And call it Macaroni

So I have been off trying to figure out my self. So far I have uncovered some interesting things...

Dr. Dave- my therapist is pretty cool and I see him once a week for my hour long Trauma Parfait and Recovery session. I show up and cry a lot and wonder why I'm crying so much. Then I get a flash of lightening insight and try to figure out if there is any hope for breaking my patterns of destruction. It's like trying to make a dish without knowing all the ingredients or using a recipe. I think I am dealing with some simmering mom issues and that pretty much pisses me off. I mean how many times does one need to go over this Sh*t?! It's painful and I wish I could just get over it all ready, but dang it like a million splinters and everytime I try to pluck it out it just goes deeper and festers. On a shiny note:

Last week I had a shiny glimmer of a dream, culinary school or something. Seth went out and bought me an expensive-ass SHUN KNIFE for GOD'S SAKE! I won't say how much it costs but damn I was surprised. I went on a food prep frenzy and then he hedged and hawed about Williams & Sonoma hiring for the holiday season.. We went in the next day and I boldly went where so many have gone before. I applied for a job at the mall.

Okay, I applied for a job at Williams & Sonoma! lmao!

If you don't know about http://www.williams-sonoma.com then you are not a Foodie and I must go fast and pray for your Foodie Soul. I being a dork, but dang!

So yesterday I had the glory of participating in the lovely group interview. I felt like I was in college- insecure and disappointed in life in general. ( sez alot about my thinking huh?) I got to see behind the curtain and witness the sensous cavern of the stockroom. It was like Dante's Inferno back there! Walls stacked high with product and lovely lovely product. I swooned and knocked off a whisk from it's perch on the endcap of a shelving unit. I trembled and felt awe and sadness.

Why would I be disappointed? I think it has to do with the idea that they want warm bodies for the holidays and then they throw you back into the water... Or maybe it's the concept that if I ran a store as wonderful as WS that I would take some interest in the quality control of who I hired. I know I am a snot. I think I just imagined it would be different to be hired at WS than like say... being hired at a grocery store. I wanted pedigree. Dumb me.

The Deconstruction of what happened and my reaction:

I think this job means more to me than normal. I'm trying to make a change and trying to prove to myself that it's worth it somehow. I just threw away 10 years of crap. I am so afraid of getting more crap. I have a deep need to feel superior or think I am superior already and people disappoint me constantly. This depresses me. I feel abandoned by my Mom's inability to not compete with me in everything and just accept me . I feel angry that I am excited about working in a mall. I feel afraid that I will over-do it and start that evil pattern of being perfect and dominating everything everyone pissing people off, etc. I feel broken.

Phew, anyway. I think I'll take a break and work on the ol' elliptical trainer. I think I have some calories to burn, or something, my head is too swollen for comfort right now!