The Difference between Faith & Religion

So... on Easter my friends and I experienced a bit of a shocker. We were having fun and eating and then I broke out my plastic Easter eggs filled with treats and a piece of paper with a question on it. My intention was to start a bit of discussion and laughter and engage each other in a little Easter silliness. During one question, "What Does Easter Mean To You?" Headless tried for a joke and said," It means that I'm not going Wester!" ugghhh that was bad! We were like, OK, dat it? Give us more- Then..... my sister gets this serious look on her face and almost in a scolding tone declares to us that Easter is about Jesus dying for our sins and then rising from the dead on the 3rd day. She told us with such determination that it was... well it wasn't a happy moment, more like we were being smacked.

Now, I would say that on one hand I have never known my sister to be religious. She historically has been a serious party girl with a serious bent to her ( meaning she is also smart and mule headed.) She was a fierce defendant of the Catholic faith ( cuz we sorta were) but to me it didn't make much sense because that wasn't really a part of our family life-going to church I mean.
On the other hand, I am pleasantly surprised that she has seemingly committed herself to Christ and her faith and seems to be quite bold with it. The other surprise is that her fiance also declared that he was recently "saved". Of course, all this was sort of shoved out there and we were all a bit unsure of what to say or do - so we went back to being ourselves and moved on to the next questions.

Last weekend my mom and I talked. Mom was a bit freaked out that my sister is in a cult and is trying to convert her and she wanted me to talk to lil sis and find out if she is being brainwashed. I chuckled.

Over 15 years ago I went through the same thing with my family when I embraced my faith in Jesus and was baptized in Lake Michigan and then later went to seminary to pursue full time ministry. I have no problem in admitting that I was a young Christian then and that I often acted quite retarded in my zeal to live my every breath for Christ. I've calmed down since then- been humbled and learned quite a bit about life and the people in it. I have also learned that the church can do some damage.

Anyway, I called my sister last night and we had a very long talk/argument/talk. She didn't hold back with her critique of my "Christian" friends or of my lack of "evangelizing" the family. She was disappointed that I hadn't been more bold in declaring my faith to her and to everyone in the family. She is up for taking the reigns. She proudly tells me she reads the bible every night and prays for all our souls. I had to hold back and think about her a bit. Remembering that she is being influenced by her new found passion and all that crap, reminding myself that I was once in those pedestal- shaped, soapbox-like shoes... I tried to listen.

I dunno maybe I'm gettin old, maybe Jesus isn't the source for all that I am or some bullshit like that. I dunno. But I do know that I love my sister and the gauntlet has been laid. There's nothing for it but to reach out to her and sand her off like so many before have done to me. I explained with as much patience as I could muster ( not much) that pursuing truth and the bible as inerrant is all well and good, but without love all you have is a hammer.

Jesus didn't come to be a hammer and he didn't call us to be a hammer. He called us to follow him and do what he was doing -what his Father was doing-that is not to say there wasn't some righteous anger there ( like directed to the vendors at the temple.) Jesus never regarded the unsaved or the unclean or the not so perfect Christian as the enemy\target\project\etc.
He regarded us as people, beloved people. who were lost sheep needed to find their master. He cared for people and wanted them to have the opportunity at living water- to be transformed into new creations and to be healed. He looks at us as a Bridegroom to a bride - Not the enemy! That is why he deliberately went to the prostitutes and tax collectors and children and the lame and demon possessed to hang out with them, break bread with them and teach them about the living water. He did it with love and grace and mercy; Not with a whip or a sword ( Peter) or with judgement or shame/guilt/accusations. This is the gist of where my sister's beliefs have formed. The pastor/preacher/church leader/evangelist that would have you believe such a twisted back-white version of Christ will answer to GOD for that. Assholes.

I am just stunned. In my sister's eyes I suppose I am backslidden for swearing and for not injecting the name of Jesus in every breath of my conversations with everyone I meet. I am a stained Christian now for hanging out in bars or having friends that listen to secular music or *gasp* drink alcohol or for leaving my home church. It just breaks my heart that she never told me about this change in her life and that she has chosen to make it a launching point of transformation of the family. I don't believe she is in a cult. Just a very legalistic, religious, bound group of pharisees that call themselves righteous. Her newfound faith goes beyond the lusty freshness of the new believer and stumbles into something else- something that has no joy.

That's the end of my rant. Ya'll pray for my sisterand me- that I can demonstrate love to her and speak with the grace and the love and the little experience that my broken life can give.

50 pound Mark

Well, On Sept 16, 2005 I had gastric by-pass surgery. Here is my update of what has changed.

I was at 237 pounds 2 weeks prior to surgery-had been rapidly pushing the 240 mark in June 2005.
7 months later, I am now at 187 pounds. That is 1/2 a Supermodel! AND while I am happy where I am at - now smaller than I was in college and about the same as I was in high school. I still have a few goals!

I would like to reach 180 by the end of May.
By June: I would like to approach 170 or dare I dream 160?
In the next 6 months, I would like to improve my exercise habits!
I have already cut my calorie intake. (Ya'll would be surprised what this lil Mex chic can put away -even with the surgery!) I have started walking and just finished a pilates class- now I will join the YMCA.

I have received the go ahead from the doc that in 6 months... I can try to spawn a kid. AND that is if I can get myself to a 150-135 goal. Ideally, I should work my way down another 50-60 pounds to meet the 127 pounds for a 5'1 woman as the prescribed goal. Yikes, 10 pounds per month I dunno- it is possible. That would mean that Seth's Birthday present would be trying to make twins, er a lil furball. . . or a Christmas present of fuzzness. We are a hairy couple. Maybe I will enjoy just being healthy size girl before I stack a kid or two on the deck, still it is new for me to even have that option.

Healthwise:
So far, there hasn't been any meds in my life- just vitamins- no asthma, no CPAP, no insulin, no finger pokes, no depression, no backpain, no knee and joint pain. No swellling of my feet and hands, no wierd skins infections, UTIs, no abnormal liver kidney thyroid HA1C results, no more blood draws every other month. No MRIs, catscans, Ultrasounds, fear of liver cancer, pancreas capooey or decreased vision.

I have had a lot of burping ( eating too fast-they changed my stomach not my brain, people) and now have started the hairloss ( typical of induced malnutrition and recovery from the surgery stress- normal for this phase) and I have the NORMAL hormonal stuff every month. I have some saggy skin- caused I was stretched out from all the fat and, duh- not so much exercise! I have extra BO because my body is learning to use its energy better. Is it worth it too me? Hell yeah. Would I do it again, You bet.

I am so happy-even if nothing else changed today- even if I never lost another pound because I am living and will live longer and be around for Seth and my family. Even if I wasn't allowed to make a kid- I am happy today because I no longer a prisoner in my body.

Great Friday

I am taking half the day off for the big poobah of a Easter gathering tomorrow. Yeah I know it's on a Saturday... sue me. I am glad for the day and for family and for friends. Ya'll be glad Jesus is the reason for the season! I got nothing against bunnies or anything. There'll be plenty around tomorrow as well.

Well & Rested & Mostly Much Improved

Soooooo.. Here is my re-cap of the weekend.
FRIDAY
We played Catan Friday night. It was fun, but I was tired and really wanted to crawl into bed. I don't thinkn anyone noticed tho, since I tried very hard to behave myself.

SATURDAY
Saturday I was pooped. We searched most of the morning and long into the afternoon for a Brown Sugar glazed ham. Yeah, there is like 4 of them in all of GR. Seriously, Easter week and there are no dang ol hams to be found! Alas... We found one, but I was mentally and emotionally drained by the end of it all. We got home and I sorta slipped into a fugue. Seth roused me into going for a walk later and we stalked out into the darkness and walked to BlockBastard to rent a couple movies. Wallace & Grommet? Oh Yeah. My spirits felt a twinge of life spring into them. Oh! I called my sister to see if she and her boyfriend are coming to Easter and she tells me she is ENGAGED!!!!!! Yay! AND I have a ham for our dinner!

SUNDAY
Sunday I lazed about. Read my book in bed. Cuddled with the Sookster (my wittle kitty) and had a small tsunami of a temper tantrum over needing pants. OK pants that fit and don't fall off! Seth brought me to the Mall for retail therapy. I am happy to report I have a couple pants and I am no longer in danger of being carried away by a gust of wind ( due to the hugeness of previously owned pants acting like a mast) . Oh yeah and we went to great Japanese Steak House and ate birthday lunch with our friend CHucK. And I ate a bit of cake and we came home and vegged on the couch and then I went sleepy time.

MONDAY
Feeling purple today ( ouchy ) cause I had to have some blood work done. But I am much better than last week. Last week was bad. It was also a foreshadowing of all things pre-mentrual. What am I saying, yeah. PMS . Dang horomones. Tonight I plan on going for another walk and I plan on starting to paint my upstairs foyer; Terra Mexicana. It's a lusty colored orange sherbet maybe clay or sunset corally orange color. It will make me happy and go nice with the Mexicana red in the stairwell. HOOoo Rahhh. Sensing the Mexican theme? yep.

And Janay destroys the volcano!

Heh, this test is more like it. ( At least my frame of mind lately) I just gotta have a sense o humor about this. Anyone for a dancing hotdog? A box of popcorn with legs?

You Are 66% Evil

You are very evil. And you're too evil to care. Those who love you probably also fear you. A lot.

How Evil Are You?

Janay versus the Volcano

I wandered into JustPat's blog again. She's having issues at Meijer with stupid peeple and their cell phones. Cell phones+ Cars+ Parking Lots don't mix. I read her 5 point personality thingy and promptly, wickedly took the test myself. Yep, for the most part I agree. See if you agree... Here are my feeb results ( I don't know about the low neurotic part):

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion: You have medium extroversion. You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party. Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences. But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time." Conscientiousness: You have high conscientiousness. Intelligent and reliable, you tend to succeed in life. Most things in your life are organized and planned well. But you borderline on being a total perfectionist. Agreeableness: You have low agreeableness. Your self interest comes first, and others come later, if at all. In general, you feel that people are not to be trusted. And you're skeptical that anyone else really feels differently. Neuroticism: You have low neuroticism. You are very emotionally stable and mentally together. Only the greatest setbacks upset you, and you bounce back quickly. Overall, you are typically calm and relaxed - making others feel secure. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is medium. You are generally broad minded when it come to new things. But if something crosses a moral line, there's no way you'll approve of it. You are suspicious of anything too wacky, though you do still consider creativity a virtue.

The Five Factor Personality Test

Hot Temper!

Today I wear shades of red. To compliment my temper! Yesterday was a day that I had to isolate because I was a ticking timebomb. Whooops. So, instead of allowing myself to rage at the world and at others and maybe commit murder... I will express my emotions in color.
RED. REDRUM. Another way I express my temper is to cuss. I can't cuss much because Seth commented last night that I am not a trucker. I also am at work and it would be bad for me to walk around having a Turrett's attack. The fragile psyches here would implode.

Where did I get my terrible temper? I dunno. My ma has a terrible ugly temper or she used to. Mine used to be pretty bad, now it is more sedate ( ish) . Seth says that I have a real high Justice Meter. I think of it more as a BullS*it detector. I can't abide by BS because I try so hard to be honest and to do the right thing. I also can't stand avarice in people or maliciousness. I know that I am a harsh judge, though. I try not to be harsh, more pragmatic about it.


Ever see the scene in Pride & Prejudice when Elizabeth says, " Once you've lost my good opinion, you've lost it forever!" She adjusts that later on, but I am there with her. BullS*it me once and I prolly will extend some grace, BS me twice and you better forget about knowing me as a nice person. I will treat you like a person, but I won't be nice nor will I be compassionate to you in the ways you prefer. I will make you very uncomfortable. I will make it clear that your behaviour is not tolerated. I may make you suffer. It's very un-Christian of me, I know this.
I do try to be gracious, I know people aren't perfect. I know I am not perfect. I know I too can be a jerk.

I think that being a social worker for the past 9 years has made me a bit cynical , tired, and sharply astute in the ways of the world. I don't tolerate much. You can say all you want about what a cold beyotch I am, but I will tell you- it's really because I care so much that I pull my sword out to hack away at the rot. With people, I tend to want to cut my losses - I won't strain myself to convince you that you need to change and I won't be polluted by you either. You know what is right and what is wrong. IF you insist on doing wrong, then I can't let you in. I will love you- but keep your A**hole ways away from me.

Sounds crazy I know. I Offend. Cuz it ain't nice to offend people in this age. BULL SH*T! We need to be offended, if only to recognize that there may be truth in our offense that there may be a NEED TO STEER OURSELVES AWAY FROM OUR RETARDED BEHAVIOR! I get offended all the time and I use that offense to think about what I might need to change or not. I know I need to be softer, I know I need to work on diplomacy, I know what Jesus would do- he'd burn those damn bracelets is what! I don't need reminding about the "loving" way I am not. I know am arrogant and full of rage. People really can suck suck suck suck kumquats! Sometimes I just can't stand people! Yeah you A**hole! ( The driver in front of me - the cow on the phone threatening with her lawwwwwyyyyyyyerrrr-the teenager who throws shoes at us when we go for walks- the jackhole who puts the signs up that say IMPEACH all over the damnbnm place- the freakycat-HO who must have her "oatmeal" soap from Worldmarket TODAY and not go anywhere else- the DialAmerica bungus who keeps calling after I told em 8 buzzillion times I freakin don't want any MORE of your DAmnbnbmbn Magazines and I don't give a crap about the firefighters or the homeless or the girl scouts or Students against Driving drunk)

There. My temper tantrum. Go take a cold shower, it's hot in here.

Mustang Musical

When I was a kid, Dad owned a bright yellow Mach 1 Mustang with the Black speed- racer stripes and tan interior ( I think)... cause the most I remember about the interior was the steering wheel had a brown leather sport cover on it with all those tiny grip holes. Oh yeah! and the bucket seats that I would curl up in as we would travel about Michigan and on our trips to Texas.

The air always smelled like Stetson and the stereo system was killer. We'd spend those hours listening to REO Speedwagon, Boston, Journey, Blondie, Aldo Nova, Foreigner, and ZZ Top. What? Did you expect Mexican Ranchero fare? Nah, my Dad had craZee taste in music and being his lil gurl: SO DO I ! Neil Diamond, Teddy Pendergrass, Tina Turner, Johnny Mathis, Linda Rondstat...Boss Skaggs. Just don't make me dredge up the awful Nu Shuz, Expose, and Taylor Dane era cause that just gives me a headache... and I get embarassed!

The Mustang would make a clackity clack sound every time we crossed bridges or overpasses. I imagined it sounded alot like horse hooves and it would lull me to sleep. I love sleeping in cars! And this car was the best.

The Mustang Memory (in Holland, MI)
My dad and I loved to take "the Mustang" to the Blue Lantern Carwash and we would watch the brushes and curtains of soap and different colored foams spray down around us. Then when we reached the mirrored part we would OOOOhh and AAahhh and the shiny brightness and make faces at each other. Then we would go to DogNSuds for a footlong chili-dog and a rootbeer float. I would hum away to the songs on cassette tape and Dad would tease me about my singing. He would take his Ferrrari fold up like a butterfly sunglasses and put them on me and pinch my nose. We would argue about how I looked like my mom and I would shriek at him that I didn't look like mom! I looked like him! I have his nose! And he would say, you must be my kid because you have that extra fold in your ears like me... and I would smile- because I have ears like my dad! The mustang would be all warm and comfortable like a soft bed on Sunday morning and we'd cruise through Zeeland and make our way to Grand Rapids. I would fall asleep and dream about singing with the guys from Air Supply. I'd be propped up out off the sunroof of the Mustang with a microphone in my hand and my jean jacket and collar turned up (like El Vis) and the guys from Air Supply would be surrounding the car like in the movie Grease...