Yep, It has taken me a while to unpack all the stuff I learned. I have been busy taking care of my "house", my spiritual house. One thing I did that is most important to me is re-commit my life to Jesus Christ. And then there was the reconcilation with my mother inlaw. And then there was forgiving my dad for dying from cancer and then there was stepping into freedom in worship at church. I had some tough conversations with my hubby and I am seriously exploring the tool of lapband or bariatric surgery to help me embrace better health.
I have continued to struggle and consider that life is not perfect and that I have no magic wand to change people. I can change myself though. God is teaching me that he has given us ( Me) a provision for choices and that is powerful. Where I struggle is watching the ppl around me all bound up by this idea that they are "looking fine" and that somehow we ( I) don't notice that they are hurting or angry or struggling. There is a kind of Cordial Hypocracy rule that says : It's ok if you choose to be vulnerable and look foolish, but I am not going to give you the opportunity to share my hurt, my pain, my anguish because I am too proud to risk looking foolish or be vulnerable for you. It doesn't occur to them that it would be a loving act for them to humble themselves and "love " through their self disclosure. It doesn't occur to them that I am loving them by willingly being foolish and vulnerable. Sometimes I slip back into the judgemental me and not even notice that I am reacting to the the bound up ness of ppl that I want so much to know freedom. People that I have declared to God that I will choose to love.
The other night we were at a birthday party. There was a man there that I had heard great things about. He is very very intelligent, has led an interesting life and dwells in philosophies and other cerebral stuff. I noticed when we arrived to the party it was very quiet. Our group of friends seemed stuck at the dining table and unable to engage with each other. I noticed that our brainiac friend was sitting there quiet and tight. For all this man has lived and for all the heady quality and excitement of his pursuits ... he oozed fear and insecurity. I could tell he was scared and uncomfortable being with ppl. Our group of friends had him all bound up in a stupor of silence, until he was engaged in conversation ( in the kitchen, away form the group) that he opened up a teeny bit. It was fascinating to watch. He clung to the kitchen with a couple other guys and talked about heady theological junk. "There is NOTHING wrong with that heady theological junk" except when it is clearly being used to
hide from being vulnerable with other human beings. What I noticed about this behavior was sad. Refusal to step into vulnerability or humility can squash building community or relationships. It can cut out opportunities for you to benefit from others and from them to benefit from you. It is selfish and destructive. I think about what I could have done differently and wonder what is a more healthyway. Could I have chosen a different way to engage him, probably. I realize that I have had a powerful experience from going to Breakthrough and that I have had scales removed from my eyes. The battle has begun to keep those scales
OFF. I feel like this guy that I noticed and judged at the party could have benefited from me and I could have benefited from him, but I didn't really care enough about him to step into the risk of loving him through his prickly, off putting behavior. That is a big T -Truth. So If you are out there, brainy guy..
I am sorry I
judged you. Next time I will act out of
love instead of
act- out of Judgement. The point of this essay is that I will love you throught the fear and insecurity I see in you, through my own fear of rejection and pride. Man, I am so acutely aware of how I need to cast my cares on Jesus. Cast! Cast Away! Yip.
