Going Home

Hey I'm back. The weekend was rough. I got to read Psalm 34 during the funeral. Actually, I was the only one to read anything. Everyone was too .... overcome.

We made to Traverse City on Friday driving 85-90 all the way - just in time for the first scheduled visitation at the funeral home. It was my first ever experience with something like that and it was wierd. Grandma looked beautiful and asleep. There were pictures everywhere of her life. Strange to see great grandpa and great uncles and aunts in these photos. To see me as a kid and to see everyone looking so different. I cried like a baby.

Friday night was my Dad's birthday( 56th) we brought him a cake and had an impromptu birthday party. Cake & Ice cream and chips. Grandma would've approved- she had a powerful sweet tooth!

Saturday was the funeral. It was a long brutal day. The sun was out, but we were all exhausted from the night before and a morning of restlessness. I enjoyed seeing the family & friends that had been a part of Grandma's life and my life. The only family I really ever knew growing up. All day I kept being reminded that I was the oldest and the first grandchild. It hurt my heart notice that not one person considered me a step grandchild- for some crazy reason I was afraid of that. Duh. Grandma never treated me like that and never introduced me to anyone like that either. She was some lady. She was fair in her love for all of us. Saturday night Grandpa walked over by himself. He was so burdened with grief- he said he walked Grandma over. He felt her with him. Then he sat in our kitchen and sobbed. We all walked him home later and it rained as we walked back.

Sunday we stayed for breakfast and I didn't want to come back to Grand Rapids. All the family had been asking if we would change our minds and move back to TC. In my heart I knew the answer was no. In those moments tho, I would've given anything to quit my job and just stay there soaking in the last rays of my grandma. Her smell, her chuckles, her crinkly smile. The memories and everything only seemed to sustain her life force around the house, down by the bridge at the creek, the trail from our land to hers. I would take care of Grandpa and help him out around the house. Make sure he ate and had company. Silly girl.

It rained again when we drove back to Grand Rapids. All I could do was sleep.

Saying Goodbye

I mentioned that I went to Traverse City to see my mom for Mother's Day, but I didn't write about my Grandma Schlagel and spending some time with her and gramps. I had dreamt about her on Friday night. She was in her house and I was with her in the kitchen. She was lamenting all those dishes she hadn't washed! I laughed and said I would help her. In the dream I noticed that the sink was under the window instead of the stove. I asked her when she moved it? She chuckled and said to hand her that casserole dish. I did and we proceeded to tackle the mounds.

I woke up Saturday grateful for the dream but also wary. My "Mexican" side of the family always says that when you dream of someone in the family sometimes it means there has been a death. I hate being superstitious! Sundaywhen we went to Gran's house it was so cool to sit with her and take pictures with her and gramps. Stupid dream! I told her about it and she smiled. She said, Oh I can find some dishes for you to wash if you want!

I liked kissing her papery cheek and listening to her chuckle. Seth even made a 3 minute movie of her and gramps during our visit. We all stood outside her house and I inhaled the sweet air looking out at gran's yard. I saw so many memories and so much change. The chicken coop. The corn field. The apple trees and the strawberry patch. Those are long gone. But I saw the rug on the laundry line. The gooseberry bush and the ol stump where I'd sit and watch uncle Phil make cider. I stared at the grassy spot where I would play with the baby chicks or sit and peel potatoes.

Grandma Loree is my step-grandma and she always treated me like her real grandchild. She told me it wasn't my fault that my parents divorced. She shared a lot of stories and wisdom and love with me over the years. I was pretty excited to see her with her freshly permed silver hair and her rosy cheeks! I have lots of fond memories about her because in so many ways she gave me the stability of family that I desperately needed. Keeping us to prayers before we ate and lulling us into naps during the radio shows or Lawrence Welk- she introduced me to reformed theology and a love of reading and a love of rhubarb pie. She taught me about the woods, and showed me Indian markers and Lady Slippers and all kinds of beautiful wild flowers.

Today I got up thinking about her, feeling good that I got to visit and looking forward to my next journey to TC . Came home for lunch when mom called with the news. Grandma Loree passed away this morning. She went in her sleep. My heart has been aching since that call. I think I need a break for awhile because I just can't process all this right now. We think the funeral will be Saturday. Seth & I planned on going to a friend's wedding that day, but I really want to be there for Grandpa and my step dad. This will be my first 'real' funeral. I have no idea what to expect. I am just so thankful for the chance to be with Grandma one last time. I am so thankful we went up north. I am so thankful for her role in my life. I really love her so much! I am just so
so sad about saying goodbye.

Moms

So we had a busy Mother's Day weekend. Seth & I spent Saturday evening with his Mom and Sunday we drove up to TC to spend the day with my Mom.

Saturday was pretty crazy because Seth had to work in the morning. I thought I was going to work too, but the rain forced my Family Fun Day event to be re-scheduled. Of course I didn't know that until I showed up! Poor planners and manners! It was a good thing it was cancelled because I then helped our neighbors pack up some stuff ( they are moving to Finland). I am sooo jealous!!! Lucky couple! It was nice to help them out. So... by the time Saturday evening came about both Seth & I where poopen tired.

One thing I appreciate about Mother's Day is that it helps put a bit of perspective on things.
For one, Moms are not perfect... but we need them in our lives. Last couple years have been shaky with my mother-in-law, but there has been some forgiveness on both our parts. It was nice to just enjoy her and watch her interact with Seth. She can be a pretty cool person. I like that she makes Seth laugh. My father-in-law is cool too. He has some wacky stories! Over all it was a nice evening and I was grateful for the time spent with them.

Sunday was even more special because Seth was the one that offered to drive up to TC. This is a minor miracle because he hates the drive. I was all thankful about it and He just laughed at me. I think it's funny that he likes my mom. My mom is an enigma. She is ruthless and adorable and cunning and playful and maniputalive and wise. Yeah, "wise" is a hard word to put there, but there it is. Mom is like a feral kitten. Looks all cute & cuddly, but yowzers the cat has sharp teeth!

We arrived at the house and I was pleasantly surprised that my baby brother was going to join us for our Mom's Day lunch. I haven't seen him since he was released from the hospital last year (a horrifying boating accident). He's a bit caustic and cynical. I love him to pieces because he reminds me of "Moi". I got to have a chat with him and help diffuse some of his anger. It's a long story, but suffice to say there is a rage theme in our family. I was proud of him that he overcame some of his issues with mom to be there for her on her "day" I told him so. Which brings me full circle. Moms aren't perfect, but we need them in our lives. There will always be a restless ache in me for the mom I wish I had in my life, but I have learned that my loneliness for family ( for mom) can be cured by my willingness to tolerate, be gracious, and love my mom as she is. I can't fix her. I can't budge her. Just like I can't change the nature of a snake- but I can respect the snake and even grow to love the snake- just exert some caution with the snake as I care for the snake. Wierd, I just called my ma a snake. Ya'll know what I mean right? My kids will prolly blog about what a tyrant I was and how I caused them years of therapy because I was so critical of them, etc. Heh. Prolly inherit those same traits from me and I did from my ma! Irony.

And in the rain there is cleansing

Last night we left the Sushi bar full of warm feelings and sushi and soy sauce. The air was crackling and great gusts of wind was blowing and the rain speckled everything with a fine glitter of coldness. Sitting in the car laughing with Seth about the death farts I felt coming from the zesty ginger, shrimp, scallops and seaweed; I noticed that Grand Rapids is a beautiful town. I liked the houses and the trees and kookie spaces like Cherry Hill and Eastown. I liked the way GR looks in a storm.

We got home and the death knell began ( from my a**) There is a crazy comfort to being able to share such vulgar smells before the one you love. Yeah Seth made gagging sounds and covered his face. I blushed and tried to contain the fumes in a blanket ( that blanket WILL be washed!). It was like over stuffing a beef & bean burrito... We locked up the porch and the house and nestled in to hear the wind blowing and watch TV. I fell asleep on the couch and an hour later Seth woke me up and told me to get my stinky self to bed. In my stupor it occured to me that in that moment , maybe for several moments starting in the Sushi bar, I felt safe. I felt content. I felt at peace. There is something to the healing powers of being with friends, there is something to the cleansing powers of the rain and most of all there is peace when you finally just let go.

Thanks for your prayers dear friends!

In the Shadow of His Wing

I haven't been blogging much because there has been a lot on our plates this past week. I am acutely aware that both Seth & I need continued prayer- it is our lifeline right now. There have been bittersweet events that I can share with you all. I'll just list some stuff now.

Last Wednesday evening I tried to be a good neighbor and asked some kids to refrain from cussing so loudly in the street. At first they obliged, but 20 minutes later returned to using some spectacular expletives at volume level 11. Seth then went and tried to use his burly Italian self to impress the kids to cut it out and "respect his wife's request". He was then threatened, cajoled, taunted and called a nigger. Yep, my big hairy Italian bohunk was called the N-word. I'll let you guess what race these kids were, but that is not the point. WE then went and gathered reinforcements with our neighbors, our block captain Roberta and Tony our block party planner got an ear full about our experience and the troubles of the last couple weeks. We ended up with maybe 8 adults ready to "nip it in the bud" with these kids. What then happened is that he kids refused to leave our street. They didn't live on our block but they wouldn't leave. Then they started to threaten the teenage girl who had invited them to hang out in the first place. She was clearly embarassed and not able to control her friends. They started fighting. We broke it up. AS we returned back to our homes, we planned to have a tete A tete with the girl's mom. They had recently moved in and the crowding behavior was starting early for it not to be summer. Well... The kids came back to take it out on the girl and we had like 20 teens fighting in the middle of our street. All the neighbors ran back including me and Seth and tried to break it up. I called the police twice. We all called the police. The kids were punching at the grown ups and I got shoved into a shrubbery. It was an awful mess. We broke it up when the police shoed up 20 minutes later. 4 squad cars and they didn't even bother with sirens or anything. The scary thing is the kids weren't afraid of the police. That was Wednesday.

Thursday. Pastor called and rescheduled for the next evening. I was relieved because I was still worked about about the night before. My nerves were frayed. We expected some retaliation from these kids.

Friday. We met with Pastor and his wife. It was a bittersweet meeting. We really talked about some good stuff and enjoyed out time with them. In the end they prayed a blessing for us and our future. I felt very peaceful about it, but I was also silently grieving that change. The loss of my church home walked up and sat next to me and stared me in the face.

Saturday. We recieved a frantic phone call from a friend of ours. They had gotten a call that another of our friends ( someone who is mentally ill) had a break down of sorts the night before and the therapist had left her unattended in the apartment the whole night. Did we have a key to her apartment to see if she was ok? What followed was a harrowing afternoon of trying to reach the apartment manager, the therapist and our friend. We finally got to her and it was so distressing I can't even write about it. Thank God she didn't hurt herself. We took her to the Psych hospital. I switched back and forth between rage and fear and grim determination. Our dear friend was so changed and I couldn't do a damn thing about it. I had a lot of guilt because I just wanted to spend the day working on my yard. Seth was amazing with her. Calming her down and being patient. He doesn't like sick people, but he loved our friend and it was.. beautiful.

Sunday. I slept like death and then we focused on the yard. Just kept at it until we were exhausted.

Monday I called in sick. I couldn't rest. I couldn't calm down I was so agitated.
Tuesday I called in sick. I checked out. watched alot of tv and slept.

Wednesday I went to work and felt like I am wanting something fresh. Different.

Today. Who knows what the day will bring. It is Just Pat's birthday party tonight and I am glad to be around friends.

Please keep us in prayer ya'll.

More fuel for the fire- See last post

Well... Went to a meeting yesterday. Got the shock of my life when I learned that my job ( grant funded) will go on a 7 month hiatus on March 7 of next year-that means I will not have a job. This is an interesting thing since I am wanting to quit my job and get the heck out of social work. The problem is that I don't really know what to do with myself. I've been doing this for almost 9 years. Ick. Anyone know a good job coach?

Taking breaks

Hey been busy- Things are tough, but better.
Our friends the Beerhorsts are moving back from Brooklyn.
I am glad about that! They move in June.
Also, tomorrow we talk with Pastor.
We are officially leaving the church.
Actually, we pretty much left already.
There is a relief to this leaving thing.
No we aren't leaving our faith, just the expression of church
as it is done at the building. Lots of changes ahead.
Yard work, painting our house, me losing more weight,
us finding out what to do next. . . If you are reading this we could
so use some encouragement right now. Thanks all.