Deep Thots -The search for Steve Zizzou

Nah, I have no idea what I'm writing, but that's breaks. Soooo. This weekend was a wierd one. During a nice breakfast with the hubbie - we ended up talking about our stuff. Basically, we want to quit our jobs and start a small business. He also feels that he needs to get a college degree because he doesn't have one and he feels ??? inadequate??? as a man. He feels like he has so few options without that piece of paper. I have my opinions about college. Yes I have a degree, but it was mostly a waste of cash. I can't remember the last time I worked in the arena of my degree- yikes. It's been 10 years since college, that is a scary amount of time. So we discussed that and then we discussed his divorce from his first wife.

Yes, I married a guy who was married once before. I never felt wierd about it, but you would be surprised at how some people react that he's been divorced. They look at us in shock. His wife left him. That had an impact that I am feeling today. Hubbs feels that I could possibly get bored and just walk away from our marriage. He live in fear that I would do that. This is not an unreasonable fear. I have a history of starting things and stopping things. I have an uncanny ability to - become distracted? Fickle. Yep. I am a semi-creative person and I have a compulsive personality. So I like making bead jewelry. I will spend a couple months doing that and I move on. I like scrapbooking... I do that for a while and then I move on. I sew purses, I paint, I draw, I listen to music, I read books, I cook, I blog.... There are more stop/ starts than I can count. And I want to start a business? INSANE. Then there is the whole friendship thing and relationships with people and my history with old guy friends. I am sooo fickle with friends. I am not really a long time friend keeper. I don't have people in my life that I have known since I was a kid. Well, maybe one- but she lives in Minnesota and I haven't really been good about keeping in touch. The same with all my boyz. There are soo many guys that I was so close to and now... who knows where they are?! Same with my gals. I lived with these 4 great women for about 3 years and I rarely keep in touch. Hell, I barely keep in touch with my family. It was 20 years befoer I made it back to Texas. My dad was dead. I went and saw family. I am such an out of sight out of mind personality. So my husband fears that our marriage won't last because of my prone to move on bits. There is also the whole, my first wife left me and I never saw it coming. I guess I am concerned about this. Am I being distructive ? I don't know. I do know that I am a fight and flight personality. I fight like hell and I fly away. hmmm. Now what was I doing?

Janet's Johari Ventana

Cause Headless had one. and I am curious. Here is my personal Johari Window http://kevan.org/johari?name=JanetPickleOsVentana. Show me some love and add your 2 cents.

Happy Valentine's Day to me! I am 10 Cow Wife!

a ten cow wife via scott.club365.net

Perhaps you've heard the story of Johnny Lingo, a man who lived in the South Pacific. The islanders all spoke highly of him. He was strong, good-looking, and very intelligent. But when it came time for him to find a wife, people shook their heads in disbelief. The woman Johnny chose was plain, skinny, and walked with her shoulders hunched and her head down. She was very hesitant and shy. She was also a bit older than the other married women in the village, which did nothing for her value. But this man loved her.

What surprised everyone most was Johnny's offer. In order to obtain a wife, you paid for her by giving her father cows. Four to six cows was considered a high price. The other villagers thought he might pay two or even three cows at the most. But he gave ten cows for her!! Everyone chuckled about it, since they believed his father-in-law put one over on him. Some thought it was a mistake.

Several months after the wedding, a visitor from the United States came to the Islands to trade, and heard the story of Johnny Lingo and his ten-cow wife. Upon meeting Johnny and his wife the visitor was totally taken aback, since this wasn't a shy, plain, and hesitant woman, but one who was beautiful, poised, and confident.The visitor asked about this transformation, and Johnny Lingo's response was very simple. "I wanted an ten-cow woman, and when I paid that for her and treated her in that fashion, she began to believe that she was an ten-cow woman. She discovered she was worth more than any other woman in the islands. And what matters most is what a woman thinks of herself."

In my comments from the Lily post I listed all the wonderful stuff Seth has done for me this past week. It was amazing. I felt blessed and honored and cherished in abundance, surprised at myself because I am typically not wanting for those feelings.
Last week and this weekend were rough. I battled the depression monster and was in one of my darkest moments on Sunday. I think that the faithfulness that my husband has for me during these times is precious. He is faithful for me when I have nothing left. Powerful stuff this marriage-love-convenant thing. Today I feel strengthened by showering him with surprises and laughter too. I "hid" farm animal valentines in his dresser and the medicine cabinet and on the toilet seat . They showed pictures of A dog saying "You're Dog gone awesome!" and a Horse saying" Quit horsing around and be my valentine!" I made some saucy homemade coupons as well.... no where near as extravagent as what he has done for me.., but I know it matters to him more than anything when I choose life again. again. again. He transfered energy to me this weekend in the form of flowers and delicacies like chocolate and fine dining and nostalgia. He made me laugh by tickling me to death and prayed over me and cuddled me in my zombified state. Yes, I am a 10 cow woman... indeed.

Furled Up Like a Lily

Got flowers delivered at work today- lilies from Seth. They are white with blush tones on the outside and a deep magenta striped on the inside. A lady told me they are called StarGazer Lilies. Right now they are still in bud form- furled up tight and getting ready to unfurl. They are beautiful. I feel like them right now. Furled up like an umbrella or a new spring leaf before the first good rain. Like a lily. I feel glad deep inside because there is a place where these lilies are growing and thriving. They aren't dormant under the snow- they aren't contained in frozen soil- they aren't held hostage to the winter season. I want to be in that place where the lily is thriving right now. hmmm.

You Are A Lily

You are a nurturer and all around natural therapist. People see you as their rock. And they are able to depend on you. You are a soothing influence. You can make people feel better with a few words. Your caring has more of an impact than even you realize.

What Flower Are You?

And now for something completely different...

I have been on a stomach induced-self induced hiatus. I think I am depressed because TiVo isn't capturing what I like to watch on account of Prison Break isn't on until March and Lost has repeats and NCIS has repeats and What Not To Wear has repeats. Also there is like 2 more episodes of Gilmore Girls with like 80 epidsodes of repeats WTF?!!!! and don't get me started on Veronica Mars because I just caught 1 new epi after like 3 weeks of nada. Yeah, I am living life vicariously through the shows I record on TiVo. I suck rotten avocados, yeesh.

I think I am at a turning point for awhile. We decided to stay at the building ( church) because we don't feel like God is directing us to leave yet. Last Sunday I felt compelled again to rise up out my seat, walk up to the front, relieve the poor sucker trying to lead worship and shout at the congregation, " YOU STIFF-NECKED PEOPLE! GET OUT OF HERE! GOD DOESN'T WANT YOUR PITHEY CAST-OFFS!" Yeah, I am a little incensed ( sp?) I am being judgemental and disgusted, but I could really give a crap! Just drop my drawers right there an doo doo.

The sad thing is my friend Headless tells me that even if I did that, it wouldn't make a dent. People would just be pissed that I disrupted thier service. WTF?! Yeah, I am cussing. Lord forgive me! I am cussing! I guess I am wondering why we bother if we don't care? Every person in that room just sat there or stood there like a lemming, no emotion no smile just frowns or blank looks. They actually looked bored. The worship team looked sick and the worship leader looked panicked. He tried so damn hard to vitalize us, so hard. . . it was sad. I admire his courage. At one point I just sat there and openly sobbed. I sobbed at the coldness and the empty spirit. I sobbed in sorrow that I haven't been allowed to leave, and frustration that these people and the pastor seem so vacant. I then went up to Pastor and looked at him, tears filling my eyes. I said to him, " GOD WILL HAVE HIS WAY." I prayed over him and sat with him and wondered what it would take to move him and this congregation. I went back to my seat and read Zechariah. Ouch.

This is why it is safer for me to live in TiVo land for now. I wouldn't want to upset the status quo at the building. I know I am not perfect, I know I am a dork, a jerk even. I know I have a raging Mexicana temper- but I love my LORD. And help me I love the stiff- necked people at the building. I am fighting for my soul, because my flesh says to let them burn. My heart says to fight for them. Cue the Pat Benetar songs... Love is a battlefield.