Pilates and Therapy

More pilates last night. But just before my instructor came over; Seth & I had a huge, humongous fight. Like I am kicking and punching him fight. Yeah, I know. I am evil. Seth is great, but he pushed me on a subject that I didn't know was so raw.
My insides felt like hamburger. Once I calmed down I tried to find my center and focus on the fact that I would be doing pilates very shortly and I needed to relax.

So, Torey shows up and I put up a good facade, I'm good at that. Somewhere during my 100s she asks me if I am ok and I tell her. She says I'm a bullshitter. Yep. We get to talking about the fight and the next thing I am a sobbing mess. This seems to be turning into more than pilates, but therapy. I tell her I really need to go see a counselor because I am fraying apart. So tired of being frayed girl! She recommends someone. I think, Geez, I even have hang ups about going to my old counselor. Yikes!

The stunning conclusion is that I am grievig my dad and now I am grieving my mom. No she's not dead- not in life anyway. She just hasn't ever been a mom to me. With all this change we are embracing, I want my mommy to talk to and to care for me. But I don't have one. She is not the nurturing type. So I am pissed and sad and lonely for her. I am also pissed and sad that as a grown up I doubt myself all the time. I think it's because of being a child of an alcoholic and having to be the authority to defective parents when you're only 6 years old. I didn't have parents to guide me in life and that is effing retarded. I feel effing retarded!
What to do what to do? I blog. I read. I practice pilates. Anyway, now that I write all this stuff down I feel stupid. It is Friday and I have 15 days of my job to go and I want to be happy about it! Instead I'm just scared.

Seth says he knew he was pushing me, but he didn't know why. I think that somewhere in his spirit he sees that I need to get a grip on this mommy & daddy stuff. So get a grip Janay! Get a freaking grip already!