My brain resembles bloody mac & cheese!

Your Brain's Pattern

Your mind is a firestorm - full of intensity and drama. Your thoughts may seem scattered to you most of the time... But they often seem strong and passionate to those around you. You are a natural influencer. The thoughts you share are very powerful and persuading.

What Pattern Is Your Brain?

5 weird things I do...

I was meme'd first by Capt Wow a long time ago and I never posted it. Cuz I am lazy... So then Steve memed me and well... I am a weirdo. How did he know?

WEIRD Habit 1. Ugh.... erghhh.... I burp. A lot. Friends can testify that I burp a lot. I don't burp quietly or hold it in ( per hubby's instructions) I just... BUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRP. I don't apologize for it. I think I picked it up in college, damn football players and their drinking games. Yeah.

FYI these habits are in no particular order...

WEIRD Habit 2. Food Quirks... I like to eat lemons and salt. I eat them at restaurants and at home. I think it's a Mexican thing or a Texas thing cuz I do it and Headless does it too. Maybe that isn't so weird. I also like lemon on my salty butter popcorn as well as eating popcorn with pickles. I loved to have Ruffles potato chips with cottage cheese. Or Ruffles with ice cream or Ruffles with chocolate. *Sadly I cannot partake in Ruffles feasts anymore due to the missing 90% of my stomach now. Prolly a good thing! *

I also have a weird obsession with Wendy's Chili. I make my hubby go get it for me when the mood strikes. It strikes a lot.. lol This is weird because my dad ( when he was dying) also had a weird obsession with Wendy's Chili I would often drive to Wendy's around 11:30 pm or midnight to pick some up for him. He refused to eat the homemade stuff that was healthier, etc. Alas I am victim to the Chili curse too. Oh, and I used to loathe beets, now I eat em out of the can. weird.

WEIRD Habit 3. Soap collection. A whole drawer dedicated to fancy soap or funny soap or sexy soap or some such other kind of unique soap that I have purchased for what ever reason from shops and farm markets and department stores or salons. I am now receiving soap as gifts from my husband.. thus the cowgirl soap I got for my birthday. Why is this weird? Being a former hippy ( damn hippies!) I used to go au natural for longer than I should. Hubbs thinks I have an aversion to the shower ( this is a running joke in our house since he is OCD about showers) . FYI... I don't. I'm just afraid to use all my pretty soaps and not be able to replace them.... Whaa??!!!

WEIRD Habit 4. Whenever I talk about or to my peeps ( i.e. anyone of latin or Mexican descent or my family in Texas) I slip into my slanglish accent. "Jes, I knows what Jew mean. Cuz for reals, I dint tink I coo sabe enuff vacaciones para Easter to bisit jew all. I will tr-eyee." I also swear at my husband in Spanglish and he doesn't know what hell I'm sayin, but he can guess... There are also times when I completely blank out on all known vocabulary ( to me) and I can't speak in Spanish or English or French or Japanese. The reverse also happens when I yell at my cat in JaSpenglish. Yeah. Weird.

WEIRD Habit 5. When I feel sick or not well or nauseous I must strip down and curl up in bed right away. I hate wearing clothes when I am sick. It could be a cold or tummy stuff or PMS - doesn't matter, must be nekkid and in bed. And don't bother me at all, just let me sleep. I also don't like to drink water from my nightstand unless it's bottled water. I have a fear that there will be cat hair or dust clumps or something in it if I use a glass. And Hubby must tuck me in. I get all weird about it if He's not there to tuck me in and make sure I'm breathing first before he leaves me alone. I also have to have the fan on. I needs it. Needs the air and the white noise. See I am a weirdo.

Thots I have

Last night Seth & I stayed up and watched the life of Jesus from the Gospel of John on channel 21. We started watching around the time Jesus did his first miracle at the wedding. I'm not sure how we discovered this was on because we never watch channel 21, but I think Seth was channel surfing and it caught his attention. I am really glad it did because it was powerful. He hauled the bible out and we figured out it was the gospel of John ( which was confirmed at the end credits) and we learned more details (that we had forgotten) about Jesus. It was an exciting time for us as we read the bible and watched it on tv . I noticed that compared to Mel's The Passion, this seemed to capture the fullness of who Jesus is. The power and wonder of Jesus and naturalness of it had an impact of us that afterward kept us talking and excited about what we saw. This is the testimony of Christ and we took it for granted.

I asked Seth his thots about Jesus and the response Jesus would have as we struggle with our feelings about church and leaving Southside. It was encouraging for him to say that he had to think about it as I would. One thing I came away with is that I need to give and recieve forgiveness. Sounds simple? riiiighhhht. Actually, it is simple. I get to choose forgiveness and stand in the identity that God has given me.

What is difficult is the standing in the identity thing. I can refuse who I am and choose to stay angry and hurt over the wrongs I have experienced. I can choose to keep people I say I love under a mantel of foolishness. Or I can be ok with thier foolishness and love them and encourage them that I am foolish too and allow them room to stay or move out of that foolishness. Yikes that sounds arrogant. I hope you get what I am trying to say.

I was thinking about when Peter refused to admit that he knew Jesus three times and then the rooster crowed. And later after the resurrection and the fishing and stuff, Jesus was sitting with him on the beach eating the fish they had just caught. This was one of the last times Jesus appeared in front of the disciples. He asked Peter, " DO you love me?" three times. The power of forgiveness was tangible on Peter's face. I cried big fat tears as I watched this scene. Peter knows with everything that he is what Jesus is doing. Peter says, " Yes Lord, I love you. " By the third time, Peter says, " You know everything about me, You know I love you." Jesus transformed Peter in that moment. The power of love. The power of forgiveness. I think that we are a lot like Peter. We are incrediblly foolish like he was when he didn't understand and tried to keep Jesus from dying and we are capable of holy insight, like when he knew that Jesus was the messiah without being told and we are forgiven, like Peter who knows he loves Jesus. Jesus called him to "Take care of his lambs... his sheep" after each proclamation of love . We are called to do the same.

Hmmm. . Thots.

God grant me the serenity

I was reading a response from Steve ( see comments under the I Am Wrong post) and I have just replied about how my Doc and I prayed the Serenity prayer today for my 3 month follow up. I've gotten to thinking about the last time I underwent a radical change that effected me spiritually and physically.

I was in college, when I decided that the thing I really wanted most was to get sober. I had a healthy, compulsive drinking problem and I had thought I conquered it. I was lying to myself and to everyone during my senior year at college. My testimony...bragging about how Jesus had helped me get sober and that I didn't need a 12 step or to go into treatment, etc. It was crap. When I graduated I went into a 3 month ministry education program and I had angst with a guy in my "class" who had a similar testimony, but he went to AA. By the end of the summer program, we became reluctant friends. He stayed to finish one more year at college and I went into seminary with dreams of being a street evangelist, jesus hippy or some such nonsense.

You would be surprised that you can be an alcoholic and in seminary. Also at how much drinking and smoking happens in places like that. Yes, I smoked too. I loved cigars and I loved my Camel lights. Anyway, it was stressful. Being in seminary in a time when women were just starting to be trendy, but not quite. I had a lot of promise because I was zealous for Jesus and I had boobs plus a uterus. This made for interesting relationships with the guy students and the old geezer professors. Maybe this is why I have a problem with Pastors now. Maybe there are repressed hostile feelings I am not aware of. ***Off track.... ***
So 3 months into my seminary debacle, I couldn't ignore that I was waking up hung over alot. And I was in a screwy relationship with a fellow student and he was in a screwy relationship with 2 other chics and I noticed that reality didn't look so good from the carpet nor from the toilet bowl. So one early morning, around 2 am I got the drunken idea that I needed Zac. Zac is the guy who really was sober and He had it together and he was my friend even though I didn't want him to be. I knew he knew my secret and he knew I was a liar.

Calling Zac was scary.
I needed help. He came over and watched me dump my bottles. He took me to breakfast ( coffee and toast) and sat with me and listened as I cried and recounted that my skin hurt, my hair hurt, my heart hurt and I felt like I was killing myself one skin cell at a time and that my bones felt like jelly. He listened as I told him I found my car keys on the floor next to me and I was terrified of hurting someone or killing them during one of my drunken fugues.
He looked at me and just smiled and then he asked if I would pray with him. He prayed with me the Serenity Prayer.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and the courage to change the things I can. Amen.

Retard that I am... I was like "Wow! That prayer is powerful. Where did you get that? In the bible? " He told me for the 100th time. "You need AA." "You need the steps and you need people around you who understand that you have a serious problem. I know a safe group you can go to and they will show the ropes in a way that I can't."
He couldn't be my sponsor because 1) He's a guy and closely related to any chemical addiction is uh... other stuff like co dependant behavior stuff. 2) He is a guy. 3) I am a girl. 4) I got issues.

So I went to my first meeting and declared myself an alcoholic and kept going for 3 years. During that time, I got asked to leave seminary and I did and I also got some healing and some keen insight about my bad self. I went to a counselor and I worked the steps as much as I could stand and then some more when I couldn't. It was very tiring. I was exhausted. All the time I had spent thinking I could avoid the pain by getting bombed was really a pain-tsunami following me from one end of the earth to the other. I had to deal with it. I had to really look and examine myself and I had to let go. But what I remember the most was that prayer. That prayer was my lifeline to Jesus. That prayer kept me faithful to notice that I am incomplete and that I have powerful choices to make throughout my life. That prayer kept hope alive for me that with God, serenity is possible.

You see most people don't pay attention to serenity. You could call it Sabbath or meditation or inner peace. You could call it compassion for self/others or holy calmness. I think that serenity is the abandonment of our agenda for God's. We don't talk about serenity enough, I had forgotten about how precious to me serenity is. When my Doctor repeated with me that prayer, I realized that serenity can be restored to me. That on my journey to choosing life that I am with God and for God. And he is for me. And Serenity is not limited to former alcoholics, just for AA members or to Seinfeld fans "Serenity NOW!" My Doctor is not a AA person nor a former alcoholic nor a Seinfeld fan, but she is a follower of Christ. She understand that the Serenity prayer is greater than just a 12 step, that it's a prayer that calls for us to stand in God's agenda and not our own. It is a prayer that calls us to embrace humility and allow God to sustain us - he is the one that gives us strength to accept what we can't change and he encourages us to make the changes we can. Wow. So here I am and I am learning once again to accept and to change, most of all I am learning to trust God like I did when I chose sobriety and when I chose Gastric by-pass surgery and now with his church... See, Steve you are so not crazy and you know me better than you think.

*snif*

You are

What Rejected Crayon Are You?

Rage Against the Machine

From Scott over at Club365.net
the machine
i love the tony campolo story about conformity. he starts by pointing out how important we like our children to feel. imagine them at their first day of kindergarten. the principle comes to the microphone and reassures the parents, "here at hippity hop elementary school we take seriously the trust of your children. we like to think of each child like a little flower that needs to be watered and nurtured until it can blossom. so the kid grows up thinking he's a little flower. and everyone treats him special.but the day comes when he has to get his first job. i'm pretty sure the foreman doesn't get up and say, "here at Landmark Lumber Mill we like to think of each employee as a little flower..." no way! the name of the game is conformity. about fitting in. about not making waves.i was on the phone with my good bud jordon couple days ago and we were discussing several aspects of faith and faith communities. we agreed that institutions, by their very nature, are seriously flawed. they are designed for one thing - the institution. whether they be denominations, churches or businesses, the institution is forced to protect itself and promote it's vision at all cost. we train people to defray their dreams to promote institutional growth. they have bills to pay, statements of faith or conduct to adhere to, statutes to promote. sometimes individuals have to be sacrificed for the greater good. and sometimes the institution is hypocritical.perhaps that is why so many are turning to house churches and smaller communities of faith. perhaps that is part of the reason that institutions, particularily religious institutions have undergone such scrutiny. i have been a part of an institution, a denomination, most of my life and have seen firsthand the difficulty they face when dealing with individuals. for the most part the denom that i was hooked up tried to do the best they could for employees and adherents. but like all institutions they are forced to solidify their own agendas. to not do so would require catastophic change and a huge loss of income.jesus never came to establish an institution. the problem has been that it is nearly impossible to deal with the day to day dynamics of administration and growth without one. and unfortunately, somewhere along the way, most institutions lost sight of their primary purposes. they were forced to wage battles and finances in areas that go counter to their stated goals.the point of frustration for many of us is the incessant need that institutions have to 'cover their ass'. though people of all pursuations are coming to the stark realization that humility and vulnerability are desirable traits, so many institutions i know of are determined to win at all cost. they simply cannot come out looking bad. for some reason they believe that vulnerability and honesty equals defeat. if they admit they are fallible they believe they will lose their adherents. they will make outrageous demands, even immoral ones, of their leaders and force them to prostitute themselves in order to serve the bottom line. it is not wonder that so many pastors and leaders in organizations eventually bail. they just cannot live with the bottom line any longer. they see their simple dreams squashed by the institutional machine. they watch their friends sacrificed on the alter of conformity. they become afraid to state their opinions, to disagree. they're tired of selling out.

I wish Scott would write more about this : What happens when you challenge the institution? You can get killed. Slaughtered. Destroyed. Assaulted. Demoralized. How do the people you love live by the tenants of the institution? Do they drink the Kool Aid and become borgs of the institution and will defend it at all costs?

In the same way you ( I) fight for your (my) life to break free from the institution at all costs? When do you become dangerous and divisive to the people trapped in the institution? How do we handle it each other? Beating each other up, biting, clawing, and stabbing Over and Over again. You for your cause, me for mine. There is nothing left but a bloody pile of flesh and no soul. Where is Jesus in this? Jesus is hanging on the cross for this? Watching his kingdom eat itself unto death? Maybe the answer is to stop fighting it. Let yourself get killed. Regardless. Don't fight them or it. Just let yourself die. Trust in Jesus that you will experience resurrection and curl up into a ball until you are good and dead. A dried husk is better than a bloody flesh pile. Back to dust we go, there... all better.

How I live my life?

How You Life Your Life

You are honest and direct. You tell it like it is. You tend to avoid confrontation and stay away from sticky situations. Your friends tend to be a as quirky as you are - which is saying a lot! You have one big dream in your life, and you never lose sight of it.

How Do You Live Your Life?

Maybe this is why I get myself into so much trouble. I like the picture a lot.

I Am Wrong

I just want to say I'm sorry. Sorry for this blog. Sorry for the attitude I have had that if you don't get "it" that you probably drank the Kool Aid and I have nothing to say to you.

CHCHCHCCHanges

Yeah. Not much to blog about other than the same ol same ol'. We have stepped down from running the Wednesday night group. I am sad about that because in some ways I felt like that group was growing more. Our Monday night group has been discouraging for different reasons. Mostly just problems with our vision and my mouth. I have conflict with one person in particular and well... I don't handle myself very well around them. I let myself get angry and say stuff that will really stick em. Ick. And I want to plant a church? Scary...
More personal conflict with people and more thoughts about leaving the church.

On a wierd note, we spoke with Pastor about the possibility of us leaving. We talked about our desire to plant a house church. To break free from the system. let go of doing the building thing, and involve women in leadership/pastorship, etc. He said for us to talk with Beerhorsts about it. He said we sounded a lot like Rick. I smiled when I heard that cuz we have been sort of talking already, at least through this blog. (Hey! out there in Brooklyn to Rick and Brenda and family!)
He mentioned that we should attend the Emergent West Michigan meetings. I was like... well I dunno...

Here are some thoughts about why I dunno if I want to go to those meetings. I look on the websight and I see alot of men pastors. They meet at 10:30am downtown. I think about the fact that I have a job and that these are pastors and that most pastors do alot of talking. I think about meeting downtown in a parking hell and it's winter. There are a lot of men pastors. I appreciate that these guys and that they are asking questions and reading the books and being all emergent an everything. I appreciate that they are trying to think outside the box and be outside the box.

(sort of tongue in cheek)
Why I am not really emergent... I am not a single white male hipster-pastor/musician. I have no tattoos or body ornamentation that goes beyond me wearing earrings. I don't dress cool. I don't own an ipod. I have no interest in "sainting up" Bono or his sermons from U2. I have no interest in using the movie, The Matrix, as a preaching tool. I don't own Velvet Elvis and could care less about attending Mars Hill. I don't think Rob Bell is all that, either. I have not read all of Brian McClaren's stuff to form my thinking, only one book in fact, and I wasn't blown away by it nor did I really agree with him either. SOooooo. I also struggle with the lingo, etc.

Now what I have posted in the past about emergent. That I can tango with, just not this other stuff. I am not into marketing or packaging or whatever. I will not go and buy stuff at Purple East to prove to youth that I have all the answers. I will not take up snow boarding or video games in order to be relevant. I will take up reading more of the bible and talking about what I read. I am not reacting to the evangelical church or whatever church, I am reacting to the "doing" of church as opposed to the "being" of church. I like my pastor, but he is not GOD to me. I like my church family, but I don't worship them. Nor do I think they are the most important thing to me or my spiritual growth. I want to be authentic and real and honest and more like Jesus and less like Church, Inc. I also don't like the taste of Guinness, but I do like the taste of Ice Tea. I enjoy a game of Settlers of Catan, but I can deal if I don't play it for a week or two. I have no need for an Ipod, but I am very glad for TIVO.




Uhm... that's about it. I feel like if I talk much more that it'll be negative crap and I am not in the mood to rant.

Waking Up ,,, Part 2

So I am reading the blogs that I usually do. My idea of fun reading; if you are into the Emergent/ing church movement or whatever. Having discovered that I am emerging or waking or whatever you want to call it, I have found much encouragement and permission to converse with these people. One such guy is Alan Creech. Here is something that I found on his blog just yesterday. Spooky how God is using Blogging in my life to minister. PS. Alan can be found at AlanCreech.com.

It is now the hour for you to wake from sleep, for our salvation is closer than when we first accepted the faith. The night is far spent; the day draws near.
Romans 13:11b-12a > from Morning Prayer, 2nd Sunday in Advent

I don't really take that in some apocalyptic sense, but rather in the sense of right now - What are you going to do with yourself? If you're going to get serious about this thing, what does that mean for you? Is it a nonchalant matter? What is important, how is that to be done, and what do you have time for?We'd better be answering those questions for ourselves. And we'd better be acting on the answers we come up with. "For ourselves" will cause problems with some - of course, I mean, finding the answers. You know, too, that the answers I find may not be the same as the ones you find. I'm not obligated to live according to the answers you find, nor you to the ones I find. I'm just saying it's time to wake from sleep and stop fumbling around waiting for things to happen. It's time to cast off fear and move into the badlands if you see them before you.I know McLaren said "life is long" and I believe that, and I am not "old" by any stretch of thought, but my life is not as long as some others at this point. That being said, I don't have time to play games. I'm not talking about being anxious and hand-wringingly worried about getting this or that done in a certain time. That kind of harried life is not what I'm pointing to for myself or anyone else. But we can lean too heavily, I think, on the notion that we are part of the Communion of Saints through the ages so it doesn't matter so much what we do because it's not all up to us. I've advocated this position and I still do, within wise reason. If we, though, go too far with it, we sit still and put up with too much nonsense.This may sound odd and like it really doesn't fit here but - it makes me very unhappy to sit and settle. It causes my dopamine levels to fall off the charts. The farther I go along in this life, this thing, being a member of His Body here and now, the less and less I am tolerant of messing around and playing games that only hinder the spread of the Life I've said yes to. I'd say right now that "I'm not doing it any more!" but I know better. I'll not lay down any such hard line statements. I will say this, I feel as if I've stepped over a stream into a new valley in this journey, or perhaps it's a new mountain pass I'm starring in the face (more like that) and so I'm getting the idea about what can make it through this thing with me. I can't carry with me through there what I presently have on my back and in my hands. Something has to be layed down.

Prepare me, and us, Lord, in this season of Advent, for His coming in us, in the Church and in the world, in the ways that He is coming. Give us wisdom and strength. Replace fear with love and trust. Amen.

So, Thank you Alan Creech for so succinctly putting into words those thoughts that have been
forming this past weekend and for the last several weeks.

Waking Up ...

Short notes:
I've been taking a mini- hiatus from the posting on the blog thing. So I am back now from my brief vacay. I have been pondering my feelings about church and my/our purpose in the church and whatnot. So... I have recently written two drafts of a letter I want to share with Pastor. I have given a small few of ya'll copies to read for editing and for clarity and for attitude. The letter is a way for us ( Seth and I and a few others?) to clarify what it is that is bothering us about our current expression of church. Those of you reading the past few posts have noticed the theme here. And it is amazing how receptive some of you are! I always expect to be rejected about the ideas and opinions I have. It just feels naughty to be questioning authority and leadership and structural church junk. Having been told how rebellious I am all my life, it's funny to see that God can use my natural rebellious ability- how we have yet to find out.

On waking up...
This past Sunday I went up for prayer after the service. I went to a couple who were former Pastors in South Africa. I spilled my guts like I'd been freshly caught by a Gorton's Fisherman!
There were several things that these pastors said to me that felt like the Holy Spirit. One was that I had been awakened to something bigger than our church. Another was that our church was stuck in "idolatry" ( my words- but they agreed with me) We have lost our first love and if we didn't turn back we would have our lampstand removed ( Revelation 2). They said that part of the problem of being awakened was the people who were still asleep. How does one function in that? They encouraged me to pursue speaking with Pastor and to be very careful about influencing others to leave the church. I shared this with Seth and we felt encouraged. But, as we talked we realized that it seems impossible to stay in our church the way it is now and that even if things changed- we still wouldn't be in a place where we could make it work. The main reason being that we both feel strongly about taking church out of the building. The concept of House churches appeals to us in powerful ways. What to do? I don't know- Just praying for more of God's revelation.