Meditating on my nature

Can you see me? I am the ladybug on the tennis ball on the stick! You tell me me what you think it means! *Taken at the Fulton Heights Community Garden.

Re-working the pattern

I have spent some time just letting myself dream a teeny weeny little bit. Maybe it was when I was going through all the cooking mags and loose recipes I've collected. Maybe it was reading about Wow's trip to GB Russo's... Or maybe it's all the damn Food Network I watch as I go about my mental breakdown throughout the day!

See I am not just a food junkie. I adore the process of cooking, presenting food, and what got me into weight trouble- eating. I have tons of Cooking Light magazines and a nice little collection of cookbooks, and Everyday Food magazine, and Real Simple, and Gourmet and Fine Dining and well... you get the picture. I am a William & Sonoma wannabe, a Foodie-Pseudo enthusiast, a serveware whore*. (*I like all the little plates, special glasses, spoons, bowls and crap to serve and present food on.) When I wander about Grand Rapids and think about what my life has turned into and consider the "trauma parfait" that I call my soul I consider the few things that I remember make me happy.

I love to feed people. I love cooking. I love dishes. I like hearing people sip and crunch and aah! Beeeelch over good food. I like introducing people to favorite restaurants and watching them light up over a sampling of an entre or try a sumptuous dessert. I like collecting spices and trying to figure out what goes with what. I like surprising people with what I create.

So I've been thinking. What about Culinary School? Maybe I could have a little mini W&S shop or run a bistro? Or start up a catering business or be a personal chef or something? I have a lot of crap to learn that is for sure and for now it's just a spark of a dream. a glitter square. a glimmer on the pond. a single sprinkle on the parfait. Right now there is so much to wait on though and I am scared. We've decided that we aren't moving until after some major stuff happens. Like my grandpa is dying and I kinda am not ready to leave Michigan yet. Maybe it's good for me to just focus on this little thing for now. Stick to sorting through my mags, getting my recipes in order, cutting out pictures of my dream kitchen and making a list of my dream appliances and gadgets. Just try to keep this stuff in my pocket and not on my sleeve... not let it or me float off anywhere... Phew.... crash landing on the flight pattern there!

Doing a little raindance

25 days since I left my job. I am in recovery. I started a painting the other day. Took some pictures, too. Did some cooking. Some shopping. Some housework.

I feel lost.

I reviewed about a hundred recipes going through my cooking magazines. I finished watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer until the finale. I cried like a baby when Spike died. I cried like a baby knowing that Buffy got her life back. What can I say? I've been a little emotional. Okay I've been crazy emotional. Emotional like I am in persistent PMS mode emotional. My therapist says I'm okay though. I don't need meds (yet). Seth says he sees improvement. Seth is insane with putting up with my mood swings!

Went to see an amazing movie last night. Little Miss Sunshine. I gotta say, those reviewers at EW really suck rotten potatoes or something. They are such retards- they were so wrong about this film. This film was beautiful and witty and hilarious and I laughed very hard. So hard my zipper slipped down on my jeans hard. SO hard that I almost farted popcorn with joy! Ok maybe not that hard. . . I did laugh though. I did laugh loud. It was worth it to see. I mean the movie, not me laughing. I also cried. Just so you know. I cried. I sniffled and sucked in my breath. Of course I also almost wacked the dumb cow with the cell phone sitting behind me with my water bottle. Stupid woman. Stupid cow of a woman. I shouldn't insult cows. Yiick.

Yeah, my life has been really full since I don't go to work anymore- err bullshit. It has been full. just not fullfilling. Just not a job. This break so far is really not all that it's cracked up to be, I mean when I run into people they act all jealous and bitchy with me. Say things to me like, I wish I could quit my job! Snark. or they say, I wish my husband would make me quit my job! snarky snark. Then the eye roll and the snarl. I then feel all ashamed and want to crawl into a hole. Then I go see my therapist and he listens to me. I start to tell him how I feel. Yes I am very honest and self aware as I review my suffering. I then talk about how I feel like I have these huge holes ripped out of me and I don't know how to fill them up. How I have spent the last 10 years dealing with people's pain and assorted bullshit and I just want someone to acknowledge that I happen to be in pain too. I have pain too Goddammit! Asshole people! Then we talk about how I am needing to disengage right now because I really I feel like everyone wants a piece of me and it sets off my emotional triggers. Then I go home as sob some more and do some housework.

For shits and giggles I listen to country music. I happen to like country music. It has this amazing quality of soothing me. I like all of it, even the crappy rockypop stuff. Even the crappy lyrics- yes even the twang even the drawl. I was in the shower the other day and I like to change the station from talk radio to country - Seth just luuuuvs it when I do that! And I was singing along and then this song came on about some love lost or some nonsense and I found myself all curled up in the shower sobbing and singing the lyrics. I am not kidding I was crying about the story in the song. There I am acting all high school freshman over the dang song and not two seconds later I was all WHOOWHEEE Shut my mouth! Slap my grandma! All happy singing Honkeytonk Pedonkadonk with Trace Atkins and all Wontcha paint me a Birmigham? and all When you think Tim McGraw I hope you think of me.... I seriously need a hobbie! So folks. Go Country music! Maybe I better get back to blogging...