Friday, November 24, 2006

Wierdness! i got tagged!


6 wierd things about me.

1. I adore my husband's eyebrows. I like to pull on them and smooth them down. Sometimes I just stare at all the hair on my hubby's face...

2. I like to eat lemons with my popcorn. I like salt on my lemons, salt is good on popcorn...

3. I make my husband "tuck me in" when I go to sleep. He stays up later than me and I must have a goodnight kiss and pillow time, before he is free to be a night owl.

4. I can squeeze my belly together and make it look like I have a butt on my stomach. Or cleavage, use yer imagination on that one! lmao

5. I sortof learned to ride a bicycle on my honeymoon. I rode into a garage sale, and the garage.

6. I don't like to eat Hot Spicy food... and I'm Spanish Mexican American. .. I couldn't tell you how to cook with chilies much less know what 's what.

Now I got to tag 6 other people and tell them to leave a comment on my blog and stuff and make em tag 6 other people or they will go poof and turn into dust bunnies!

I will try to do that but I don't know if I know 6 different people to tag! Geez

Wow!
Headless
JustPat
Chargoo
Kevmo
Sethward

What A Bunch of Turkeys

Hey - happy Tday. We been celebraten. Missed my Dad so much yesterday. Woke up and just sobbed in my pillow. The rest of the day went better- Thank God for distractions. Today we had second Thanksgiving and I made a turkey dinner and such. We went to see BORAT. Please save your money and just trust me that the movie is a waste of mental space. I am sad that I spent money on such crap. Flushed Away on the other hand was a great family movie and I was glad to have seen it. Uhm, lot's too say but sleep deprived and must make second entry about wierdness

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Fullness

Hey I have orientation at Williams & Sonoma tonight. Heh. I will be on my best behaviour but one never knows!

Things going on in our lives. Lots. Lots.Lots!
We have been busy.

We built a deck. Floyd ( our dog) went to meet his maker. We carpeted living room and stairs. I painted ( with Seth's help) and re-arranged the dining room. Seth worked on stripping paint in archway between living room and dining room. We repoly-ed the wood floors in living room and dining room. We adopted a 6 month old puppy. She has been in the animal hospital for the last 2 days with pnuemonia. Seth has his 35 birthday on Friday and we will have a shin dig on Saturday. I have surrendered the reigns of Thanksgiving dinner to my Mother in Law and have withdrawls. Somewhere in all this chaos my car needed repair, I lost another 3 pounds toward the baby goal, and I have begun the planning stages for dream in gastronomia.
Yeah, I need to breathe! I've missed ya'll stop in and say hello sometime!

Saturday, October 14, 2006

And call it Macaroni

So I have been off trying to figure out my self. So far I have uncovered some interesting things...

Dr. Dave- my therapist is pretty cool and I see him once a week for my hour long Trauma Parfait and Recovery session. I show up and cry a lot and wonder why I'm crying so much. Then I get a flash of lightening insight and try to figure out if there is any hope for breaking my patterns of destruction. It's like trying to make a dish without knowing all the ingredients or using a recipe. I think I am dealing with some simmering mom issues and that pretty much pisses me off. I mean how many times does one need to go over this Sh*t?! It's painful and I wish I could just get over it all ready, but dang it like a million splinters and everytime I try to pluck it out it just goes deeper and festers. On a shiny note:

Last week I had a shiny glimmer of a dream, culinary school or something. Seth went out and bought me an expensive-ass SHUN KNIFE for GOD'S SAKE! I won't say how much it costs but damn I was surprised. I went on a food prep frenzy and then he hedged and hawed about Williams & Sonoma hiring for the holiday season.. We went in the next day and I boldly went where so many have gone before. I applied for a job at the mall.
Okay, I applied for a job at Williams & Sonoma! lmao!
If you don't know about http://www.williams-sonoma.com then you are not a Foodie and I must go fast and pray for your Foodie Soul. I being a dork, but dang!
So yesterday I had the glory of participating in the lovely group interview. I felt like I was in college- insecure and disappointed in life in general. ( sez alot about my thinking huh?) I got to see behind the curtain and witness the sensous cavern of the stockroom. It was like Dante's Inferno back there! Walls stacked high with product and lovely lovely product. I swooned and knocked off a whisk from it's perch on the endcap of a shelving unit. I trembled and felt awe and sadness.
Why would I be disappointed? I think it has to do with the idea that they want warm bodies for the holidays and then they throw you back into the water... Or maybe it's the concept that if I ran a store as wonderful as WS that I would take some interest in the quality control of who I hired. I know I am a snot. I think I just imagined it would be different to be hired at WS than like say... being hired at a grocery store. I wanted pedigree. Dumb me.
The Deconstruction of what happened and my reaction:
I think this job means more to me than normal. I'm trying to make a change and trying to prove to myself that it's worth it somehow. I just threw away 10 years of crap. I am so afraid of getting more crap. I have a deep need to feel superior or think I am superior already and people disappoint me constantly. This depresses me. I feel abandoned by my Mom's inability to not compete with me in everything and just accept me . I feel angry that I am excited about working in a mall. I feel afraid that I will over-do it and start that evil pattern of being perfect and dominating everything everyone pissing people off, etc. I feel broken.
Phew, anyway. I think I'll take a break and work on the ol' elliptical trainer. I think I have some calories to burn, or something, my head is too swollen for comfort right now!

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Meditating on my nature

Can you see me? I am the ladybug on the tennis ball on the stick! You tell me me what you think it means! *Taken at the Fulton Heights Community Garden.

Re-working the pattern

I have spent some time just letting myself dream a teeny weeny little bit. Maybe it was when I was going through all the cooking mags and loose recipes I've collected. Maybe it was reading about Wow's trip to GB Russo's... Or maybe it's all the damn Food Network I watch as I go about my mental breakdown throughout the day!

See I am not just a food junkie. I adore the process of cooking, presenting food, and what got me into weight trouble- eating. I have tons of Cooking Light magazines and a nice little collection of cookbooks, and Everyday Food magazine, and Real Simple, and Gourmet and Fine Dining and well... you get the picture. I am a William & Sonoma wannabe, a Foodie-Pseudo enthusiast, a serveware whore*. (*I like all the little plates, special glasses, spoons, bowls and crap to serve and present food on.) When I wander about Grand Rapids and think about what my life has turned into and consider the "trauma parfait" that I call my soul I consider the few things that I remember make me happy.

I love to feed people. I love cooking. I love dishes. I like hearing people sip and crunch and aah! Beeeelch over good food. I like introducing people to favorite restaurants and watching them light up over a sampling of an entre or try a sumptuous dessert. I like collecting spices and trying to figure out what goes with what. I like surprising people with what I create.

So I've been thinking. What about Culinary School? Maybe I could have a little mini W&S shop or run a bistro? Or start up a catering business or be a personal chef or something? I have a lot of crap to learn that is for sure and for now it's just a spark of a dream. a glitter square. a glimmer on the pond. a single sprinkle on the parfait. Right now there is so much to wait on though and I am scared. We've decided that we aren't moving until after some major stuff happens. Like my grandpa is dying and I kinda am not ready to leave Michigan yet. Maybe it's good for me to just focus on this little thing for now. Stick to sorting through my mags, getting my recipes in order, cutting out pictures of my dream kitchen and making a list of my dream appliances and gadgets. Just try to keep this stuff in my pocket and not on my sleeve... not let it or me float off anywhere... Phew.... crash landing on the flight pattern there!

Monday, September 25, 2006

Doing a little raindance

25 days since I left my job. I am in recovery. I started a painting the other day. Took some pictures, too. Did some cooking. Some shopping. Some housework.

I feel lost.

I reviewed about a hundred recipes going through my cooking magazines. I finished watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer until the finale. I cried like a baby when Spike died. I cried like a baby knowing that Buffy got her life back. What can I say? I've been a little emotional. Okay I've been crazy emotional. Emotional like I am in persistent PMS mode emotional. My therapist says I'm okay though. I don't need meds (yet). Seth says he sees improvement. Seth is insane with putting up with my mood swings!

Went to see an amazing movie last night. Little Miss Sunshine. I gotta say, those reviewers at EW really suck rotten potatoes or something. They are such retards- they were so wrong about this film. This film was beautiful and witty and hilarious and I laughed very hard. So hard my zipper slipped down on my jeans hard. SO hard that I almost farted popcorn with joy! Ok maybe not that hard. . . I did laugh though. I did laugh loud. It was worth it to see. I mean the movie, not me laughing. I also cried. Just so you know. I cried. I sniffled and sucked in my breath. Of course I also almost wacked the dumb cow with the cell phone sitting behind me with my water bottle. Stupid woman. Stupid cow of a woman. I shouldn't insult cows. Yiick.

Yeah, my life has been really full since I don't go to work anymore- err bullshit. It has been full. just not fullfilling. Just not a job. This break so far is really not all that it's cracked up to be, I mean when I run into people they act all jealous and bitchy with me. Say things to me like, I wish I could quit my job! Snark. or they say, I wish my husband would make me quit my job! snarky snark. Then the eye roll and the snarl. I then feel all ashamed and want to crawl into a hole. Then I go see my therapist and he listens to me. I start to tell him how I feel. Yes I am very honest and self aware as I review my suffering. I then talk about how I feel like I have these huge holes ripped out of me and I don't know how to fill them up. How I have spent the last 10 years dealing with people's pain and assorted bullshit and I just want someone to acknowledge that I happen to be in pain too. I have pain too Goddammit! Asshole people! Then we talk about how I am needing to disengage right now because I really I feel like everyone wants a piece of me and it sets off my emotional triggers. Then I go home as sob some more and do some housework.

For shits and giggles I listen to country music. I happen to like country music. It has this amazing quality of soothing me. I like all of it, even the crappy rockypop stuff. Even the crappy lyrics- yes even the twang even the drawl. I was in the shower the other day and I like to change the station from talk radio to country - Seth just luuuuvs it when I do that! And I was singing along and then this song came on about some love lost or some nonsense and I found myself all curled up in the shower sobbing and singing the lyrics. I am not kidding I was crying about the story in the song. There I am acting all high school freshman over the dang song and not two seconds later I was all WHOOWHEEE Shut my mouth! Slap my grandma! All happy singing Honkeytonk Pedonkadonk with Trace Atkins and all Wontcha paint me a Birmigham? and all When you think Tim McGraw I hope you think of me.... I seriously need a hobbie! So folks. Go Country music! Maybe I better get back to blogging...