at hippity hop elementary school we take seriously the trust of your children. we like to think of each child like a little flower that needs to be watered and nurtured until it can blossom. so the kid grows up thinking he's a little flower. and everyone treats him special.but the day comes when he has to get his first job. i'm pretty sure the foreman doesn't get up and say, "here at Landmark Lumber Mill we like to think of each employee as a little flower..." no way! the name of the game is conformity. about fitting in. about not making waves.i was on the phone with my good bud jordon couple days ago and we were discussing several aspects of faith and faith communities. we agreed that institutions, by their very nature, are seriously flawed. they are designed for one thing - the institution. whether they be denominations, churches or businesses, the institution is forced to protect itself and promote it's vision at all cost. we train people to defray their dreams to promote institutional growth. they have bills to pay, statements of faith or conduct to adhere to, statutes to promote. sometimes individuals have to be sacrificed for the greater good. and sometimes the institution is hypocritical.perhaps that is why so many are turning to house churches and smaller communities of faith. perhaps that is part of the reason that institutions, particularily religious institutions have undergone such scrutiny. i have been a part of an institution, a denomination, most of my life and have seen firsthand the difficulty they face when dealing with individuals. for the most part the denom that i was hooked up tried to do the best they could for employees and adherents. but like all institutions they are forced to solidify their own agendas. to not do so would require catastophic change and a huge loss of income.jesus never came to establish an institution. the problem has been that it is nearly impossible to deal with the day to day dynamics of administration and growth without one. and unfortunately, somewhere along the way, most institutions lost sight of their primary purposes. they were forced to wage battles and finances in areas that go counter to their stated goals.the point of frustration for many of us is the incessant need that institutions have to 'cover their ass'. though people of all pursuations are coming to the stark realization that humility and vulnerability are desirable traits, so many institutions i know of are determined to win at all cost. they simply cannot come out looking bad. for some reason they believe that vulnerability and honesty equals defeat. if they admit they are fallible they believe they will lose their adherents. they will make outrageous demands, even immoral ones, of their leaders and force them to prostitute themselves in order to serve the bottom line. it is not wonder that so many pastors and leaders in organizations eventually bail. they just cannot live with the bottom line any longer. they see their simple dreams squashed by the institutional machine. they watch their friends sacrificed on the alter of conformity. they become afraid to state their opinions, to disagree. they're tired of selling out.

I wish Scott would write more about this : What happens when you challenge the institution? You can get killed. Slaughtered. Destroyed. Assaulted. Demoralized. How do the people you love live by the tenants of the institution? Do they drink the Kool Aid and become borgs of the institution and will defend it at all costs?

In the same way you ( I) fight for your (my) life to break free from the institution at all costs? When do you become dangerous and divisive to the people trapped in the institution? How do we handle it each other? Beating each other up, biting, clawing, and stabbing Over and Over again. You for your cause, me for mine. There is nothing left but a bloody pile of flesh and no soul. Where is Jesus in this? Jesus is hanging on the cross for this? Watching his kingdom eat itself unto death? Maybe the answer is to stop fighting it. Let yourself get killed. Regardless. Don't fight them or it. Just let yourself die. Trust in Jesus that you will experience resurrection and curl up into a ball until you are good and dead. A dried husk is better than a bloody flesh pile. Back to dust we go, there... all better.

How I live my life?

2005-12-16T11:29:00.000-08:00

How You Life Your Life

You are honest and direct. You tell it like it is.

You tend to avoid confrontation and stay away from sticky situations.

Your friends tend to be a as quirky as you are - which is saying a lot!

You have one big dream in your life, and you never lose sight of it.

How Do You Live Your Life?

Maybe this is why I get myself into so much trouble. I like the picture a lot.

I Am Wrong

2005-12-16T07:09:00.000-08:00

I just want to say I'm sorry. Sorry for this blog. Sorry for the attitude I have had that if you don't get "it" that you probably drank the Kool Aid and I have nothing to say to you.

CHCHCHCCHanges

2005-12-13T11:17:00.000-08:00

Yeah. Not much to blog about other than the same ol same ol'. We have stepped down from running the Wednesday night group. I am sad about that because in some ways I felt like that group was growing more. Our Monday night group has been discouraging for different reasons. Mostly just problems with our vision and my mouth. I have conflict with one person in particular and well... I don't handle myself very well around them. I let myself get angry and say stuff that will really stick em. Ick. And I want to plant a church? Scary...
More personal conflict with people and more thoughts about leaving the church.

On a wierd note, we spoke with Pastor about the possibility of us leaving. We talked about our desire to plant a house church. To break free from the system. let go of doing the building thing, and involve women in leadership/pastorship, etc. He said for us to talk with Beerhorsts about it. He said we sounded a lot like Rick. I smiled when I heard that cuz we have been sort of talking already, at least through this blog. (Hey! out there in Brooklyn to Rick and Brenda and family!)
He mentioned that we should attend the Emergent West Michigan meetings. I was like... well I dunno...

Here are some thoughts about why I dunno if I want to go to those meetings. I look on the websight and I see alot of men pastors. They meet at 10:30am downtown. I think about the fact that I have a job and that these are pastors and that most pastors do alot of talking. I think about meeting downtown in a parking hell and it's winter. There are a lot of men pastors. I appreciate that these guys and that they are asking questions and reading the books and being all emergent an everything. I appreciate that they are trying to think outside the box and be outside the box.

(sort of tongue in cheek)
Why I am not really emergent... I am not a single white male hipster-pastor/musician. I have no tattoos or body ornamentation that goes beyond me wearing earrings. I don't dress cool. I don't own an ipod. I have no interest in "sainting up" Bono or his sermons from U2. I have no interest in using the movie, The Matrix, as a preaching tool. I don't own Velvet Elvis and could care less about attending Mars Hill. I don't think Rob Bell is all that, either. I have not read all of Brian McClaren's stuff to form my thinking, only one book in fact, and I wasn't blown away by it nor did I really agree with him either. SOooooo. I also struggle with the lingo, etc.

Now what I have posted in the past about emergent. That I can tango with, just not this other stuff. I am not into marketing or packaging or whatever. I will not go and buy stuff at Purple East to prove to youth that I have all the answers. I will not take up snow boarding or video games in order to be relevant. I will take up reading more of the bible and talking about what I read. I am not reacting to the evangelical church or whatever church, I am reacting to the "doing" of church as opposed to the "being" of church. I like my pastor, but he is not GOD to me. I like my church family, but I don't worship them. Nor do I think they are the most important thing to me or my spiritual growth. I want to be authentic and real and honest and more like Jesus and less like Church, Inc. I also don't like the taste of Guinness, but I do like the taste of Ice Tea. I enjoy a game of Settlers of Catan, but I can deal if I don't play it for a week or two. I have no need for an Ipod, but I am very glad for TIVO.

Uhm... that's about it. I feel like if I talk much more that it'll be negative crap and I am not in the mood to rant.

Waking Up ,,, Part 2

2005-12-05T10:15:00.000-08:00

So I am reading the blogs that I usually do. My idea of fun reading; if you are into the Emergent/ing church movement or whatever. Having discovered that I am emerging or waking or whatever you want to call it, I have found much encouragement and permission to converse with these people. One such guy is Alan Creech. Here is something that I found on his blog just yesterday. Spooky how God is using Blogging in my life to minister. PS. Alan can be found at AlanCreech.com.

It is now the hour for you to wake from sleep, for our salvation is closer than when we first accepted the faith. The night is far spent; the day draws near.
Romans 13:11b-12a > from Morning Prayer, 2nd Sunday in Advent

I don't really take that in some apocalyptic sense, but rather in the sense of right now - What are you going to do with yourself? If you're going to get serious about this thing, what does that mean for you? Is it a nonchalant matter? What is important, how is that to be done, and what do you have time for?We'd better be answering those questions for ourselves. And we'd better be acting on the answers we come up with. "For ourselves" will cause problems with some - of course, I mean, finding the answers. You know, too, that the answers I find may not be the same as the ones you find. I'm not obligated to live according to the answers you find, nor you to the ones I find. I'm just saying it's time to wake from sleep and stop fumbling around waiting for things to happen. It's time to cast off fear and move into the badlands if you see them before you.I know McLaren said "life is long" and I believe that, and I am not "old" by any stretch of thought, but my life is not as long as some others at this point. That being said, I don't have time to play games. I'm not talking about being anxious and hand-wringingly worried about getting this or that done in a certain time. That kind of harried life is not what I'm pointing to for myself or anyone else. But we can lean too heavily, I think, on the notion that we are part of the Communion of Saints through the ages so it doesn't matter so much what we do because it's not all up to us. I've advocated this position and I still do, within wise reason. If we, though, go too far with it, we sit still and put up with too much nonsense.This may sound odd and like it really doesn't fit here but - it makes me very unhappy to sit and settle. It causes my dopamine levels to fall off the charts. The farther I go along in this life, this thing, being a member of His Body here and now, the less and less I am tolerant of messing around and playing games that only hinder the spread of the Life I've said yes to. I'd say right now that "I'm not doing it any more!" but I know better. I'll not lay down any such hard line statements. I will say this, I feel as if I've stepped over a stream into a new valley in this journey, or perhaps it's a new mountain pass I'm starring in the face (more like that) and so I'm getting the idea about what can make it through this thing with me. I can't carry with me through there what I presently have on my back and in my hands. Something has to be layed down.

Prepare me, and us, Lord, in this season of Advent, for His coming in us, in the Church and in the world, in the ways that He is coming. Give us wisdom and strength. Replace fear with love and trust. Amen.

So, Thank you Alan Creech for so succinctly putting into words those thoughts that have been
forming this past weekend and for the last several weeks.

Waking Up ...

2005-12-05T09:44:00.000-08:00

Short notes:
I've been taking a mini- hiatus from the posting on the blog thing. So I am back now from my brief vacay. I have been pondering my feelings about church and my/our purpose in the church and whatnot. So... I have recently written two drafts of a letter I want to share with Pastor. I have given a small few of ya'll copies to read for editing and for clarity and for attitude. The letter is a way for us ( Seth and I and a few others?) to clarify what it is that is bothering us about our current expression of church. Those of you reading the past few posts have noticed the theme here. And it is amazing how receptive some of you are! I always expect to be rejected about the ideas and opinions I have. It just feels naughty to be questioning authority and leadership and structural church junk. Having been told how rebellious I am all my life, it's funny to see that God can use my natural rebellious ability- how we have yet to find out.

On waking up...
This past Sunday I went up for prayer after the service. I went to a couple who were former Pastors in South Africa. I spilled my guts like I'd been freshly caught by a Gorton's Fisherman!
There were several things that these pastors said to me that felt like the Holy Spirit. One was that I had been awakened to something bigger than our church. Another was that our church was stuck in "idolatry" ( my words- but they agreed with me) We have lost our first love and if we didn't turn back we would have our lampstand removed ( Revelation 2). They said that part of the problem of being awakened was the people who were still asleep. How does one function in that? They encouraged me to pursue speaking with Pastor and to be very careful about influencing others to leave the church. I shared this with Seth and we felt encouraged. But, as we talked we realized that it seems impossible to stay in our church the way it is now and that even if things changed- we still wouldn't be in a place where we could make it work. The main reason being that we both feel strongly about taking church out of the building. The concept of House churches appeals to us in powerful ways. What to do? I don't know- Just praying for more of God's revelation.

Why is theology Important?

2005-11-28T10:38:00.000-08:00

"Theologians do not merely amplify, refine, defend, and deliver to the next generation a timeless fixed orthodoxy. Rather, by speaking from within the community of faith, they seek to describe the act of faith, the God toward whom faith is directed, and the implications of our faith commitment in, for, and to a specific historical and cultural context.The fundamental Christian faith commitment to the God revealed in Jesus is unchanging, of course. But the world into which we bring this confession is in flux. As a result, theologians function in a mediatorial manner."
-Stanley J. Grenz Theology for the Community of God

“Every Christian is a theologian. Whether consciously or unconsciously, each person of faith embraces a belief system. And each believer, whether in a deliberate manner or merely implicitly, reflects on the content of these beliefs and their significance for Christian life."
-Stanley J. Grenz Theology for the Community of God

Yeah! What He wrote!

Holy Frustration

2005-11-28T10:33:00.000-08:00

This is from House 2 House. A websight for home church planters. I am thinking hard about this. DOn't know what else to do.

By Floyd McClung
After several years of deepening frustration with how I was doing church, I went to a spiritual father to ask for some counsel. I told him I wanted to do church differently, maybe even to plant a church, but the organization I worked with would not allow me to. He laughed and told me God had given me a “holy frustration” to get me ready for change.

It was 1980, and I was leading a street ministry reaching dropouts and runaways in Amsterdam. That “holy frustration” with the way we were doing church caused me to question everything that was branded church.
I was taught we should not start new churches, and so we sent our converts to local churches. We were putting our spiritual sons and daughters up for adoption without their consent. The institutional churches didn’t know what to do with them, and the kids didn’t want to join the institutional churches anyway. We lost many of them.
Through my experience of “holy frustration” with the church, I was led to ask two simple questions, perhaps the most important questions I have ever asked God: “What is church?” and “What is Your purpose for the church?”

These are questions I am asking myself. What do you think?

Being Joseph.

2005-11-23T06:30:00.000-08:00

I just remembered that I am feeling peaceful and loved today not just because of my "visitor" but I remembered that I dreamt about my dad last night. Me and my dad. I was visiting him and we were making plans for dinner. I was so glad to be home with him. Our house was so comfy and well lit! And totally not any house I have ever lived in. ( You go dream!) I remember that it was just a happy feeling for me to be getting ready to go out with my dad! The rest is fuzzy, but I think the part that counts is that I "saw" him and I haven't forgotten his voice or his face. Interesting to me how the powerful memory of my earthly father resonates in me my longing for my heavenly father.

What theologian are You?

2005-11-23T06:09:00.000-08:00

Len Hjalmarson over at resonate: soapbox wrote this yesterday morning. I liked it because I took the quizfarm what theologian are you test and I came out as Anshelm. I am also a blend of Barth, Calvin and a dash of Luther. heh. Who knew? I am also Evangelical Holyness Wesleyan. Wha? Anyway Good ole Len captured my Anselmian qualities quite nicely along with some other stuff that wierdly connects. Remember when I wrote," I am becoming..." ?

credo
Kierkegaard described his task as "becoming" a christian rather than "being" one. Becoming a Christian requires intense faith and spiritual discipline. It has little to do with intellectual conviction and even less with outward evidence of moral purity or perfection. Becoming a Christian is not climbing a ladder of spiritual, let alone material, success. It all comes down to submitting oneself constantly to God through confession of our failtures and presumptions in taking what Kierkegaard himself referred to as the "leap of faith."* * *Anselm said "credo ut intelligam." I believe in order to understand.Bernard of Clairvaux responded, "credo ut experiar." I believe in order to experience (or to know experientially and relationally).I love both these credos. Together they feel to me like a radical middle, and I'd like to live into both places.Many years before these Tertullian wrote, "credo quia absurdum." I believe because it is absurd. Kierkegaard picked up on this sentiment in his parables. In view of the paradox of God becoming incarnate, there is no way that the truth of Christianity can be reconciled with anything else in our experience. Reason will not carry us to faith, much less to the paradox of the Cross. Yeah! What he said!

Mostly Prophetic...and also pathetic

2005-11-23T05:17:00.000-08:00

*Men can read at your own risk... *

Heh. Remember when I posted that due to Weight Loss Surgery I have an insane amount of horomones being released as I "lose" the fat? Yeah, insane being closely prophetic... I stated in my last post that I thought I was pregnant. I was being ironic. Hinting toward a "spiritual" pregnancy. Ohh I am soooooo spiritual! Yeah right.

NO I am NOT pregnant. BUT, I did get a visit from Aunt Flo. You ladies out there will gather the humor behind this ( maybe). You see I just don't get visits from Aunt Flo... Since High school those visits slowly grew farther apart until they pretty much only happened once a year. I was told by several docs that I was probably infertile, they poked and prodded and put me on the pill to "simulate" visits. During all this I gained more and more weight. I stopped the pill cause who was I kidding, I wasn't getting any and I couldn't really afford it anyway. Nothing happened. Of course, I am married now! ;)

In the back of my mind I have always wondered if I could have children. Recently I have been afraid of the "what- if" syndrome from WLS. They say that people who have WLS get very fertile especially during the first 6months when you experience the bulk of weightloss.
They recommend strong birth control measures because it has been known to happen. People fresh from surgery get preggers in the first 3 months. This is not good for the bod, folks. But I understand now how it can happen. You're just so darn horomonal! Me, I have been having "headaches" because I just don't know what to do. Nervous about birth control and gaining weight (even with WLS) I am avoiding most things romantical. Poor Hubbs! It helps that I have reasonable excuses, but the truth is: I really want to believe I can get pregnant. But I am,OMG, nervous to do the deed just in case.... understand?

Then it happened. 2 weeks post surgery I get my visit. I read that this is normal. I felt like 15 years of visits all crashed in on each other in 1 week. It was Hell, but I was giddy. Could it be?!

Now for the last month I have been wondering and wondering. This morning the cats saved me from a heinous discovery. They woke me up to play and feed them and I went to the bathroom and voila! My visit! 2 visits in 2 months!!! 2 visits in 1 year!

If this happens next month I am definitely biting the bullet and going to the gyno for some serious BC. Ya know why??? Besides of the obvious....( no more headaches) and according to my mom, I am most likely to be the one who gets preggars with twins. YES! TWINS! So... here's to my genes, my jeans, and aunt flo. May she visit me for Christmas! Thank you Jesus! for making this surgery possible for me and making it possible to get visits and for the promise of not one, but maybe two little lives in the future (after I'm healed and stuff). All the lo-down with church is so not important today!

I'm looking for a fight! Only I'm cross eyed and drunk

2005-11-22T13:39:00.000-08:00

Uhm. I have found some more thoughts. This sucks. Sucks . Sunckssnucks. Trying to cling to faith here, I am terrified about having this conversation with Pastor. I don't see a way out of it. Seth says not to carry so much, that it doesn't have to happen NOW. But I feel it filling the marrow in my bones. Coupled with waves of grief from missing Dad I am dangerously headed for a meltdown . Please pray for us and this house of cards. Here is more stuff drom Dying Church... Darryl Dash posts the following:

In Barna's new book :Revolution, Barna describes a group of people that are faithfully serving God, often outside of a church structure. "They are not willing to play religious games and aren't interested in being part of a religious community that is not intentionally and aggressively advancing God's Kingdom," he writes. Listen to what happened as Barna told a pastor friend about this group over lunch:
The reaction could not have been more cordial - or confrontational. Our scheduled ninety-minute luncheon turned into a three-and-a-half hour marathon in which I spent the last two hours on the receiving end of a lecture decrying the scriptural justification of the Revolution. Harry's closing volley summed up his position.
"So you see, God has no Plan B. The local church is God's Plan A, His chosen vehicle, and He does not need any other plan. Anything outside of that means is simply indefensible from a biblical standpoint. Never second-guess God, my friend. Follow Him and accept His paths. No church has ever been perfect, but that's no reason to abandon it. Remaking the Church into the form you desire, rather than the form God ordained, is simply not legitimate. Let God be God. Help the local church become more effective, but don't ever, ever take any steps to replace it."
If Barna is right, and I think he is, we are seeing a rise of large group of people who are committed to follow Christ, but are largely abandoning the institutional structures of church. This is obviously threatening to a lot of people, like this pastor. How should we react?

By the way, it's not just church attenders who are doing this. It's pastors too. They are "quitting the ice cream store" and many others are wondering if it's time.
I'll reflect more on this in coming days, but for now I'll say this: We need to be careful how we define church.

Here is a list of what some people are quitting:
Church buildings
Sitting in rows
Worship as an event led from up front
Preaching as lectures
Programmatic expressions of church
Professional clergy
Internally focused budgets

Whatever you think of these - and not all of them are bad - these are not the church. In other words, it's possible to give all of these up and still be every bit as faithful a follower of Jesus Christ.
In fact, I'll go further: none of these describe the church that existed in the book of Acts.
So when we talk about quitting the ice cream store, from my parable, I think we need to say two things. First, not everyone has to do so. But second, for those that do, we need to understand that they may be quitting something familiar and even desirable to ourselves - but they are not quitting on God, just on one expression of church.
Posted by Darryl at October 20, 2005 08:34 AM

I am amazed that this person can articulate the very things that I am pondering, that Seth & I are longing for. I will probably post the ice cream store parable later since I'm too lazy to figure out links. Honestly, I must be pregnant or something because my level of intensity is skyhigh and I am teetering between panic and joy and mental illness.

When is it time to say, " Goodbye"? or just get the Hell out.

2005-11-22T07:54:00.000-08:00

This weekend has slipped beyond my grasp and now it's Monday. I am emotionally shut down. Seth & I have had more and more discussions about what is happening in our fellowship and the failing "organization" of Southside. Our spirits are clogged with the percieved(?) futility of it all. We are getting emotionally ready to just leave.

Last week I had a convo with Headless and I said that I felt that we could not just leave because as housegroup leaders and kinship leaders we have a duty to be honorable and to care for the people we committed to care for. Also we have relationship with these people, they are family to us. We don't get to just EXIT.

BUT, I WANT TO RUN SCREAMING! how very un-Jesus of me...

The crux is we feel betrayed by some of our family our pastor our leadership or lack thereof. We must be like Jesus , but what do we do? How do we behave? We cower instead. Avoiding Wednesday night group, avoiding Sunday service, avoiding Monday night group. It is so painful to be there and to be encouraging, especially when there is some fruit. People are sharing their testimonies, they talk about how much they like Southside. I feel just feel sick. We love Southside! We love it so much we want Southside to die. I know I don't make sense. I am sick of the machine of church. Sick in my spirit of church administration and Spiritual formation and this desperate idea that we should be saving the sinking ship. I am sick of programs and "the way things are" and church marketing. Things seemed to have evolved in to a maelstrom of flight or fight. I am so sorry to all of you that we have toxified with this burden. Is it arrongance to say it's our burden and not yours? I just don't know.

If we leave there is no-where to go.
Seth says that this was his first church. He doesn't know if he wants to endure this again. I am almost there with him. My heart is shredded. My mind feels diseased. I am a drama monger. I am cheese. I am shutting down....

Being Prophetic

2005-11-20T04:49:00.000-08:00

More on my search for truth. Here is something that brought tears to my eyes. This is taken from Steve Addison's Blog. ( Ya'll don't know him! )

Almost twenty years ago Howard Snyder wrote Foresight: Ten Major Trends Facing the Church. It’s uncanny how close he came to predicting future reality.
Here’s a list of the trends he predicted:
1. From regional churches to world Church.
2. From scattered growth to broad revival.
3. From Communist China to Christian China.
4. From institutional tradition to kingdom theology.
5. From clergy/laity to community of ministers.
6. From male leadership to male-female partnership.
7. From secularization to religious relativism.
8. From nuclear family to family diversity.
9. From church/state separation to Christian political activism.
10. From safe planet to threatened planet.

What are people’s thoughts on how the list could be updated?

Yeah, what are your thoughts People? I am also reading a 3 part series on Authority. ( Not from Steve Addison's blog, but someone else) I am really struggling with breaking out of the box here. When I find gold like this I feel hope that I am not insane. St. D if you are out there. Thank you for your comment on my Pastor's post. I am right there with you. I think today more than ever I would consider going back to WTS if only to have a chat with George Hunsberger and Tim Brown.

EXODUS

2005-11-18T22:09:00.000-08:00

I have a point to make about people that leave the church. I don't know what it is except we have to be better at sending people instead of excommunicating people. I think that we call ourselves family. But we expect that people in our church family stay with us till death do us part. Yikes! Most kids grow up and move out and learn to be on their own. Isn't that like the church?

I don't expect an episode of Cosby where Pastor-Dad gives us play money and play Bible and shows us how the big bad world has hidden costs. The thing is, people that leave know what the cost is. They are walking the cost out in their decision. ( well maybe not everyone, but you get my point). People don't leave family behind lightly, usually there is months of deliberation and a steady slow down of the mental gears during "Sunday service" and then a total disconnection that happens. It hurts to leave, even when your a kid trying to be grown up, it hurts to embrace that change. To sink or swim. I'm not saying that people who leave are immature or not grown up. Sometimes you are so grown up or afraid you aren't allowed to grow up... That the church becomes toxic. One can be in real danger of just disengaging from Jesus all together. I know it almost happened to me.

My first home church was Lakeshore Vineyard. man I loved that church! I loved the Pastor, the people, the worship, the way I was adopted in and taught so much about Jesus my heart was heavy with adoration for that family. But I reached a point where I wanted to use all the skills I'd been equipped with there. I needed room to test out if that stuff really worked outside of the safety of Lakeshore and my "Parents". I found a place that I felt called to. It took a year and then I left Lakeshore. It was ugly. I came to Southside Vineyard and they got accused of sheep stealing. Me? a sheep. YeeshQ I mean, Baaa! Baaa! I was flattered and annoyed. I mean, I was ready to fly and eager to explore the world, why couldn't I be allowed to move on? Eventually they got over it and I still love them very much. But more like They are a favorite uncle or aunt that I rarely get to see.

I came to Southside.
First off, Southside was this burgeoning place of artists, musicians, ethnicities and more. I learned a whole new side to my faith and a whole new city. I learned about what it meant to be an Artist. This was a big deal for me because in my past I was afraid of my inner Piccaso; mostly due to some crazy notion that I needed enebriation or drugs or copious amounts of narcissism and emotional chaos to be creative. I also had probs with being latina and being raised essentially white/anglo/cracker. K, I was/am a mess. Anywho- Southside was all about doing the stuff. I liked that alot about it. We were a "missional" community. There were alot of nutjobs ( me included) that visited our Eastown church. We handled it with aplomb, mostly, but not always. It seemed that we were in that stage of nomadic or tribal existance where we were pretty dependant on God for His provision. I liked that about us. It made me feel centered and humble. It made us outgoing and outward living.

We are not that anymore.
People have now left for less reasons than that, maybe. I have a lot of theories, and crazy ideas about why and how. I just know that something has to change. But what if it doesn't? What happens if all of us don't show up one day? Where is the real church? Where have all the cowboys gone? Now some dear friends of mine are leaving. They counceled me and Seth before we were married. They witnessed and laughed with us over our first raging fight ( over money of course!) and they are moving on. I am really happy for them. I want to be gladhearted because they are moving to a place they feel strengthened and encouraged. People need that. They really do! Heck I need that! I believe God is actively pursuing them and guiding them. So why ...why do we look at their choice as a negative? why do we close the doors and tell them, we are circling the wagons and if your not with us then don't come back? Being a church for the sake of the world means something so different when the world is about your own backyard.

What does subversive mean anywayz?

2005-11-18T07:36:00.000-08:00

I had a convo with Headless yesterday and I came to this wierd revelation that I am becoming....
emergent? POMO? I am not sure, but then I am not quick to find a label for my self. Sethmo agrees, the stuff I hhave been exploring rings true, but is scary as hell ( or heaven).

Whoever Gibbs/Bolger are ( I think the are emergent ppl or sumthing) This is what they say:

Emerging Churches are those:
1. who take the life of Jesus as a model way to live, and
2. who transform the secular realm,
3. as they live highly communal lives.Because of these three activities, emerging churches
4. welcome those who are outside,
5. share generously,
6. participate,
7. create,
8. lead without control, and
9. function together in spiritual activities.

Boiling it down to one sentence: Emerging Churches are communities who practice the way of Jesus within postmodern cultures.

Yeah what they wrote is very very close to what I am feeling.

And to really piss you off

2005-11-16T08:29:00.000-08:00

I question the position of Pastor. I know shoot me. But I am just sayin... I know that they can be great guys( and gals) but I have always had this nagging disconnection with them. The whole "I have to write a sermon every week thing, and I must speak every Sunday thing. I must lead worship thing, I pick the elders thing,I determine the government of this church thing, And I am the one who makes the all the final decisions for the church thing."

I am not bitter about it, I hope I don't sound bitter. I went to seminary too. I was in the Master of Divinity program, and I totally didn't get why we learned half the stuff they shoved down our throats. They didn't get me either. I am certainly not the first to get kicked out of seminary and I won't be the last. But still, it nags me. Sortof like the pope, the priest, and the whole shebang.

To prove that I am not insane here is a post from a former pastor ( Not Darryl Dash! Hoorah!)

SCOTT WILLIAMS : Scott ...Diagonally parked in a parallel universe

I was wrong part 6
Ministers love to brag about how overworked they are.

it has been difficult for me to start this blog inasmuch as, of all the confessions i have made in this series, this one hits the closest to home. i have been grossly negligent in this area.

for 20 years of ministry i have used this crutch to excuse all manner of laziness, poor scheduling, inadequate preparation and relational aloofness. and i'm not alone.everything is work time. including blogging. and coffee with friends. and shopping and driving and phone calls and reading and praying and talking and writing and visiting and planning and napping and thinking and answering emails and surfing the net and going to the bank and reading the paper.

many of you have full time jobs that you come home from in order to make it to the church on time for any number of reasons. i usually had a nice nap before the meeting because i would be putting in extra time.

on many levels it is an amazing life. you are your own boss. you can literally blow off weeks, even months, without anyone really knowing. all you need to do is be unavailable, look a little haggard and constantly whine about how busy you are and no one will know. trust me, i've tried it.

pastors love to point out how busy we are. we NEVER say that things are slack.
pastors realize that people don't think they work much and there is something ingrained in their psychie that must justify their existence.

it is frustrating to have people constantly make fun of you for working "one hour a week".it is not as though some pastors do not get their hours in. many work chaotic shifts and are barraged by demands and complaints for which there is no obvious solutions.

pastors complain that they are always working, which is an exaggeration, but even if that is true - they may be working but not always working hard.
and frankly, a ton of pastors i know are just lazy. there is said it. i could give you lots of names.my name would sometimes be on that list as well.

many pastors would react to reading this words. some are justified. others simply do not know or remember what it is like to have a real job. they live in a bubble of pseudo-activity and flexible scheduling. no one yells at them everyday at work. they don't have to drive 2 hours to get to the job site. they don't have to get up early, or pack a lunch, or listen to complaints all day. they can shut off their phone and not be fired. they don't get disciplined for being 10 minutes late to work. they can deduct their mortgage from their taxible income. they can write off any activity or expense. they are the only one paid to be at a funeral.

this is a very one-sided blog but i have, on many occasions, bemoaned the struggles of the pastor's life. it can be a very difficult vocation. very few people have, however, discussed the other side of the equation - the incredible perks, the lack of tangible accountability, the accolades, the tax breaks.and right now i'm not even getting paid to blog.

Okay I thought this was a great post, I am amused by it's truth and by it's honesty. When I say I don't get the position of Pastor this entry comes to mind. There are several others that have touched my heart and this guy is just amazing, but my point is; I am not judging the Pastor role ( maybe a teensy weensy bit) , but I just struggle with it. What do YOU think?

My journey throught the dying church part 3

2005-11-16T07:34:00.000-08:00

Cause I have sooo much to say.... snark! Just pat made a comment on my rant post: And now I am Chewsing part 2, she wrote:

Breathe! You forgot to breathe!!!I hear your heart, friend. You are a good leader, and you're becoming a better leader. This is a tough time. I do believe it's no accident that Rachel and JP are gone and you two are at the plate at this time. I'm praying for you, sweet friend.The scripture says, "Where sin abounded, grace abounded more." I read into that nugget that in Jesus, where judgement abounds, mercy can abound more. Your wounds now are the wounds of Jesus.

So I read that and it sparked this idea that I really need to think about all this stuff. So I am reading more stuff from Darryl Dash website as well as several others, (I am not turning into a DD groupie by any means!) and we have emailed a couple times cuz i have questions. This transformation thing , this defining my thoughts thing is all 100% me. I am like those spooky Sci Fi movies when the main character is infected by alien DNA. They stand in the dark room with a light beam shining over half their face and say, " I am BECOMING..." SO the following is this article. (ANd I will comment along cause it's my blog and I will not be silent!)

THE INTERNALLY DRIVEN LEADER
Robert Quinn describes three types of leadership in his book Deep Change. The first type of leadership is technical, focusing on personal survival and technical competence. The second type of leadership is transactional, still focusing on personal survival, but more responsive and interpersonal and political. Most leaders fall into these first two types of leadership.

This first paragraph captured my attention because it clearly reflects to me the struggle I am having since the big congregational meeting and the forming of the executive and spiritual formation councils. It also shows me that I am still steeped in these two ideologies. *sorrow*

He then describes a third type of leadership, which he calls transformational leadership. In this rare type of leadership, personal survival is not the issue. The core values and vision realization are far more important. This type of leadership is self-authorizing. Any person, regardless of position, can lead tremendous change, although they might not survive the process.

AAAHHH! Scary scary, I just wet myself! I am also longing for this type of leadership to be like this as a leader and to serve like this as a follower of Christ Jesus. Alas I feel spineless, lost and more; which is why I am glad Just Pat wrote about grace abounding and mercy abounding more.

Quinn writes:
The first assumption of the transformational paradigm is the most radical and the hardest to understand. This paradigm does not assume personal survival but instead vision realization at any cost. If the vision lives and thrives, it does not matter if the leader is fired, assassinated, or humiliated. The vision itself is far more important than personal survival.
breathe!
Jesus was a transformational leader. He also unleashed a group of other leaders who became transformational, who gave themselves to mission, even if it cost them their lives.
A technical or transactional leader will never lead a church to die to itself. It takes a transformational leader to do this. Unfortunately, transformational leaders are rare. But anyone can become one. Wha? Anyone? Even me? Even us? Holy Sh#*t! This is amazing and oh the terror. God give me some oxygen. Crapweasel! I really have got to stop swearing so much! Where does it come from? I noticed I am swearing alot lately...
The most important factor in creating a dying church (one that is dead to itself and its own survival) is always first dying to oneself. Yep, smack me dead. Squash me like a bug! I keep growing back!
This quote gives me hope. You don't need to hold a church office to lead a church to die to itself; this type of leadership is self-authorizing. Anyone can do it. The key seems to be a willingness to put mission ahead of personal survival. The person who does this can become a transformational leader. So I don't have to lead a rebellion against Pastor D? I don't have to be an elder? or a Worship leader or on a council? Or the perfect kinship leader or the perfect leader or ideal facilitator? Wheew!
Want to be a transformational leader who helps a church die to itself and live to Christ and his mission? It starts with dying to self. -Posted by Darryl Dash @ The Dying Church April 20, 2005

Yeah thanks alot I have to kill myself off. Thanks. Loads. Really.

My journey through the dying church part 2

2005-11-16T06:27:00.000-08:00

Maybe your wondering why am titling this "My journey through the dying church" ? About a month ago I sensed that our church is indeed dying. So far, 48 people or more have left. The back-up worship pastor stepped down, the associate pastor decides to pursue full time pastorship outside of our church ( translation: we can't afford to support him financially so he got to go), the full-time worship pastor has stepped down and we have to councils formed to help us pick up the pieces. So I'm thinking, " Surely we aren't the first church to experience this catastophic loss?" SO I do an internet search for "Dying Church". What I found was gold and silver and titanium. Platinum even. Here is what I read from Darryl Dash's website:

EVERY CHURCH IS DYING
It struck me this week that every church is a dying church in some sense:

Some churches are literally dying. They are slowly losing people and will likely shut down.
Some churches are glitzy and successful. They look vibrant and alive, but they're really only alive to themselves and their institution. They look alive, but they're dying and they don't know it.
Then there's the church that could be big or small, glitzy or drab, that dies to itself daily - that has taken up the cross and is more concerned with following Christ, no matter what it costs, than its survival.

All churches are dying. Only the third type of church will experience a resurrection.

A DYING CHURCH IS ONE IN WHICH
Its own growth and health is not as important as its willingness to follow Jesus wherever he goes, whatever it costs.
It is willing to turn its back on everything - its building, programs, staff, everything - in order to follow Jesus.
Institutional advancement is not as important as Kingdom advancement. The church is not concerned with its own institutional survival.
Pastors are not CEOs managing/leading people toward a goal, and plans/goals/numbers/budgets are not the main thing. Following Jesus has been the main thing. The pastor becomes somebody who helps set the pace in following Jesus, but is only a co-follower with the rest of the people.

WHY PEOPLE LEAVE THE CHURCH
I had no idea that 94% of church leavers were leaders within the church, rather than fringe attenders.

From the link:
Just founds some amazing stats from a study on people leaving the church.
· They were not leaving 'mainline' churches in decline. They were leaving growing evangelical, pentecostal, and charismatic churches.
· They were not leaving during 'adolescence'. They were leaving as adults, predominantly between thirty and forty-five years of age.
· They were not leaving after being involved for a short time. They were leaving after an average of 15.8 years of involvement.
· They were not leaving from the fringe, but from the very core. 94% were church leaders. P18 40% in full-time Christian study or work or both.

So my question to ya'll is, which type of church are we? I am scared of the answer revealed only because in my heart I feel like a faithless gal. Much like a doubting Thomas or worse. I think the questions and answers I am pursuing are scary, nay terrifying and filled with silver threads of hope that might strangle me. I know I am reaching for a prize, but I am super freaked out by the potentential.

My journey through the dying church part1

2005-11-16T05:43:00.000-08:00

So I recognise that I have been more than emotional lately with regard to the condition of our church family. I have been searching and searching for answers and asking God to pass the cup from me - dramatic wench that I am! ;) I am certainly not Jesus! But I want to at least try!
What I have discovered I will post here. Pretty much because I am trying to wrap my mind around what God is planting inside me.

Here is question that I read on a pastor's blog recently.

What should the role of the pastor be in this new culture in which we find ourselves? Or what characteristics or attributes should they have? What skills? What is important to you in terms of who leads your community of faith?

*Readers of my blog, WHAT DO YOU THINK? * Here is what I wrote:
My view on the role of pastor... I I think there should be more than just one lonely guy or gal up there. In fact, I don't think they should be up there at all. But out there- joining with us as a people who are called to be a missional community. When we are side by side, then we can be a serving, equiping, and ministering community together. I think that is biblical, but I am no theologian or anything. I also think that we put a lot of pressure on a pastor-figure to have it all together and look to them to be the measure of our spiritual growth instead of taking responsibility for our own personal relationship and growth with God. So I guess I probly don't think pastors should be a "position" but rather a group of facilitators.

I've been thinking about these questions more fully now. I realize that I completely ignored the attributes, characteristics, and skills part. I think I did that because I naturally assume that we would all try to be like Jesus. Doing what we see our Father doing and behaving like Jesus did, but more messy. There are afterall all kinds of hints in scripture as to how to behave right? The multiple lists of fruits of the spirit and countless examples of followers of God who experienced all kinds of deep and craptastically deep stuff.

Pastor Skilz... uh, some things on my list: be nice? Wear jeans, drink beer or wine or gin & tonics? Hang with the oukast gang onFriday night and eat tapas with us at the bar on Saturday? Bring a meal when we're sick and crack jokes about being a marginal or margerine christian? Challenge us to learn about the bible and theology? Spend time with old people, sick people, homeless people, criminals, prostitutes, recovery people, football people and NON-football people, mexicans, non-mexicans, republicans and democrats and the confused, etc. Make church about out there and not "in here". To say, "Let's ditch the building for several Sundays and go out in teams to Mcdonalds, Margies Donuts , or Studio 28 and make some friends!" "Screw the sermon! Let's tell our story to the couple in the parking lot at Diversions! Tini Bikinis, The Radio, Bite., Big Lots! Meijer, Lowes, Martha's etc... Let's be church on Saturday night and go boogie at The BOB and sleep in on Sunday and meet for a late lunch at Little Mexico or have a potluck at the building?"

So as you probly ( yes I know I am spelling it wrong) gathered, the stuff on my list isn't limited to just one person, but groups of people, families of people pastoring together. Crazy huh?

And now I am chewsing part 4

2005-11-14T14:30:00.000-08:00

uh yeah, my dad died 3 years ago on Thanksgiving. He had cancer. He had pancreatic cancer. I really miss my daddy. It sucks so much that I can't talk to him right now and that he's not here to see me finally getting healthy. That he won't be there for me when I start popping buns from my oven or when I finally maime Sookie before she's in all out heat. I am so mad that he's gone because he could make me laugh during times like this. Tonight I just want to cry and cry. I love you papa.

And now I am chewsing part 3

2005-11-14T14:24:00.000-08:00

Uhh, when Harry ran away and then came back we took him to the vet. He had an injured paw. To add to it, we had to wonder for 8 weeks if he got exposed to feline leukemia. And then to make it more worse, we have to wonder if Sookie got exposed to feline leukemia as well. Floyd is a dog so I guess we don't get to worry about him.

Sookie is rapidly approaching her first "Heat" , she is terrorizing the house breaking stuff and being so frickin adorable it is hard to remember to stay mad at her or even maime her into trying to behave. Unfortunately her 8 weeks isn't quite up and the vet says she caint get spayed until that time so that we can kill two birds etc. So I wait and wonder and get annoyed. I am convinced that Sookie and Harry are fine that indeed they have not been exposed to the dreaded FA. But it would destroy me if I was wrong. Damn FA.

And now I am Chewsing part 2

2005-11-14T13:17:00.000-08:00

I apologize in advance about the nature of this post, It is directed at ? myself, GOD? my church? I just dunno. I just have to say it. If I offend you in anyway, then consider that it is not meant to offend you that God will judge me accordingly and I may welcome it with open arms. Don't worry about his vengeance cause he will have it over me. Thanks.

All I have to say about this new leadership thing and the experience of our church in it's wierd transition is... aahh Sh*T!. Yeah. IT's TUFF and crap hits the fan all the time and if I didn't have people like Headless, Just Pat, and the Amazing WOW duo as friends I think I would have called it quits a couple weeks ago. I am seriously feeling like calling it quits now, but for different reasons. I am just soo tired of playing church. I am tired of talking crap out with hypocritical people who refuse to notice that we are already a broken, fallen people. That it is NOT their JOB to BREAK us even more nor to OBLITERATE the sin they see in our lives... who can't admit that in general, people require loads of grace and love and compassion. That their justice, vengeance, and judgement is toxic and the old school ideas of making it all about Sunday, all about the pastor, all about the right attitude and all about obediance is not even close to what Jesus meant when he said take up your cross and follow me. I am also sick of masking everything under the guise of cordial hypocracy for example the following was said to me from a person who I thought was a support person: "You offended me! Oh, I'm over it now.... But just so you know I don't want to hurt your feelings, I mean I shouldn't say this but I am just being honest... you are trying too hard to be a leader and you aren't good at it, maybe you just need to facilitate more. Okay I said it, are you alright? Did I hurt you? " Smiles and bats eyelashes.

OKKAYYYY... [breathe...1 breathe....2 breathe....3 .......hhhhhhhhhheeeeeeehhhhhhheeeeee Begin rant now!]

So because you don't like what I'm saying to you now, you don't respect me as your leader or as a facilitator? Because I call your attitude over others in our church into question? Because I don't jump high enough for you and prostitute myself to your whims and needs above others I am a bad leader? Who makes up this kind of Sh*T?

I have heard it said that when you enter in to any kind of leadership position in the church you will take a lot of heat, but I never dreamed the divisiveness and hostility that people wield like swords at you when you don't fall into line. I never dreamt that Jesus called us to be lemmings and not question the status quo when it comes to how we function as a church body. Are you lame on Sunday? Do you need healing? wait till Monday.... Pharisee anyone? Yikes!!! the idolatry we have revealed in some of the people in our church family is crippling and choking me to near death. I am on edge and angry don'tcha know! These same people whom I have loved and trusted and prayed with and cried with... are the same ones who are backbiting and sniveling and insulting and gossiping and decieving and hostile because they feel threatened by the truth and by necessary change and by honest questions and honest emotions. How dare I say my pastor has faults? How dare I share with my family that I am confused and hurting over decisions made by my pastor and by leadership? How dare I confess that I have fears over why 48 people have left our church body and now our associate pastor has to step down? How dare I feel frustrated that our pastors know we are in financial distress and aren't willing to take other jobs to keep us afloat? That keeping the building we gather in is more important than the caring for our flock? Ugh... When did church become about the package and not the Truth?

*****breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe*****

And now I am Chewsing Part 1

2005-11-14T12:29:00.000-08:00

oh yeah, it's been a long time since I've been a posting. Sorry. We've had our hands full in our house. What with leading 2 care groups in the midst of church conflict, and me rediscovering the not so joy of eating and a kitten in almost heat... and the 3rd anniversary of my dad dying steady on my heels, well, you can imagine.

First I will update ya'll on my weightloss journey. I finally made 199. In fact, I made a solid 199 today. Sounds gross, like I took a dump, ( sorry) but it has been 7 years since I have weighed below 200 pounds! I am happy and sad about that. I have this crazy fear that I will step on the scale and have ballooned up to 237 again. That I can never leave my "fat clothes" behind me because they will be needed.

But I am also enjoying not being in the 200's. I have this giddy, wild hope that I might see 190 or 180 or *gasp* 150! Meanwhile. I am entering the try it before you buy phase of food. It seems like my little pouch is fickle at best and I am learning the fine art of excusing myself to the ladies room without needing a ambulence to carry me body and limb to pump my stomach at the hospital. What I mean is that some days food that I have eaten comfortably in the past now stage a revolt with startling accuracy. Within 3 minutes- 4 minutes at most, I can intuit that I must run to the staging area ( said bathroom facility) and proceed to "auto-eject" whatever offensive portion I ate. Talk about a damper on your social gathering. This by the way doesn't happen often, so I am thankful for that! Also I have learned that you really should drink some water 20 minutes before you eat because this makes things go smoother when the time comes to eat. I am the queen of finger foods, lol! typical breakfast is 4 multigrain crackers and a deli slice of cheese cut into fourths. maybe a tbl spoon of peanut butter. Lunch 3 oz of salad shrimp and a slice of tomato and a sm V8.

I am also becoming thicker skinned everyday by restaurants who refuse to allow me a "appetizer" serving or a bread plate or ala cart serving of their menu due to my inability to consume a 3 lumberjack serving of food. In fact here is a short list of WLS ( Weightloss Surgery) friendly restaurants and a**h!%#s that make my life difficult and embarassed to be alive.

WLS Friendly,

Wendy's *
( the 99 cent menu- their chili makes me feel normal and I get 2 meals from this cuz it stores nicely for a couple days, plus great source of protein!)

Real Food Cafe* they have a crazy good a la carte menu, but they also allow you to split or share a plate for the cost of just $1.00 That is customer service! ( but just don't order home fries cuz you may die trying to eat them)

Sammy's Pita House* again you can order a small hummus ( protein) and skip the pita and they smile and say have a nice day. No pushing you to add parsley or oil and no pushing you to exchange more food for the food you don't want on their platters and combos! No explanation of WLS required.

Arnies* ditto for making substitutions and asking for half portions. Although it depends on the restaurant some may still charge full price and the waiter may look at you funny for not asking for a doggy bag. I always reassure the chef that the food I did eat was excellent.

Evil Jerk So called restaurants:
Olive Garden - They fry everything or coat it in too much herbs m have no alacarte menu and are not helpful when requesting a half portion, still charge full price and demand a detailed explanation of WLS. Short of showing them my scars and throwing up in their faces I couldn't get them to consider customer service. And NO! I don't take ice in my water thank you. and NO! quit bringing me straws that I am not allowed to drink from.

Bombay Cuisine- fascist pigs. WLS Patients ARE NOT WELCOME THERE ! And unless I am into self mutilation and public displays of racism and willing to pay Full price for a meal that I can only eat 1/2 cup of ( maybe cauze I was unable to test the pouch meter) cause that is what will happen if I am delirious enough to go there again.

Perkins- Disguised as helpful. They will not listen to you when you just want to remove the parts of the meal you can not eat ( even when you are willing to pay full price). They will instead put unwanted and inedible substitutions like bacon, and forget that you can eat hashbrowns and did not request that hashbrowns be removed just the hollandaise sauce and english muffin and the damn ginormous bran muffin. What gives? WLS patients be wary. It could have been the waitress but I just don't know.

So I have lost 10 whole freakin inches from the biggest part of my 2 ( formally 3 ) layer cake at the waist. My feet shrank at least 2 sizes depending on the style of the shoe.
AND ** * TMI WARNING* **
Boobage ( that wasn't really all THAT BIG to begin with especially for a morbidly obese gal like myself) has withered to a startling sad deflated set of balloons. I just sort of roll em up and stuff the gals into their now very roomy padded cells. * sigh*

I know I sound like I am beyotching alot but I am not, I am being amused really I am! The price to live for say another 50 years I think it's worth it!

Keep on keeping on

2005-10-21T12:00:00.000-07:00

Yes it has been awhile. Adjustments needed to be made! *Snark* We have been busy and I haven' t been feeling well. Mostly tired. I need about 12 hours of sleep lately or I just am not very nice! What's new! Heh. So I have a question... What is all this meme stuff? I want to meme. It seems kewl. Somebody meme me!