On Church Idiots

Yep I copied this title from Headless. I guess it struck a nerve. Not that we don't say and do stupid things. I found it rather amuzing when I first learned about why the Vineyard prayer model is the way it is. 5 steps folks, with the last helpful hint being: Eat a breath mint. Heh. I mentioned that we should offer one to the person we are praying for! Anyway, I am a church idiot. [Takes bow] I say and do idiotic things all the time! For instance... I have this fear of meeting new ppl. Actually it's laziness of meeting new ppl. I can't handle the whole "getting to know you" and I tend to switch to social worker mode or dominate the convo mode. Sometimes my tone comes off as snotty or bitchy or just bossy. This really freaks me out. And then ppl look at me like "OmyGod, are you pissed?! Are you offended?" "We were just talking!" or something like that. Anyway. I get nervous when we start mocking folks for trying to be holy or spiritual. Especially when we don't get a good dose of reality/humility/anti-biotics/ or the flu-shot ourselves. So when someone sez, " Holy Spirit come" when we all know the holy spirit is always present.... or when we say "Lord come..." when we already know the Lord is always present, Maybe we can take a deep breath and think about it like this... "Duh!" Before we push the critize button, let's think about the idea of inviting the Holy Spirit, inviting the Lord into what we are doing/praying/etc. Instead of resting on our laurels (per say) and letting them "observe" us like uninvolved/inactive beings we like to imagine them to be. OR I know that ppl assume that because I know they like me or love me that I don't need to hear those little words. I know that the same goes for when ppl have get togethers are hang out at their house that I might want an invite, even though it would be perfectly acceptable to just "show up" sans invitation. Because I can magically intuit or be "secure" in my status as drop in buddy to know better and just "show up". Is that stupid or what? I am neither secure or magic! :) But I am definitely stupid!
[insert explanation here: ] In case one wonders where I am going with this. I am talking about myself being critical, putting God/HS in a box and assumptions of security and magic and needing a dose of reality/humility/anti-biotics... I already got a flu-shot!

So there, ppl. Pete (my counselor) says that I have a need to be perfect. I am learning that the need is the thorn in my side. Pete says to give myself a break. "Break, snap, crack!" Yep, I am broken! And I am loving the new broken prone me! So yeah, i am a church idiot, too!

Map maker, map maker, make me a Map!

OK ppl. I just have to share. I have lost a total of 30.5 pounds now. I have 6.5 pounds to go to achieve the dramatic 200# mark. after that I am going for 10% and then another 10% until I have achieved a total of 40% weight loss from 200 lbs. . I am so surprised and glad. I am mapping out my future here:

1. I will achieve 200 lbs by Nov. 6th. fer sure ppl. I know I may do it before that , but what the hey!

2. I will then set my sights on 180lbs. I hope to achieve this goal by New Years Day. That would be an average of 3 pounds a week for a total of 20 lbs. Is it possible? I don't know. All I can say is I can only map it out and follow my map. During this time I will exercise at least 40 minutes every other day and take the stairs as much as possible. I will monitor my intake by journaling in my food diary.

3. On January 5, 2005 I will set my sights on 162 lbs. I will celebrate whole heartedly on Feb 14th. Regardless of what weight I am at that time. I know I will not be 200lbs. ever again!

My super duper year long goal would be to reach 130-128-124 lbs. by December 2005.

My lifetime super duper goal is to maintain my weight at 130 or less. But seriously folks if I can make it half way I will be overjoyed.

There is my map! There will be little additions to my map as I move along the trail. A travel guide for the hungry, etc. Hurrah!

Mmfffphhhhhhh!

The Hallway was dark. The scent in the air was musty and damp. Off in the distance [ maybe in the basement, maybe in the attic] muffled sounds of struggles could be heard. "OOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo" "Ooooooohhhhhhhh......." Rustling of sheets, and something decidely plastic...... Crinkle.crinkle.crinkle. Creak. Creak. creak. The faint glow in room appeared to read 208 in digital numbers. Eerily green and ghostly they punched through the darkness... Heart beating fast, keeping time with the percussion of the blinking digits. 208...208..208208208...208208208...208208208208208208208208208208... A spooky voice whispers, "(8) Eight MORE pounds[#lbs.]!" Bwuahahahaha! BWUAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!BWUAHAHAHA!

Macaroni and Cheese: A Love Story

So Headless visited our mess yesterday and brought cutie poochie. All was well and then I found myself cold and hungry. Headless had left and Seth was cleaning up outside. [We have been mortaring the outside of house for fake stone installation] Anyway, I made a cup of cappucino (from prescribed diet pack of options) and sat on the floor in the living room. What happened next was that Seth needed to eat dinner. We have decided that I have no self control so I can't be around when Seth is making his dinner. I went upstairs and decided to work out. The quick and dirty ending is that I worked out and Seth was on the computer, i.e. not making his dinner. So when I finished I didn't want to be quarentined to the upstairs, but he had to make dinner.... SO oo... He eats dinner and I watch Tv upstairs. There are these delicious, toxicating smells wafting up from the kitchen. I stand firm. Playing computer games and watching made for tv movie. Finally I go downstairs and Seth sez he has finished dinner. I launch to the kitchen and there is a pan of Velveeta Mac and Cheese Deluxe dinner on the stove. I go into full snarf mode. Stealthily lift the lid, sniff, and suck down a noodle. I replace the lid and go yell at Seth. "You left food in the kitchen!" He looks shocked, " I Did?!" I say, "Mac and Cheese!" pause "On the Stove!" And then he tells me how awful it tasted and how he is going to throw it away. He looks hard at me and says, "Did you eat some?" and I say sheepishly, "No...." and then I go back into the kitchen in terror and lift the lid up again. The spoon barely touches my lips. " Janet! Get away from the mac and cheese!" The spoon drops and the lid slams down. I run upstairs, Mac free. I creep back and look into the kitchen and watch Seth shoveling the creamy concoction in to the garbage. I start to cry and run back upstairs. I slam the door to the computer room. I feel like a monster is clawing in my stomach. My mind is roiling with heat and pulsing. I growl. I fume. I smell cheese sauce. My blood boils like water in a pan. I feel physical pain over the scene replaying in my head of the mac and cheese surrendered to the trashcan. There is a salt taste on my tongue. The world turns orange. "No......................No ....................No........................" I Must breathe! My skin has turned orange and I am sweating cheese sauce. "Nooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" In horror, I look at the face in the mirror and see Mac and Cheese face. The noodles pressed tightly together and the orange sauce floating in my eyes. I am horrified. What has happened to me? I just had a taste. a small taste. one or two noodles. Gasping I look down at my stomach. My exercise top is stretched over two giant sauce coated macaronis. My arms are a string of macaronis and I resemble the Goodyear Blimp man. . . The Cheesy Mac blimp gurl..... I shout out, "Why?!?!" I moan and Seth doesn't hear me. He is downstairs, wiping the evidence off the stove. washing the pan free of residue from the cheese demon concoction. He hums the Mac & cheese jingle softly as he dries the spoon and puts it away in the drawer. Upstairs, I fall into a heap of many cups of Mac. I no longer look human, I look like an enormous serving of Mac & Cheese. My thoughts are only of the blue box and the real milk and cheddar in the cheese sauce. I gurgle, "Cheddar....." Finally, I don't think at all.

It's midnight, Seth climbs the stairs. Tired and ready for a shower, he is upset with Janet for playing on the computer all night and for being such a brat over the dinner he made. He burps, " Man, I should never have eaten 3 ears of corn. That Mac & cheese was awful!" He can't believe that she just wasted the night sitting at the computer! Heh. heh. heh. The house still smells like mac & cheese. He feels bad, because the smell was so strong upstairs. He gets his stuff ready for the shower and prepares to go to bed. " Janet!" he shouts, " Are you coming to bed soon? Or are you gonna sit in there in front of the computer all night?!" Exasperated he shuts off the has light. He thinks, "She doesn't have to ignore me. I never forced her to eat that Mac and Cheese." A smile creeps onto his face as he steps in to the shower. There is a smudge of velveeta cheese sauce on the shower curtain. Harry that cat bastard mews and claws at the computer room door. Chessie the cat is bumping into the stove downstairs and meowing. She tries to lick the cheese sauce stuck to the floor. Floyd the dog wanders upstairs and lays in front of the bathroom door. Orange steam wafts out from under the door. He drools and waits. The heavy scent of cooking pasta and cheddar sauce permeates the quiet house.

THE END.... or is it?

Oh the inadequacy, oh the insanity!

So, yesterday hubby and I had a little chat with Pastor D. We talked about how we feel inadequate as christians. That we kinda thought ppl would find us out and think we were frauds. Seth really struggles with discipline and committment. I struggle with the same thing, although I call it lack of follow through and inconsistency. I have a tendency to start stuff, be really gung ho, and then slack off until there is either a hopeless project that has been ignored or a failed diet plan or etc..etc.. I feel like I let ppl think I am so capable and I am just a lazy slob. So this weekend I went on yet another food binge. I raided Horrock's market deli department. I ate cheese cube samples and tortilla chips and you name it. I would have wolfed down the entire deli had I not been trying to have some minute restraint. Seth wasn't any better. He raided the olive bar and sampled the potato salads ceaselessly. We both are a little out of control. Ridiculous isn't it? A little slip, a small bite, a tiny taste can escalate to hugeness in a matter of seconds. No matter how you calculate or minimize it. By the way, Seth is not on any diet , he is trying to change eating habits. He is realizing that he is getting old and watching me do this medical diet thing has pushed him into considering that he needs to make some changes. ALL this to say is that we are seeing a corrolation between this compulsive, lack of discipline behavior and our spiritual behavior which equals out to our life behaviour. eh mybrain hurts, I will continue this later... yeesh!

Yes... yes... my precious...

Ok it is almost Halloween and I miss the the old spooky preparation of carving pumpkins and finding a costume and seeing the ppl decorate their porches all spooky. and watching spooky movies and feeling chills and being afraid of the bathroom.. but is it WRONG?! I don't know. Call me pagan, but I like the "holiday". I feel a special connection to it because that is the night I had my "birthday". The night I was saved back in 1985 in the Traverse City High School Gym at a Tim Lee Crusade. He was a guy in a wheel chair that reminded me that Jesus was a person who cared about me and loved me and wanted me to have a better life. Since then I have had other salvation experiences and what I mean about that is just wat it is: Coming pack to God and re-dedicating myself to follow his Son/Him/Spirit. Anyway, back to the whole Halloween thing. I like watching old movies that aren't slasher films, but great oldies like "Abbott and Costello meet the Mummy" and Vincent Price in the "House of Wax". These types of movies are the best and they are funny and scary and creepy without over the top violence and gore. There are a few "modern" movies that i like too, but the point is there is something about the chill you get and the creativity of playing "dress up" and the joy of giving out candy and watching children's smiling faces and crazy outfits... I understand the whole origin , etc. but I am not one of those ppl. I am not thinking that I am celebrating satan or anything. Actually I don't think of it as a powerful thing at all, because I know Jesus is the ultimate authority on these things. I trust that jesus knows my heart and knows that I am not mutilating cattle or practicing witchcraft. I guess I miss being able to give out candy and be innocent and have fun. I guess I miss a friendly family Halloween and not Jason or Freddie or whatever serial killer is the most popular this year. *sigh* . .. Trick or treat!

Dad

Hey I wrote a post about dream interpretation, and well that is not exclusive to having dreams yourself. But I have this thing where i am consistently dreaming about my dad. My dad who died last year from cancer. If I were to apply what i know about G.O.D. and dreams... I would say that God is telling me that he and my dad are with me always. Sort of like Luke and Obi Wan and the force. To guide and give me wisdom and to protect. Sometimes in my dream I am so alert about the fact that my dad is physically gone and I am trying to convince him that uhm, dad your gone. But my heart is so full of anguish because there he his before me and we are just hanging out. I miss him so damn much. Sometimes I feel afraid that I will see him and I will totally freak out. I don't know where I stand when it comes to belief in ghosts or sprite is better than 7Up , but I will say that I feel so close to my dad and my Dad... that it seems weird and alien to think that there is nothing after death, but what then is heaven? and what are visitors? and what if I get an open vision of my Dad and my dad. Like an outake from Joan of Arcadia when the janitor comes up to her with a mop and it turns out to be GOD. Jeez... and she says, " PPl are always praying to see you and what if they really knew ..." the janitor snarky and moppy has a stupid smirk on his face.. Oh God, where are you now? !!!!! mopping the YMCA? or setting up someones cable? Will you ever tell us how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

Sweet Dreams are made of this

So recently a friend wrote her dream on her blog and I got a totally clear intrepretation for it. It made me transport into the picture movie in my mind as I read her write out this intimate thing that happened in her head. I think I asked if I could be her Joseph [bible dude who had dreams sent by God and got in trouble with his big mouth over it] anyway, I was glad to hear that I was not totally off in my interpretation. Sometimes these things happen to me and ppl call or email about a dream they've had. I won't say it is intuition, because I happen to think it's G.O.D. and I think there is a fascinating quality to understand what is meant byb what we dream. I believe God gave us the wherewithall to figure this stuff out and some ppl have a knack or gift of sorts. I am no fortune teller, or palm reader, or psychic friend; but weird stuff has happened that I can only call supernatural maybe even holy. I "get" these dreams that other ppl have and I make a kind of sense out of them. Anyway, Jesus talks about it and I am no Jesus, but I do like X files and dream interpretation has an X files kind of quality to it now doesn't it? Whawah wah hhwah hwah zrwwooowowowowoowowowowowo, Mulder Rules! So where do aliens and the supernatural fit in to Christianity? No really I want to know. Did God make dinosaurs? Did God allow for ToFurkey? heh. Just read me some Isaiah or Zeke and I'll tell ya later! Bwuauauahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha- tinkerpufs.